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Thread: In the Blue (two versions)

  1. #1
    I'm sleepy... Jukebox Hero Champion, Word Up Champion, Word Craze Champion gren may be famous one day gren may be famous one day gren's Avatar
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    In the Blue (two versions)

    In the Blue

    In the blue
    like sweet wet air
    in warmth
    through mirrors
    with tides
    like waves
    in the blue
    the sweet wet air
    my heart
    my breath
    and be
    my sweet blue

    In the Blue (Tanka version)

    Drowning in a blue
    so deep and so full of warmth
    that the flow and crash
    of life becomes a mirror
    to the freedom of the sea.

    After writing the first one, I wasn't really happy with it. So at a friend's suggestion, I tried re-writing it in a different poetic style. I'm still not sure which one I prefer.
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    ~always by your side~ Radarix Champion, Virus 2 Champion, Virus 3 Champion fireandice is off to a good start fireandice's Avatar
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    Re: In the Blue (two versions)

    Well I like the second one better. The first was good, it shows all the emotion that you put into it. The second, however, gives you the images of what your trying to say. With both of them together the complement each other very nicely. But that's just my oppion. Both were good but together the are great.lol Keep up the good work, you give me ideas on how to improve my works.

  3. #3
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    Re: In the Blue (two versions)

    Wow... I liked the first. The structure of it... where you chose to just put one word in many of the lines... and most of them were adjectives (or verbs) describing something to do or see in the next line...

    It seemed so powerful to me, (or at least thats how I read it).
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    Re: In the Blue (two versions)

    i agree with peachy.... i like the first 1 better...the flow is very nice... i like it ^^ it made it sound dreamy...the second one is too simple... it dont give the effect... ^^

    but both poems are very good love it ^^

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    Re: In the Blue (two versions)

    I agree with peachy and ray on that I like the 1st one better it is much more like a song than a poem but it was good and rimed keep it up Gren
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