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Thread: Dysfunctional and Robust

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    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Dysfunctional and Robust

    How am I full of feelings so complex and deep?
    Have you not the answers I so desperately seek?
    Why have I left myself behind?
    When I search for me… who knows what I’ll find.
    I’m giving into temptation; giving into seclusion.
    No way around the dysfunctional illusion
    Lost in a path that cannot be found.
    Forever guarded and never bound.

    How long must eternity last?
    Hiding the future; running from the past.
    Pleasure is pleasing; but pleasure is pain.
    Hate is false with nothing to gain.
    Why have I left myself behind?
    When I search for myself… who knows what I’ll find.
    I am again lost in waves of meaningless emotions.
    I am again a victim of worthless devotion.

    How simple is the sunlight reflected?
    Can anyone tell when a lie is detected?
    I have no hope to look for with ease.
    I find blood, death, and dreadful disease.
    Why have I left myself behind?
    When I search for me… who knows what I’ll find.
    But somewhere in the mists of everything gone wrong;
    you were here beside me all along.
    Last edited by moonlight_child; Jan 15, 2008 at 10:00 AM.
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Dysfunctional and Robust

    very beautiful an emotion that all of my friends (and even I myself, now that I step down from this imaginary throne) have had to deal with... I thoroughly enjoy it and was tempted to put a reply to it instead of a comment but then I realized that you might think of it as a mockery (especially since this feeling you express comes from close to the heart and devours thought.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Dysfunctional and Robust

    *applauds* Great work Moonlight child!!!! Really great work I find!!!

    You've done a great work with wording... you've put in such wonderful words that they themselfes make great art... I wish my vocabulary was that wide... And the rhyming is also great!!! You rhymed it so that I coldn't really feel that it rhymes... it just sounded nice and natural...

    And you've put some very nice ideas in there, for example:
    "How long must eternity last?
    Hiding the future; running from the past.
    Pleasure is pleasing; but pleasure is pain."
    and
    "Can anyone tell when a lie is detected?" (This is my favourite line, it took my attention the most)
    In each of the lines above you say something really... philosophic... these lines really made me think... And it's nice how they kinda jump out of the text because they have different, deeper meanings, that go beyond just you, but still they are very connected to everything else you say (I don't know if that made sence, I'm confusing myself )

    And I just really, really loved the last lines!!!!!!!!! They are great!!! A wonderful way to end the poem and it makes this poem to be so much more than just a poem- it's also a great way to say "thank you" too...

    However... I did feel that the rhythm is a bit odd. It felt very different at the end of the stranzas (appart from the last stranza, where the difference really fitted well) But it only felt very odd in the first stranza, then I learned to ignore it

    Anyways... great work here!!!! ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Re: Dysfunctional and Robust

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasura View Post
    *applauds* Great work Moonlight child!!!! Really great work I find!!!

    You've done a great work with wording... you've put in such wonderful words that they themselfes make great art... I wish my vocabulary was that wide... And the rhyming is also great!!! You rhymed it so that I coldn't really feel that it rhymes... it just sounded nice and natural...

    And you've put some very nice ideas in there, for example:
    "How long must eternity last?
    Hiding the future; running from the past.
    Pleasure is pleasing; but pleasure is pain."
    and
    "Can anyone tell when a lie is detected?" (This is my favourite line, it took my attention the most)
    In each of the lines above you say something really... philosophic... these lines really made me think... And it's nice how they kinda jump out of the text because they have different, deeper meanings, that go beyond just you, but still they are very connected to everything else you say (I don't know if that made sence, I'm confusing myself )

    And I just really, really loved the last lines!!!!!!!!! They are great!!! A wonderful way to end the poem and it makes this poem to be so much more than just a poem- it's also a great way to say "thank you" too...

    However... I did feel that the rhythm is a bit odd. It felt very different at the end of the stranzas (appart from the last stranza, where the difference really fitted well) But it only felt very odd in the first stranza, then I learned to ignore it

    Anyways... great work here!!!! ^^
    I'm really glad that you like it. most of the time when I am writing I don't think of rhymes they just come out on paper. Sometimes I think it's really werid. And I will work on trying not to make my stranzas to odd.
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

  5. #5
    Otaku Dune Bashing In Dubai Champion, Yetisports 10 - Icicle Climb Champion, Yeti Bubbles Champion overload is off to a good start overload's Avatar
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    Re: Dysfunctional and Robust

    what the hell???
    that was very, very good. I must say that this poem has really been cleverly written.

    and to confess that I wish I was that good. man you really have a good
    way of making poems seem more alive. and this one to me started out like a song.
    well done.

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