+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Do You See The World?

  1. #1
    Banned ABC Crazy Champion flaminghate may be famous one day flaminghate may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Immortal, till I die
    Posts
    464
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts

    Arrow Do You See The World?

    Do you see the world?
    It's just outside my window,
    Crumbling to pieces,
    Falling like snow.

    It's falling from the weight,
    The weight of all the lies,
    It's falling from the weight,
    Of all the things it has to hide.

    Do you see the world?
    Just look out the door,
    It's dying and it's bleeding,
    It lies there on the floor.

    It's bleeding from the cuts,
    That all the games have caused,
    It's dying from the bloodloss,
    And yet now more it draws.

    Do you see the world?
    It's just in front of me,
    Crumbling, bleeding, dying,
    For all of us to see.

    It's bleeding from the cuts,
    And crumbling from the lies,
    If only we could see,
    It was all because of pride.
    Last edited by flaminghate; Mar 11, 2007 at 10:03 AM.

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,736
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Do You See The World?

    Hmmm. This is a wonderful poem. The flow was nice and the imagery was nice. However, a revision would have been nice. There are two parts that seem out of place to me.

    "Falling down like snow." (You can take the down out of that, it'f make it flow easieer.)

    "It lies there on the floor." (Because you're rhyming, you had to force a word here. The world is on the floor? That doesnt even sound appealing in a poem. )
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    THUMBSUCKING ADDICTION Mr. K is making a name for themselves Mr. K is making a name for themselves Mr. K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    (6 Months of Sun)
    Posts
    1,338
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 9 Times in 8 Posts

    Re: Do You See The World?

    The flow is great.

    I love this poem, and it makes gosh darn good sence. lol

    But not a fan of poems that ask question//...

    When it could be told another way~
    ≥°≤ [?] █▓▒░░▒▓█ [?] ≥°≤
    You know how you drown a blonde, Rosalie? Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
    Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 14, p.271
    Lamie Hynamen "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

+ Reply to Thread

Similar Threads

  1. a whole new world
    By princesslady in forum Poems
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: Jan 17, 2007, 06:57 PM
  2. The Best AMV Of The World
    By *EDWARD* in forum AMV's
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: Sep 28, 2006, 06:08 AM
  3. A World Just For Us
    By powerxxx in forum Poems
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Aug 08, 2006, 08:11 PM
  4. End of the world
    By Patrick Chan in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 129
    Last Post: Mar 25, 2006, 05:53 PM
  5. A world without t.v's
    By name one in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: Jul 28, 2005, 10:58 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts