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Thread: The Black and White Mind

  1. #1
    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    The Black and White Mind

    If only the light that shines from the
    sky would pave my way to better times.

    I want to think there's another side to it
    all, that it won't hurt when I fall,
    that time might stall.

    To remove the soot within my throat that
    seems to always be afloat in my breath.

    This life almost feels unreal,
    and if I were to pray could I laugh
    freely among the priests waiting for god to
    come out and play?

    If only past days would come back to
    stay, maybe then things would be okay.

    In the corner of my eye lingers your face with
    a wide smile, I long to embrace.

    Fingetips graze your picture,
    thin lines of ocean pour down my face,
    when you get here I know everything
    will be great.

    Tapping my feet,
    staring down the calendar,
    hoping it might all turn around.

    This world doesn't look the same,
    everything seems like pictures out of
    magazines pasted against a cardboard frame.
    Dear Dinah...

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    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: The Black and White Mind

    I like the way you captured the idea of there being two sides to the situation. Looking into the loneliness and sadness of loving someone and seeing them cry while wishing for everything to be turned around so it didn't feel so bad but feel happy.

    Although when reading the poem it didn't flow so well because of the variations of lines in the stanza's. It would be nice to see them all either have the same amount of lines or alternate between having two lines in one and then three lines in another.

    Overall, the idea's behind the poem came through nicely and emotions where brought to my attention rather well. It was only the stanza's size that let you down a little. I hope to see more of your work Ofeliasfire
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    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    Re: The Black and White Mind

    Thanks for the tip...and I am glad you liked my poem.
    The stanzas were actually something I was worried about...but I wasn't sure if it would make a difference...so I didn't really bother. I guess I should have lol.
    Dear Dinah...

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    Re: The Black and White Mind

    Fingetips graze your picture,
    Heads up~!!! It's... Fingertips..

    I like the way you captured the idea of there being two sides to the situation. Looking into the loneliness and sadness of loving someone and seeing them cry while wishing for everything to be turned around so it didn't feel so bad but feel happy.
    they eye of the hawk.. nice.. i agree with that ^^ the combination made the poem more complete it tells that love and life has it's ups and downs...as well as the dream to have something...

    This world doesn't look the same,
    everything seems like pictures out of
    magazines pasted against a cardboard frame
    thats a nice methaphore... i like that...

    Hmm agreed with the stanza thingy...it's not balanced..

    Oh yes.. this is a very nice poem indeed ^^ keep it up...

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    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    Re: The Black and White Mind

    Quote Originally Posted by RayMe View Post


    Heads up~!!! It's... Fingertips..



    they eye of the hawk.. nice.. i agree with that ^^ the combination made the poem more complete it tells that love and life has it's ups and downs...as well as the dream to have something...



    thats a nice methaphore... i like that...

    Hmm agreed with the stanza thingy...it's not balanced..

    Oh yes.. this is a very nice poem indeed ^^ keep it up...

    ....Yeah....I was probably typing too fast for my own good..like always lol.
    Thanks for the complitment though...I am happy that you liked my poem
    Dear Dinah...

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