katsoyori33 (Jan 14, 2008)
Angel in my heart
There was a time when,
I couldn’t find my heart.
Lying in a cold dark alley,
where no one dare too look.
I felt the happiness of my life
slowly slip away from me.
Now I lie in the field of
Letting the air brush
the soft petals against my face.
I wake to see the eyes of a stranger,
glaring at me.
Eyes which didn’t seem to be filled
with hate, anger, despair, but with love.
When he touched my face and gently
kissed my lips…
My eyes which seemed lifeless,
Woke to see the beautiful sky.
I feel a sudden change,
wings sprout from my back, and
I turn to see that I am in his arms.
His wings spread and he takes my hand, and
Lifts my feet of the ground.
You’re the air I breathe, and
you’re the angel in my heart.
Last edited by ryomakurosaki; Jan 13, 2008 at 06:10 PM. Reason: fixing mistakes
katsoyori33 (Jan 14, 2008)
I'm glad to see the added effort with your punctuation. Just make sure that you actually need it; there were a few places where I saw superfluous commas and whatnot. Other than that, a beautiful poem. (Also, in the 2nd line of the third stanza, the word should be "with" and not "it." And you forgot a word here or there, go back and read it again.)
well it seems to me you did not whant to live but some one saved you
from dieing some one that means alot to you
alot of emotion the langht is good too
i like it alot good work keep it up i wood like to see more of your work
the one and only show that rocks my socks
the one show that i cant live
soul society will live on forever in the minds of its poeple!!!
I will be some evil and add some more suggestions, but remember- I only try to help ^^
It should be "there was a time when" ^^ and, in the forth line, it would sound better if you wrote "where no one dared too look" ^^
Alltogether, ignoring these gramar thingies, I really love this stranza and the immaginery you use- the cold dark alley, the happiness slowly sliping away from you... just wonderful! Wonderful words!!! Nice work... I could really imagine myself in such an alley and I could see it all and feel it all... all the sadness, the terrifying feeling when you understand it's all going wrong... nice...
In the second stranza, you really don't need the coma after "brush". And again... I love the last two lines!!! Really made me see it all!!! Wonderful indeed... just great...
The third stranza.. just the last line... Wouldn't it be better if it would be "woke to see the beautiful sky"? I think it sounds better ^^
Oh and the ending... I love the ending... Just wonderful... Made me go all "@.@ awww"...
This is really like a poem about what I feel... It's great to see that you've written this poem, since I'm uncapable of writing ANYTHING... >.<
Anyways... I really hope to see more!!! ^^ I like your lovely poems...
My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
You were right ryomakurosaki. I did enjoy that poem. It also like Whispers of the Heart had alot of emotions. Again I felt the deep complex thoughts you were delivering. A few mistake, but who can say that the doesn't overshadow this great poem. Bravo!
Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
My world is already in a violent storm
Another great poem by ryomakurosaki! keep up the good work,you little cutie you!