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Reply With QuoteThe poem would have been better if it was shorter and stuck to one emotion. The flow of the poem lulled me to sleep because of the big words and breaks.
Daunted by time
Bell tolls ring
As lost minuets
Reluctantly pass by
They breathe cold
Frozen, from thoughts
Untouched
Grave digger
O grave digger
Dig me a pit
To lay past
At rest
Write a sermon he said…
Yet, thy hand lay frozen
Tracks upon the floor
Lay desolate in forgotten dust
Voices, echoes
To rhythms
Of fallen rain
Shadows cast away
Through nights chocking
Darkness
Usher not a thought
The stage has dimmed
Curtness closed
Not a clasp of hand,
To sooth
Thy broken heart
By janitors sweeping broom
He speaks words from wisdom
“Lie not in ruin
For thy path be not
Upon stages of
Applause
Rather,
Thy soul be a light
Within the lonesome dark
Seek not for paths of another
For thy lantern illuminates
Only paths which I
Have prepared and laid
Before thy feet
Fresh tracts
You might find
Be proof that I have
Known the journeys
For my self.”
Feeling to thought
Think to act
Actions become
Proof of choice
“Let it be so
Of thy own heart
For I have found
My place upon my
Own feet
Thus, it is so
That you find treasure
Which is sought
Upon thy own feet
Guided by the light
Of my love and everlasting
Wisdom.
The poem would have been better if it was shorter and stuck to one emotion. The flow of the poem lulled me to sleep because of the big words and breaks.
Seduced by Flesh
well, i don;t think it was that bad, it only needs to be written in short stanzas.
I agree on shorting it but sticking to one emotion? The poem isnt what it is if it just had to express one emotion. It needs to express more than one, to realy get the reader to understand what the poem is saying.The poem would have been better if it was shorter and stuck to one emotion.
I understand what Ketaro said, in some poems it is better to stick to one emotion, but it only really works when you're either trying to explain an emotion or a scene, but mostly how you feel. In this case though, I'd have to say that the way Othello wrote this is great. Loved it, please write more!
*claps*
that was impressive keep it up
I live in the shadows and I am as fast as the speed of light, but I use my ability's to help people even though they fear me for who I am.
A Brand new Theme song for all my friends who use to come to Ao and the People that still come's to Ao.
http://video.freevideoblog.com/hotte...7631ca1c2a.htm
The idea of the poem is strong, but I was annoyed by the spelling errors.
I also thought that some stanzas did not connect well with the others, and could stand alone in a poem by themselves.
o~Piggy-san~o
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