In the Blue
In the blue
like sweet wet air
drowning
in warmth
moving
through mirrors
flowing
with tides
crashing
like waves
stay
in the blue
the sweet wet air
free
my heart
take
my breath
surround
embrace
consume
and be
my sweet blue
In the Blue (Tanka version)
Drowning in a blue
so deep and so full of warmth
that the flow and crash
of life becomes a mirror
to the freedom of the sea.
After writing the first one, I wasn't really happy with it. So at a friend's suggestion, I tried re-writing it in a different poetic style. I'm still not sure which one I prefer.
Well I like the second one better. The first was good, it shows all the emotion that you put into it. The second, however, gives you the images of what your trying to say. With both of them together the complement each other very nicely. But that's just my oppion. Both were good but together the are great.lol Keep up the good work, you give me ideas on how to improve my works.
Wow... I liked the first. The structure of it... where you chose to just put one word in many of the lines... and most of them were adjectives (or verbs) describing something to do or see in the next line...
It seemed so powerful to me, (or at least thats how I read it).
... Not Ever Again...
i agree with peachy.... i like the first 1 better...the flow is very nice... i like it ^^ it made it sound dreamy...the second one is too simple... it dont give the effect... ^^
but both poems are very goodlove it ^^
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I agree with peachy and ray on that I like the 1st one better it is much more like a song than a poem but it was good and rimed keep it up Gren
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