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Thread: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

  1. #1
    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    So long and goodbye to this dusty image
    that clouds my brain.

    With eyes tightly shut
    the world is clearer to me today.

    So long and goodbye to old childhood
    things, I have bloomed.

    Take my hand and we'll fly home.

    I'm looking into the sun
    and steadily melting away.

    Where is the wind that stirs the
    hair from my shoulders, moves the dust
    about, and calms my mind?

    So long and goodbye doves that
    used to look so beautiful in these brown
    orbs of mine.
    Dear Dinah...

  2. #2
    「Someone」 Goo Slasher Champion, Fish Kill Champion, Rapid Motion Champion, Cell-Out Champion, Sober Santa 2 Champion, Flower Girl Champion KuwiRules145 is off to a good start KuwiRules145's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    Awww...this is such a beautiful poem! This poem seems like an amazing relaxing poem! It seems so nice! I hope to see more!
    「When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead」

  3. #3
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    I sorta have a thing about structure, and composition. I often dont like when the end of the last sentence starts a new line. But when I re-read your poem... somehow it worked for you... It had a spoken word feel to it which I appreciated very much.
    I also appreciated the subject matter, very original and refreashing. Keep up the good work, I will keep my eye out for future writings.
    ... Not Ever Again...

  4. #4
    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    @_@ The first line sounded like MCR's song .. lol XD So long and goodbye.. so long and goodnight.. not sure what's the title again. I agree with peach, it sounded a bit weird with the line structure, but i gotta hand it to you with the description, i like the way you orbs as a metaphor for eyes XD Along with a nice title, hope to read more.

  5. #5
    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    Thank you all very much! I appreciate it so much ^-^ I have more poems up if you all would like to check them out. I need some feedback on them to see how they are . Hope to see your comments on my other poems.
    Dear Dinah...

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    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    Sure, as long as you keep em coming, I'll check it out ^^ Nice to see we have more good poets coming to this forum

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    Otaku OfeliasFire is off to a good start OfeliasFire's Avatar
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    Aww thankies! I'll make sure to keep posting them, I have a whole tablet full so watch out for them ^-^
    Dear Dinah...

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    Banned The White Wolf is off to a good start
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    Re: Empty Swingsets and Troubled Minds

    This is one of the best poems I've read around here, Ofelia! Great work! I absolutely loved it. It was abstract, and that's one of the best things about poetry, it leaves the imagination up to the person who's reading it. Great work, and I truly enjoyed it.

    Keep up the good work, I hope to see more in the future.

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