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Old Aug 01, 2007, 10:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Dark Chains

I remember the time when you used to hold me tightly in the dark

But the light can never bother use no more since you tied me to these steal

Chains and i wished you would never took the risk into trapping your soul into

Mine now my life is full of darkness and i wish you would have care about me

More, the more i think about you is that makes me want to hold you forever

If i cannot stay here in this darkness by myself then we would stay in the

Dark even if i am chained to the dark until i am untied of these lies you gave

Me away to just the shadows of sorrows and i wished you really did love me

Me at first and now i neeed to be alone Chained alone in the darkest place of

All the world until i break free from dark love from you that betrayed me in

The beginning before we looked at each other.
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Old Aug 02, 2007, 06:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Dark Chains

I dunno, honestly the structure was so odd it made it hard to focus on the content. I've seen it done where people begin a sentence with the last word of the previous sentence, and it actually worked... But It didnt work with this one.
After re-reading it, I got more of an idea what the poem was actually about. I like the content.
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Old Aug 03, 2007, 10:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Dark Chains

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peach_follows View Post
I dunno, honestly the structure was so odd it made it hard to focus on the content. I've seen it done where people begin a sentence with the last word of the previous sentence, and it actually worked... But It didnt work with this one.
After re-reading it, I got more of an idea what the poem was actually about. I like the content.
Thank you Peach_follows i will make sure to do that since i did only a few errors from what i have read my poem over and over but i only did that because it was my first one since i have four more to write about thsi time is not the only one but i will make some changes in order to get more emotions in it so it can be consider to be more dramatically effective in my point of view is not for myself but for others that loves theses types of poems.
So i appreciate the suggestion your making when the structure was kind of slacking i think not really sure but i will make it better in the future.
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