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Thread: Broken

  1. #1
    Fallen Angel PhoenixSara may be famous one day PhoenixSara's Avatar
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    Broken

    upon a building's roof i stand
    his final letter in my hand
    the wind is cold and cuts like glass
    but i don't care this day's my last.
    is it night or is it day
    in my grief i can not say
    i try to jump but then i fail
    once more i try to step back to the rail
    i asked for love and i got pain
    all my efforts done in vain
    i look up to the sky and see
    a cruel God laughing at me.
    i try so hard to be strong
    but once more i don't belong
    i realize that my tears fall softly to the ground
    i ask why and hear not a sound
    now my heart is really ripped
    i just wait for the wind to gently sing me to sleep.
    "In your arms is where i will be, I love you till my forever ends."
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    Banned full blooded virgen 666 is off to a good start full blooded virgen 666's Avatar
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    Re: Broken

    you know i know how u feel that y i have a hard time trusting some one but nice poem i like it

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    Otaku raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche's Avatar
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    Re: Broken

    This poem is has a very nice content: Loneliness, sadness, betrayal and hopelessness. You also presented descriptive words for effective imagery.


    1. I do suggest proper capitalizations and punctuations for these help in the fluidity of the poem ^^.
    2. Dividing the poem into stanzas can be good too. ^^
    *the 2 pointers are only suggestions ^^*

    Keep up the good work. ^^

    Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Broken

    I like how you obey some of the conventional rules of poetry and unlike the person before me I think that the rhythm and meter adds to the flow of the piece and make it possible without the "proper punctuation" not that I have anything against people who like such things but I'm totally pro enjambment.

    My score:
    8.7
    I really like this.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    PhoenixSara (May 01, 2008)

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    Re: Broken



    This poem is more than likely one of the best poems I have ever heard in my life ^^. I can honestly tell you that I am not a super big fan of poems, but when it comes to yours, I make a BIG exception to the rule. I hope the that you continue to make poems he way that you do, they are inspiring to me.


    Quote Originally Posted by Legend View Post
    A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject matter, but short enough to keep things interesting.

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    PhoenixSara (May 01, 2008)

  8. #6
    Fallen Angel PhoenixSara may be famous one day PhoenixSara's Avatar
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    Re: Broken

    Thank you all for your kind words i have gone ahead to make revisions on this.

    Upon a building's roof i stand,
    his final letter in my hand.
    The wind is cold and cuts like glass,
    but i don't care this day's my last.
    Is it night or is it day?
    In my grief i can not say.
    I try to jump but then i fail,
    once more i try to step back to the rail.
    I asked for love and i got pain,
    all my efforts done in vain.
    When will these twins called love and pain,
    be split and i be whole again.
    I look up to the sky and see
    a cruel God laughing at me.
    I try so hard to be strong,
    but once more i don't belong.
    I realize that my tears fall softly to the ground.
    I ask why and hear not a sound
    Now my heart slowly weeps
    As the wind to gently sing me to sleep
    .
    Last edited by PhoenixSara; May 05, 2008 at 07:41 AM. Reason: due to suggestions
    "In your arms is where i will be, I love you till my forever ends."
    Clan Rainstorm 2nd Company, Kunoichi Leader
    PhoenixSara FB / Click Me IMVU/Atlantis RPG/Rules and FAQ/MY BLOG /

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    Re: Broken

    This is nicely performed and how everything got summed up with your feelings and emotions because not a lot of poems may do that at the same time. On how everything got affected by what the sky felt like and how the earth did for us but the emotions and feelings you had on you was more likely to control by itself, because everything in life does not achieve it by waiting for something to come up on your hand, you must do everything you can in order to get that right feeling and other personality you may wish for.

    I must say, this poem has really strong will. Do please try to make it more of a stanze form, because it looks like it is in paragraph form rather then being plit up, also on how the words are being contradicted. But everything else you have done is really inspiring in what you have written so far and how you revised it into a more suitable position in the theme.

    Magic intervenes when there is love in first sight.
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    Newbie Monkey is off to a good start Monkey's Avatar
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    Re: Broken

    I really like that poem, it touchs me. Love the first two lines
    upon a building's roof i stand
    his final letter in my hand
    I like it

    it had that sad superhero feel to it.

    other then a few grammar and punctuation, it was really good

    If only people choose to adopt me.... a lonely monkey

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