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Thread: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

  1. #1
    Otaku Othello may be famous one day Othello may be famous one day Othello's Avatar
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    Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    Daunted by time
    Bell tolls ring
    As lost minuets
    Reluctantly pass by

    They breathe cold
    Frozen, from thoughts
    Untouched

    Grave digger
    O grave digger
    Dig me a pit
    To lay past
    At rest

    Write a sermon he said…
    Yet, thy hand lay frozen

    Tracks upon the floor
    Lay desolate in forgotten dust

    Voices, echoes
    To rhythms
    Of fallen rain

    Shadows cast away
    Through nights chocking
    Darkness

    Usher not a thought
    The stage has dimmed
    Curtness closed
    Not a clasp of hand,
    To sooth
    Thy broken heart

    By janitors sweeping broom
    He speaks words from wisdom

    “Lie not in ruin
    For thy path be not
    Upon stages of
    Applause

    Rather,
    Thy soul be a light
    Within the lonesome dark
    Seek not for paths of another
    For thy lantern illuminates
    Only paths which I
    Have prepared and laid
    Before thy feet

    Fresh tracts
    You might find
    Be proof that I have
    Known the journeys
    For my self.”

    Feeling to thought
    Think to act
    Actions become
    Proof of choice

    “Let it be so
    Of thy own heart
    For I have found
    My place upon my
    Own feet

    Thus, it is so
    That you find treasure
    Which is sought
    Upon thy own feet
    Guided by the light
    Of my love and everlasting
    Wisdom.

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    The poem would have been better if it was shorter and stuck to one emotion. The flow of the poem lulled me to sleep because of the big words and breaks.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    well, i don;t think it was that bad, it only needs to be written in short stanzas.

  4. #4
    Otaku The Fighter may be famous one day The Fighter may be famous one day The Fighter's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    The poem would have been better if it was shorter and stuck to one emotion.
    I agree on shorting it but sticking to one emotion? The poem isnt what it is if it just had to express one emotion. It needs to express more than one, to realy get the reader to understand what the poem is saying.

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    Newbie Red_Wings may be famous one day Red_Wings may be famous one day Red_Wings's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    I understand what Ketaro said, in some poems it is better to stick to one emotion, but it only really works when you're either trying to explain an emotion or a scene, but mostly how you feel. In this case though, I'd have to say that the way Othello wrote this is great. Loved it, please write more!

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    Otaku Arnys Battle 2 Champion sora the king of dreams may be famous one day sora the king of dreams may be famous one day sora the king of dreams's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    *claps*

    that was impressive keep it up

    I live in the shadows and I am as fast as the speed of light, but I use my ability's to help people even though they fear me for who I am.

    A Brand new Theme song for all my friends who use to come to Ao and the People that still come's to Ao.
    http://video.freevideoblog.com/hotte...7631ca1c2a.htm

  7. #7
    Otaku pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru's Avatar
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    Re: Depression : Awaken O reality of time…

    The idea of the poem is strong, but I was annoyed by the spelling errors.

    I also thought that some stanzas did not connect well with the others, and could stand alone in a poem by themselves.

    o~Piggy-san~o

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