Thread: Drunk Man

The first half is awesome. But your transition in the third stanza? It seems a bit jagged. Work on it so that it rolls off of the tongue and into the mind with smooth grace.

i love it but it was too sad for me!!!!!!!!! great work !

Drunk man your sober
But you keep yelling
And shouting its over

With your body and mind so loose
With your pain still at large
And your body begging for the juice

Will you silence its begging?
Will you please its begging?
And begin your yelling

Think of little girl
But for the whisky was friend
She was your world

Now you don't even know her
Put down the whisky
And go to her

The 3rd verse is where it gets confusing. I also do not think that you should start a line of a poem with And.

Will you silence its begging?
Will you please its begging?
And begin your yelling

Can you say confusing? Please be more specific.

I like this poem, the transition was a little rough but other than that still a great poem! Keep up the wonderful work Shippo!