Thread: Dysfunctional and Robust

very beautiful an emotion that all of my friends (and even I myself, now that I step down from this imaginary throne) have had to deal with... I thoroughly enjoy it and was tempted to put a reply to it instead of a comment but then I realized that you might think of it as a mockery (especially since this feeling you express comes from close to the heart and devours thought.

*applauds* Great work Moonlight child!!!! Really great work I find!!!

You've done a great work with wording... you've put in such wonderful words that they themselfes make great art... I wish my vocabulary was that wide... And the rhyming is also great!!! You rhymed it so that I coldn't really feel that it rhymes... it just sounded nice and natural...

And you've put some very nice ideas in there, for example:
"How long must eternity last?
Hiding the future; running from the past.
Pleasure is pleasing; but pleasure is pain."
and
"Can anyone tell when a lie is detected?" (This is my favourite line, it took my attention the most)
In each of the lines above you say something really... philosophic... these lines really made me think... And it's nice how they kinda jump out of the text because they have different, deeper meanings, that go beyond just you, but still they are very connected to everything else you say (I don't know if that made sence, I'm confusing myself )

And I just really, really loved the last lines!!!!!!!!! They are great!!! A wonderful way to end the poem and it makes this poem to be so much more than just a poem- it's also a great way to say "thank you" too...

However... I did feel that the rhythm is a bit odd. It felt very different at the end of the stranzas (appart from the last stranza, where the difference really fitted well) But it only felt very odd in the first stranza, then I learned to ignore it

Anyways... great work here!!!! ^^

Originally Posted by Lasura

*applauds* Great work Moonlight child!!!! Really great work I find!!!

You've done a great work with wording... you've put in such wonderful words that they themselfes make great art... I wish my vocabulary was that wide... And the rhyming is also great!!! You rhymed it so that I coldn't really feel that it rhymes... it just sounded nice and natural...

And you've put some very nice ideas in there, for example:
"How long must eternity last?
Hiding the future; running from the past.
Pleasure is pleasing; but pleasure is pain."
and
"Can anyone tell when a lie is detected?" (This is my favourite line, it took my attention the most)
In each of the lines above you say something really... philosophic... these lines really made me think... And it's nice how they kinda jump out of the text because they have different, deeper meanings, that go beyond just you, but still they are very connected to everything else you say (I don't know if that made sence, I'm confusing myself )

And I just really, really loved the last lines!!!!!!!!! They are great!!! A wonderful way to end the poem and it makes this poem to be so much more than just a poem- it's also a great way to say "thank you" too...

However... I did feel that the rhythm is a bit odd. It felt very different at the end of the stranzas (appart from the last stranza, where the difference really fitted well) But it only felt very odd in the first stranza, then I learned to ignore it

Anyways... great work here!!!! ^^

I'm really glad that you like it. most of the time when I am writing I don't think of rhymes they just come out on paper. Sometimes I think it's really werid. And I will work on trying not to make my stranzas to odd.

what the hell???
that was very, very good. I must say that this poem has really been cleverly written.

and to confess that I wish I was that good. man you really have a good
way of making poems seem more alive. and this one to me started out like a song.
well done.