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Thread: Dark city streets.

  1. #1
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Dark city streets.

    Lost in the big dark city streets.
    Avoiding everyone I meet.
    Because I'm afraid they might see,
    The evil little beast that resides inside me.

    Long sharpened claws for picking their flesh from bone,
    Just reason one for wanting to be alone.
    Sharp little tongue for cleaning the blood to taste,
    Not to mention the emotional damage it can deal without haste.
    Gnashing teeth for gnawing bone and flesh.
    Eat it up till nothings left.

    Black like my heart and my overfilled head,
    Left in insanity.
    The street lights flicker, trying desprately to light my path.
    Like you, trying to save me.

    But give it up.
    Theres nothing left.
    I've lost my reason.
    I've lost my point.
    I've lost even my sanity.

    I can't go back.
    I can't move forward.
    I'm stuck where my roots have planted.

    Even though theres nothing here,
    But concrete monuments built to the sky,
    Concrete paths and roads.
    Steel and metal and toxic fumes.
    Like my heart.

    So skulk down these dangerous and lonely streets,
    Trying to find a place of my own.
    Somewhere I can call home, and not feel insted,
    That I reside in my own hell.
    =====================================
    As you can tell I haven't been writing. I'm too..... upset. So be gentle.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  2. #2
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Dark city streets.

    I like this one alot.

    The flow was a bit iffy, due to your structure and you kinda lost your rhyme scheme towards the end, but it was still well written!

    Kudos!


  3. #3
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    Re: Dark city streets.

    I must agree with the Sprout about the poem structure at the end.
    but it is still good to read.

    this is my favorite part of the poem, to bad it is only two lines.

    Sharp little tongue for cleaning the blood to taste,
    Not to mention the emotional damage it can deal without haste.

    I like the part about the emotional damage, because it gets me thinking about
    a book from David Gemmell that I read a while back.
    but it is still a great poem and I must congratulate you on it.

  4. #4
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: Dark city streets.

    I appriciate all your comments. The rhyming was forced and I didn't know how to end it so that's why it is the way it is. Thank you both for your opinions.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  5. #5
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Dark city streets.

    Rhyming isn't everyone's forte, but at least you give good effort in your work. ^_^ You'll catch on sooner or later. Until then, keep on writing. Because, I like your work--always have, always will.


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