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Thread: brokenhearted.

  1. #1
    Otaku sangogirl may be famous one day sangogirl may be famous one day sangogirl's Avatar
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    This hurt i fell is not sharp as a slap.
    It's more dull like a hole or a gap.
    A constant hurt which i can't describe.
    ANd how i really fell toward him I can't decide.
    I know this sounds so cliche and sappy,
    but I still care about him and want him happy.
    I want him to find what he wanted,true love, next time
    Maybe a girl who doesn't express herself with a simple rhyme.
    As for me I have no idea where I now stand.
    What to do with my even more tattered heart in my hand.
    I'm not completely sure what to do to move on.
    Should I get in a relationship or use boys as pawns.
    What should i do how can I forget?
    How do I get rid of all the hurt and regret?
    Now I know that all the tears i had for you I already cried.
    Because after the first five miutes my emotions all died.
    Maybe for you I can fake a smile or a smirk.
    But you will never know the feeling that lurk.
    So please hurry up, be happy, try to get better.
    Because if you don't I'll stay emotionless forver.
    every rose has a thorn

  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: brokenhearted.

    I feel the emotion put into this poem. The things I see with this poem is and don't take this as I'm trying to bag on you, but the poem could've been broken up into to stanzas. From my stand point putting a poem into stanzas makes it easier for the readers. You also have good usage of punctuation so I can't really say anything on that. Overall that is what I see wrong with this poem is there is no division it just seems like a paragraph of your heart felt thoughts. But emotion wise you point is there and I understand what you are trying to get you readers to feel. You are well on you way Sango also nice use of end rhyme as well.

  3. #3
    Banned mveli2 is off to a good start
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    Re: brokenhearted.

    well its a very sad poem but i like it because of the rhyming and the way its written very good oh and i agree with BlueFox1 with the part where he/she said "I feel the emotion put into this poem" i fell emotion too hope to hear more.

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