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Thread: Brother Moon.

  1. #1
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Brother Moon.

    Brother Moon.

    Sitting alone, shadowed by mars.
    leaning over, watching drops of stars,
    echoing ripples of light in the night.
    The crescent moon’s before my sight.

    Ideas swirl and twist like laced thread,
    embroidered into my thoughtless head,
    cocooning my mind with solitaire dreams,
    threaded with darkened appalling seams.

    Questions come in forms of answers,
    and the crescent talks in form of ancestors.
    An ancient glow spread across the land,
    cradling the earth, below, in his hands.

    The Crescent I hug with streams of tears,
    for a true friend he has always been there.
    To comfort me forever until dawn,
    waiting for our cousin, the sun.
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

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    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    Wow, I loved the way you related the moon with the sun as your cousin in the last line XD The poem was very nicely described, awesome choice of words. Great job
    Last edited by elie26; Apr 17, 2007 at 03:11 AM.

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    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    thanks.. your comment is much appreciated, seeing as I'm not to popular on the forums >.>..
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

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    Commander Ham Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer's Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    Personally I think it is very well written and I enjoyed it very much, I wanted to ask why you chose to break from Rhyme at the end? Not that is it bad, just interesting to know why.

    The thing I love about poems especially ones like this are that they are unique in the fact that you can ignore grammar and still be very effective. Since you are using line breaks on short thoughts and a rhyme pattern flowing on the end of your breaks. You could remove the commas all together and capitalize the beginning of each line without the lose of readability. But that is up to you!

    Also don't worry about not being popular on the boards, just be who you are, keep posting and others will come around


  5. #5
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    Well.. if I hadn't broken the ryme, which if pronounced properly, it still rymes, then it would have seemed to forced and would have thrown off the Rythm of the poem.
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

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    Newbie Serenity Carter may be famous one day Serenity Carter may be famous one day Serenity Carter's Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    Love ur poem. i really enjoyed reading it. and chiefblackhammer is right, it is very well written. lookin foward to any more u write ;-,
    Life's short so have a laugh about it

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Brother Moon.

    A great poem, I too enjoyed reading it, made me forget about everything that's around me... I bet you'll get good places in the POTW!

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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