Broken

PhoenixSara · Apr 21, 2008, 04:26 PM

upon a building's roof i stand
his final letter in my hand
the wind is cold and cuts like glass
but i don't care this day's my last.
is it night or is it day
in my grief i can not say
i try to jump but then i fail
once more i try to step back to the rail
i asked for love and i got pain
all my efforts done in vain
i look up to the sky and see
a cruel God laughing at me.
i try so hard to be strong
but once more i don't belong
i realize that my tears fall softly to the ground
i ask why and hear not a sound
now my heart is really ripped
i just wait for the wind to gently sing me to sleep.

!full blooded virgen 666 · Apr 21, 2008, 05:40 PM

you know i know how u feel that y i have a hard time trusting some one but nice poem i like it

raja_psyche · Apr 21, 2008, 06:44 PM

This poem is has a very nice content: Loneliness, sadness, betrayal and hopelessness. You also presented descriptive words for effective imagery.

1. I do suggest proper capitalizations and punctuations for these help in the fluidity of the poem ^^.
2. Dividing the poem into stanzas can be good too. ^^
*the 2 pointers are only suggestions ^^*

Keep up the good work. ^^

Corvus · May 01, 2008, 11:47 AM

I like how you obey some of the conventional rules of poetry and unlike the person before me I think that the rhythm and meter adds to the flow of the piece and make it possible without the "proper punctuation" not that I have anything against people who like such things but I'm totally pro enjambment.

My score:
8.7
I really like this.

Sol-x · May 01, 2008, 12:40 PM

This poem is more than likely one of the best poems I have ever heard in my life ^^. I can honestly tell you that I am not a super big fan of poems, but when it comes to yours, I make a BIG exception to the rule. I hope the that you continue to make poems he way that you do, they are inspiring to me.

PhoenixSara · May 02, 2008, 02:30 PM

Thank you all for your kind words i have gone ahead to make revisions on this.

Upon a building's roof i stand,
his final letter in my hand.
The wind is cold and cuts like glass,
but i don't care this day's my last.
Is it night or is it day?
In my grief i can not say.
I try to jump but then i fail,
once more i try to step back to the rail.
I asked for love and i got pain,
all my efforts done in vain.
When will these twins called love and pain,
be split and i be whole again.
I look up to the sky and see
a cruel God laughing at me.
I try so hard to be strong,
but once more i don't belong.
I realize that my tears fall softly to the ground.
I ask why and hear not a sound
Now my heart slowly weeps
As the wind to gently sing me to sleep

.

dark1angel · May 02, 2008, 04:28 PM

This is nicely performed and how everything got summed up with your feelings and emotions because not a lot of poems may do that at the same time. On how everything got affected by what the sky felt like and how the earth did for us but the emotions and feelings you had on you was more likely to control by itself, because everything in life does not achieve it by waiting for something to come up on your hand, you must do everything you can in order to get that right feeling and other personality you may wish for.

I must say, this poem has really strong will. Do please try to make it more of a stanze form, because it looks like it is in paragraph form rather then being plit up, also on how the words are being contradicted. But everything else you have done is really inspiring in what you have written so far and how you revised it into a more suitable position in the theme.

Monkey · May 08, 2008, 02:45 PM

I really like that poem, it touchs me. Love the first two lines

Quote:

upon a building's roof i stand
his final letter in my hand

I like it

it had that sad superhero feel to it.

other then a few grammar and punctuation, it was really good

Corvus · May 09, 2008, 01:15 PM

I think that this is good the way it is as far as shape goes. (especially since a poet should never force stanzas if it breaks the thought.) This is particularly important with a short piece such as this because a separate stanza would imply a shift.

General:
Also, mods were threatening to close this thread (the entire poetry section) if specific and detailed responses were not posted ie. if you have a response make it count give helpful suggestions with specifics like individual places that might need a little tweaking or whatever. Why? So that everyone can grow.

Apr 21, 2008, 04:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
PhoenixSara Upcoming Legend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The deepest Abyss of the Ocean Posts: 578 Thanks: 22 Thanked 21 Times in 21 Posts Credits: 21,252	Broken upon a building's roof i stand his final letter in my hand the wind is cold and cuts like glass but i don't care this day's my last. is it night or is it day in my grief i can not say i try to jump but then i fail once more i try to step back to the rail i asked for love and i got pain all my efforts done in vain i look up to the sky and see a cruel God laughing at me. i try so hard to be strong but once more i don't belong i realize that my tears fall softly to the ground i ask why and hear not a sound now my heart is really ripped i just wait for the wind to gently sing me to sleep. __________________ Angels dare to go where devils don't dare to tread. Clan Rainstorm 2nd Company, Kunoichi Leader http://animalwonders.b1.jcink.com/index.php?act=idx
Status: Offline

Apr 21, 2008, 05:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
!full blooded virgen 666 Banned Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 33 Thanks: 4 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Credits: 395	Re: Broken you know i know how u feel that y i have a hard time trusting some one but nice poem i like it
Status: Offline

Apr 21, 2008, 06:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
raja_psyche Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: In the Pearl of the Orient Posts: 393 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,477	Re: Broken This poem is has a very nice content: Loneliness, sadness, betrayal and hopelessness. You also presented descriptive words for effective imagery. 1. I do suggest proper capitalizations and punctuations for these help in the fluidity of the poem ^^. 2. Dividing the poem into stanzas can be good too. ^^ the 2 pointers are only suggestions ^^ Keep up the good work. ^^ __________________ Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^
Status: Offline

May 01, 2008, 11:47 AM	#4 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 285 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,837	Re: Broken I like how you obey some of the conventional rules of poetry and unlike the person before me I think that the rhythm and meter adds to the flow of the piece and make it possible without the "proper punctuation" not that I have anything against people who like such things but I'm totally pro enjambment. My score: 8.7 I really like this. __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

May 01, 2008, 12:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sol-x Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: hell's core Posts: 195 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Credits: 8,596	Re: Broken This poem is more than likely one of the best poems I have ever heard in my life ^^. I can honestly tell you that I am not a super big fan of poems, but when it comes to yours, I make a BIG exception to the rule. I hope the that you continue to make poems he way that you do, they are inspiring to me. __________________
Status: Offline

Welcome to AnimeOnline.net, your personal Anime Community!	Anime Online Rulez!

May 02, 2008, 02:30 PM	#6 (permalink)
PhoenixSara Upcoming Legend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The deepest Abyss of the Ocean Posts: 578 Thanks: 22 Thanked 21 Times in 21 Posts Credits: 21,252	Re: Broken Thank you all for your kind words i have gone ahead to make revisions on this. Upon a building's roof i stand, his final letter in my hand. The wind is cold and cuts like glass, but i don't care this day's my last. Is it night or is it day? In my grief i can not say. I try to jump but then i fail, once more i try to step back to the rail. I asked for love and i got pain, all my efforts done in vain. When will these twins called love and pain, be split and i be whole again. I look up to the sky and see a cruel God laughing at me. I try so hard to be strong, but once more i don't belong. I realize that my tears fall softly to the ground. I ask why and hear not a sound Now my heart slowly weeps As the wind to gently sing me to sleep . __________________ Angels dare to go where devils don't dare to tread. Clan Rainstorm 2nd Company, Kunoichi Leader http://animalwonders.b1.jcink.com/index.php?act=idx Last edited by PhoenixSara; May 05, 2008 at 07:41 AM. Reason: due to suggestions
Status: Offline

May 02, 2008, 04:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
dark1angel Hybrid Humanoid Forever Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In a Purified Realm Of Lightness Posts: 560 Thanks: 71 Thanked 21 Times in 21 Posts Credits: 20,865	Re: Broken This is nicely performed and how everything got summed up with your feelings and emotions because not a lot of poems may do that at the same time. On how everything got affected by what the sky felt like and how the earth did for us but the emotions and feelings you had on you was more likely to control by itself, because everything in life does not achieve it by waiting for something to come up on your hand, you must do everything you can in order to get that right feeling and other personality you may wish for. I must say, this poem has really strong will. Do please try to make it more of a stanze form, because it looks like it is in paragraph form rather then being plit up, also on how the words are being contradicted. But everything else you have done is really inspiring in what you have written so far and how you revised it into a more suitable position in the theme. __________________ Traveling so far can mean anything but in the real world your life can expand to your dreams. \|アスタロス\|
Status: Offline

May 09, 2008, 01:15 PM	#9 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 285 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,837	Re: Broken I think that this is good the way it is as far as shape goes. (especially since a poet should never force stanzas if it breaks the thought.) This is particularly important with a short piece such as this because a separate stanza would imply a shift. General: Also, mods were threatening to close this thread (the entire poetry section) if specific and detailed responses were not posted ie. if you have a response make it count give helpful suggestions with specifics like individual places that might need a little tweaking or whatever. Why? So that everyone can grow. __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Broken	flaminghate	Poems	3	Mar 19, 2007 02:02 PM
broken	inuyashagurl	Poems	2	Dec 14, 2006 07:50 PM
broken...	1LAstTyM	The Vault	1	Apr 28, 2005 06:34 PM
Is it broken?	linx88	The Vault	1	Mar 12, 2005 06:35 PM
Broken memories	toast-san	The Vault	0	Nov 12, 2004 03:48 PM