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Thread: Angel in my heart

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    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Angel in my heart

    Angel in my heart

    There was a time when,
    I couldn’t find my heart.
    Lying in a cold dark alley,
    where no one dare too look.
    I felt the happiness of my life
    slowly slip away from me.

    Now I lie in the field of
    flowers.
    Letting the air brush
    the soft petals against my face.
    I wake to see the eyes of a stranger,
    glaring at me.

    Eyes which didn’t seem to be filled
    with hate, anger, despair, but with love.
    When he touched my face and gently
    kissed my lips…
    My eyes which seemed lifeless,
    Woke to see the beautiful sky.

    I feel a sudden change,
    wings sprout from my back, and
    I turn to see that I am in his arms.
    His wings spread and he takes my hand, and
    Lifts my feet of the ground.
    You’re the air I breathe, and
    you’re the angel in my heart.
    Last edited by ryomakurosaki; Jan 13, 2008 at 06:10 PM. Reason: fixing mistakes
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    katsoyori33 (Jan 14, 2008)

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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    I'm glad to see the added effort with your punctuation. Just make sure that you actually need it; there were a few places where I saw superfluous commas and whatnot. Other than that, a beautiful poem. (Also, in the 2nd line of the third stanza, the word should be "with" and not "it." And you forgot a word here or there, go back and read it again.)

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    Otaku crazy canadin emo kid is off to a good start crazy canadin emo kid's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    well it seems to me you did not whant to live but some one saved you
    from dieing some one that means alot to you

    alot of emotion the langht is good too


    i like it alot good work keep it up i wood like to see more of your work
    the one and only show that rocks my socks
    the one show that i cant live
    with out.

    soul society will live on forever in the minds of its poeple!!!

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    I will be some evil and add some more suggestions, but remember- I only try to help ^^
    It should be "there was a time when" ^^ and, in the forth line, it would sound better if you wrote "where no one dared too look" ^^
    Alltogether, ignoring these gramar thingies, I really love this stranza and the immaginery you use- the cold dark alley, the happiness slowly sliping away from you... just wonderful! Wonderful words!!! Nice work... I could really imagine myself in such an alley and I could see it all and feel it all... all the sadness, the terrifying feeling when you understand it's all going wrong... nice...

    In the second stranza, you really don't need the coma after "brush". And again... I love the last two lines!!! Really made me see it all!!! Wonderful indeed... just great...

    The third stranza.. just the last line... Wouldn't it be better if it would be "woke to see the beautiful sky"? I think it sounds better ^^

    Oh and the ending... I love the ending... Just wonderful... Made me go all "@.@ awww"...
    This is really like a poem about what I feel... It's great to see that you've written this poem, since I'm uncapable of writing ANYTHING... >.<

    Anyways... I really hope to see more!!! ^^ I like your lovely poems...

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  6. #5
    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    Quote Originally Posted by divine_punishment View Post
    I'm glad to see the added effort with your punctuation. Just make sure that you actually need it; there were a few places where I saw superfluous commas and whatnot. Other than that, a beautiful poem. (Also, in the 2nd line of the third stanza, the word should be "with" and not "it." And you forgot a word here or there, go back and read it again.)
    Alright thank you soo much ^^ Yea i am trying to improve with the grammer so I got to practice a bit more then^^ thank you again.

    Quote Originally Posted by crazy canadin emo kid View Post
    well it seems to me you did not whant to live but some one saved you
    from dieing some one that means alot to you

    alot of emotion the langht is good too


    i like it alot good work keep it up i wood like to see more of your work
    Thank you^^ I am glad you enjoyed it I tried to put my emotions in it. I hope people can see the feelings i tried to put forth ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasura View Post
    I will be some evil and add some more suggestions, but remember- I only try to help ^^
    It should be "there was a time when" ^^ and, in the forth line, it would sound better if you wrote "where no one dared too look" ^^
    Alltogether, ignoring these gramar thingies, I really love this stranza and the immaginery you use- the cold dark alley, the happiness slowly sliping away from you... just wonderful! Wonderful words!!! Nice work... I could really imagine myself in such an alley and I could see it all and feel it all... all the sadness, the terrifying feeling when you understand it's all going wrong... nice...

    In the second stranza, you really don't need the coma after "brush". And again... I love the last two lines!!! Really made me see it all!!! Wonderful indeed... just great...

    The third stranza.. just the last line... Wouldn't it be better if it would be "woke to see the beautiful sky"? I think it sounds better ^^

    Oh and the ending... I love the ending... Just wonderful... Made me go all "@.@ awww"...
    This is really like a poem about what I feel... It's great to see that you've written this poem, since I'm uncapable of writing ANYTHING... >.<

    Anyways... I really hope to see more!!! ^^ I like your lovely poems...
    No way ^^ I am glad you can be honest about the mistakes i make ^^ thanks for helping me^^. I am gald you enjoyed it as well. I thank many people in love could related to it ^^ Thanks i am glad I haven't lost most of my touch
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    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    You were right ryomakurosaki. I did enjoy that poem. It also like Whispers of the Heart had alot of emotions. Again I felt the deep complex thoughts you were delivering. A few mistake, but who can say that the doesn't overshadow this great poem. Bravo!
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

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    Otaku katsoyori33 is off to a good start katsoyori33's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    Another great poem by ryomakurosaki! keep up the good work,you little cutie you!


    Meow. :3

  9. #8
    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: Angel in my heart

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlight_child View Post
    You were right ryomakurosaki. I did enjoy that poem. It also like Whispers of the Heart had alot of emotions. Again I felt the deep complex thoughts you were delivering. A few mistake, but who can say that the doesn't overshadow this great poem. Bravo!
    Thank you soo much. I am glad you really picked up on the emotions i tried to show people ^^. Yea i guess i have to re-read it about 3 times then lol but thank you for the wonderful comment and i hope next time there will be less mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by katsoyori33 View Post
    Another great poem by ryomakurosaki! keep up the good work,you little cutie you!
    Lol Thanks ^^ I am glad you enjoyed the poem as well ^^ I will try I hope I don't let anyone down with my poetry ^^
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