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Thread: Drunk Man

  1. #1
    Otaku Basketball Champion Shippo101 has disabled reputation Shippo101's Avatar
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    Drunk Man



    Drunk man your sober
    But you keep yelling
    And shouting its over

    With your body and mind so loose
    With your pain still at large
    And your body begging for the juice

    Will you silence its begging?
    Will you please its begging?
    And begin your yelling

    Think of little girl
    But for the whisky was friend
    She was your world

    Now you don't even know her
    Put down the whisky
    And go to her
    Shippo is determined to become a lvl higher
    I'm a solider of Pen and Paper!
    <3 Atomik_Sprout <3

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Drunk Man

    The first half is awesome. But your transition in the third stanza? It seems a bit jagged. Work on it so that it rolls off of the tongue and into the mind with smooth grace.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Newbie babepooh15 may be famous one day babepooh15 may be famous one day babepooh15's Avatar
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    Re: Drunk Man

    i love it but it was too sad for me!!!!!!!!! great work !
    poohs my boo

  4. #4
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Re: Drunk Man

    Drunk man your sober
    But you keep yelling
    And shouting its over

    With your body and mind so loose
    With your pain still at large
    And your body begging for the juice

    Will you silence its begging?
    Will you please its begging?
    And begin your yelling

    Think of little girl
    But for the whisky was friend
    She was your world

    Now you don't even know her
    Put down the whisky
    And go to her
    The 3rd verse is where it gets confusing. I also do not think that you should start a line of a poem with And.

    Will you silence its begging?
    Will you please its begging?
    And begin your yelling
    Can you say confusing? Please be more specific.
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


    Thanks For The Amazing Tag Pyro!

  5. #5
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Drunk Man

    I like this poem, the transition was a little rough but other than that still a great poem! Keep up the wonderful work Shippo!

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