well i just read the first 2 chapter, and u must of done a pritty good job to hold my attention (i'm not a litterary type of person). anyway i'm finding ur story really interesting, i can see theres some room for improvement but if u getting me to read it then u must be doin something right.
anyway a few things i pick up (not sure if u seen this already) is that on this part
"Bullets came whizzing by Jeddah’s head" u could replace "by" with "past".
and for this part u could cut some extra words out, to make it sound more dramatic.
"Ay- Ayame… Makoto, finally succumbed to his disease somehow, the demons were able to open a portal to their world, and it seems he couldn’t fight the disease and the demons at the same… he was killed”
"Ay- Ayame… Makoto, finally succumbed to his disease, the demons were able to open a portal to their world. He couldn’t fight the disease and the demons at the same…”
but yeah there only my thoughts, and i can't say i'm an expert or anything like that about this stuff, cause i kinda "fail" my english classes.