!flaminghate

Do you see the world?
It's just outside my window,
Crumbling to pieces,
Falling like snow.

It's falling from the weight,
The weight of all the lies,
It's falling from the weight,
Of all the things it has to hide.

Do you see the world?
Just look out the door,
It's dying and it's bleeding,
It lies there on the floor.

It's bleeding from the cuts,
That all the games have caused,
It's dying from the bloodloss,
And yet now more it draws.

Do you see the world?
It's just in front of me,
Crumbling, bleeding, dying,
For all of us to see.

It's bleeding from the cuts,
And crumbling from the lies,
If only we could see,
It was all because of pride.

Kasai

Hmmm. This is a wonderful poem. The flow was nice and the imagery was nice. However, a revision would have been nice. There are two parts that seem out of place to me.

"Falling down like snow." (You can take the down out of that, it'f make it flow easieer.)

"It lies there on the floor." (Because you're rhyming, you had to force a word here. The world is on the floor? That doesnt even sound appealing in a poem. )

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Mr. K

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