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Shining Star Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
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![]() ![]() Credits: 59,274 | Dead Men Tell No Tales (See if this makes any sense to anyone! This is for another scholarship, and I wanted to run it by people before turning it in. It's not about the rhyme; it's the syllabic reduction of each line.) The prophet keeps banging on my grave, Telling me to get up and follow. I'm a shadow of my former self, But I look so very good in black. The tattered funeral veil lifts. Exorcised by Charlie's Angels, I fall into a deck of cards. The Queen of Spades buries me Next to the Joker; alas, Poor Yorick. I knew him well. He has something to tell you: "Cloud Nine is slippery; There's no friction up there." Defeat tastes like pie. Eat yourself to death. I'll bury you deep So you can't climb out. Hold nothingness. Please don't scream. After all, dead men tell no tales.
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![]() Lost In My Own World Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Fruityville, Florida
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![]() ![]() Credits: 5,069 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales To tell you the truth it confused me. I don't get how one thing changes to the other. Maybe if it was explained alittle more it would be better. I'm not saying it's not good just giving suggestions since you are wanting to turn it in for a scholarship. |
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Shining Star Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
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![]() ![]() Credits: 59,274 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales It starts out with me, a supposedly dead person (really dead inside, not physically.) Only partially sane, I stumble through life, encountering a poker game, which represents chance. Yorick represents my past life, like he did for Hamlet. Now, it's "your" turn to die inside, to experience what I have. **sweatdrop** I know it makes absolutely no sense. Please forgive me. I was reading Sylvia Plath for inspiration!
__________________ Last edited by divine_punishment; Jan 06, 2007 at 09:34 AM. Reason: Clarification |
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![]() Lost In My Own World Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Fruityville, Florida
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![]() ![]() Credits: 5,069 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales Don't know who that is but I suggest your read angels songs and that would give you some inspiration. I guaruntee it! She is so good at writting songs. |
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Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Just a hopscotch away from Never Never Land...
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![]() ![]() Credits: 1,007 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales I personally liked it....I think its obscurity gives it a mysterious element. I really liked it!
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![]() NalaMidnight Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Virginia
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![]() ![]() Credits: 14,170 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales I like it. It's different and though it's kinda hard to understand you can still get the general idea of what yor saying and like what Wolf_of_the said_ it adds mystery.
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Shining Star Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
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![]() ![]() Credits: 59,274 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales Haha, thank you! It's funny, though; every time I read it, I think, "What was I on?" (I was on nothing; I don't do drugs. But it's a good question!)
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![]() Lost In My Own World Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Fruityville, Florida
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![]() ![]() Credits: 5,069 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales I like it after you explained to me what you meant but before that I was like sitting here scratching my head trying to see what you were meaning. Maybe if you used diferent words it would be alot better but it's ok as it is.
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Shining Star Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
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![]() ![]() Credits: 59,274 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales **shrug** Let's leave it at "You're not supposed to get it; it's insanity . . ."
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![]() Otaku Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: winnipeg
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![]() ![]() Credits: 8,063 | Re: Dead Men Tell No Tales Shouldn't this tell a tale, a story, send out some kind of message, just as all poems in some way do? I can understand the poem to a point, but it doesn't flow with itself and the weird way you made the stanzas bother me, very much, it would maybe sound better if you revised *cough* added three more lines to have six complete stanzas *cough* Or simply rewriting what you've got and adding in whatever comes to you. Of course this is simply my opinion on how I would go about fixing the erm, miscalculations...
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