The Deepest Gray

Fallen Sun: Saga of a Cursed World
By: Tyler Truman
Chapter One: An Unexpected Beginning

A swirl of dust kicked up, unheard and just barely seen. A Young boy ducked behind a bush quickly as the soil sank beneath his previous location. Slowly the pit grew wider and wider; a geyser of water sprayed form the ground, saturating the air and from within its boundaries rose a girl her short pink hair flowed smoothly within the water; the pendant around her neck glowing a bright bluish shade. Her arms began to rise and a whirlwind slowly surrounded the boy, lifting him off the ground. The young boy cried out in pain, as the wind was so violent it began to form old scars into new wounds. The boy pulled two metallic rods out of his backpack. He concentrated as the two small jewels embedded in his wrists began to glow changing from a deep blackish shade to neon green, the metal rods in his hands melting and morphing into long katana like blades. His scream gained volume as the pain worsened, gaining control, he managed to escape the twister, landing a good 20 feet away from his adversary. The only objects left on the long clearing, were the boy and the pink haired girl.

He ran towards her holding his blades at his sides and jumped into the air, falling, his swords ready to stab the girl. Suddenly his swords thrust into a dome of rock, a look of confusion went across the boy’s face. The dome burst and the boy was shot straight into the air but then, soaring back down, he was staring straight into the soft green eyes of his opponent. His aim was off and he missed his opponent, but landing he swept the girl’s legs with his feet and held his blade to her throat.

“I… I surrender!” the girl yelled out

“And the winner is, Jeddah!” A man shouted from a distance. As the man grew closer the two fighters looked at each other, soaked in blood. Then they looked to the ground and all around them they saw a bloody field of stone and grass, along with a big metal building.

“Hey, good job Leanna” Jeddah said as he wiped blood and sweat out of his eyes and away from his forehead.

“You’re only saying that because you won, If I had won you’d be throwing a fit right now!” Leanna responded with a sly grin on her face. She walked up to him and kissed him on the lips, the taste of blood still present in their mouths. “I love you, never forget that.” He said pulling away slowly and turned to look at the man that stopped their fight. The sun reflected brightly off of the man’s bald head, his long blackish-brown hair blew in the wind behind the man. His thin face giving Jeddah a blank look.

“It’s time for school” the old man broke a brief moment of silence. Jeddah looked up at the building they stood beside, his house, big, metal and plastic, blue, and a lot of windows. Leanna and he entered, being temporarily blinded by the white tiles that lined the walls. The old man followed behind them into the house.

“Bye dad” Jeddah yelled back already having his backpack on from the fight, the old man watched his son leave hand-in-hand with Leanna.

Jeddah and Leanna arrived at school later that morning and took their seats at their desks as usual. The teacher walked in followed by a boy Jeddah had never seen before. He was tall and had hair jet-black, spiked with red tips. His sleek sunglasses, red in color, gleamed off of the sunlight. Jeddah also noted his long black trench coat with red interior. He noticed something odd about the kid also, he wore a spiked collar but it, it had a jewel in it, a jewel similar to those in Jeddah’s Gauntlets and Leanna’s necklace.

“Class this is Genoa, he’s a new student from um…”the teacher turned to Genoa, “Where did you say you were from again?”

There was a moment of silence then Genoa spoke up. “Haha, does it really matter” he said laughing the question off, “Hey” he said to the class, taking his glasses off to reveal his eyes as cold and blue as diamonds. Genoa walked over and sat next to Jeddah. “Hey Jeddah what’s up?” Genoa said to him.

Jeddah jumped a little bit in surprise, “Um… hi, do I know you?”

“Oh, ha ha, no I just saw the seating order up at the teacher’s desk.”

“Oh okay well yea I’m Jeddah, and this is Leanna.”

“HI!” Leanna said waving in a very bubbly manner. Unlike the rest of he narrow minded, clique-dependant peers at their school, Jeddah and Leanna accepted Genoa as their friend despite his “Goth” clique appearance.

A few weeks had passed since Genoa first arrived in town, and Jeddah and Leanna were headed back to Jeddah’s house after a long day of school.

“Dad, me and Leanna are home” Jeddah heard no call in response “Dad?” He still heard no response so they went out back to the battlefield where he and Leanna had fought earlier. They saw it was still stained from their battle, then he saw his worst fear, his father laying blood covered and surrounded by creatures, tall creatures that looked like mantises. They had long claws that looked more like scythes and their skin was a dark red. Jeddah just stood in place shuttering and Leanna put her hand in his trying to comfort him. He pulled away from her opened the door and pulled metal disks out o his backpack. He ran towards them the metal in his hands melting away into saw blades. “You bastards!” He yelled tossing the discs at them, most of them were avoided but one creature paying no mind to the boy got a disc in his eye. The creature let out a screech that could be heard for miles. When Jeddah reached the creatures he realized he was in over his head, literally. The creatures stood about thirteen feet tall and were all facing him ready to strike. Suddenly the soil beneath them began to shake and then harden. Spikes of rock shot up out of the ground impaling the creatures. There were still many there and Leanna ran up beside Jeddah. Lightning struck some of the monsters from Leanna’s powers and Jeddah made two long blades and battle as fiercely as he could but the metal began to crack and break.

A creature slashed at Leanna and caught her necklace and ripped it from her neck. Her powers ceased and Jeddah had run out of metal that he could manipulate… they thought they were doomed. Then, bullet holes formed in the, monstrosities and blood began to spurt out, all the creatures were down and full of bullets. Then in a blink Genoa was standing before them. Jeddah ran over to his dead father’s body and fell to his knees; he was crying his eyes out. Jeddah checked for a pulse, there wasn’t one, he screamed out into the air as tears soaked the ground below him.

“Hey, I uh… saw you were having a little trouble.” Genoa said reloading his pistol.

Leanna looked at Genoa in utter confusion “What the hell were those things, where did you come from, why was Jeddah’s father killed?”

Genoa had a serious look on his face “So he was your father after all… He was a great leader.”

Jeddah snapped his neck around, “Wh-what did you call him, leader? How the hell do you know my father? What the **** just happened here!?”

“Well your father is… rather, was, the leader of a resistance group named Fallen Sun. Actually, let me start from the beginning. You and I, not including Leanna, are from another world, Jeddah. Your mother died giving birth to you Jeddah she was of this world your father, and those jewels your gauntlets hold and, Leanna that necklace that Jeddah gave you when you two were younger, are also from the same world that I come from. Your father, was the leader of a rebellion against the demons inhabiting and well, ruling, our world.

“The demons have taken control of everything. In our world you’re either a servant or a rebel, there is no middle class for people like us. Well my entire purpose of coming to your world was to check on your father, it had been a month or so since he last returned to our world, but now. Well you need to come to our world with me… and Leanna you need to come too, your powers; I’ve never seen anyone control elements in our land before. So… will you two come with me?”

“I… I think I will,” Leanna spoke up “what about you Jeddah?” Leanna was one to answer without thinking twice.

“I don’t know, I mean, I’m so confused, how do I know I can even trust you, I mean how can you ask this of me when my father was just killed. And if my father was such a great leader why was he killed by some creatures we easily just destroyed?” Jeddah said while Leanna was picking up her necklace and tossing it up in the air then putting it back on.

“Your father had a disease, he was dying, that must have slowed him down enough that the demons were able to kill him, it’s the only way I can think of. But Jeddah you have to trust me, with your father gone you are probably the one thing that will pull us through and hold the resistance together… please Jeddah, I’m begging you.”

“I still, I don’t know if I can trust, how do I know you weren’t behind this whole attack, how do I know this world of yours even exists.”

“Jeddah, haven’t you ever wondered why your father gave you these jewels, and entrusted you to give one to Leanna. He must have seen the great potential within Leanna and the bond you shared, he was raising you as a warrior, someone he would be proud to fight along side. Please Jeddah just come with me and I can prove this world exists.”

“I… I guess I’ll go if it will avenge my father.” Jeddah said in response. “I still don’t trust you…” He glared at him both of their eyes filled with resent.

"Okay then…" Genoa’s stern voice echoed as he grabbed their wrists. "Everyone close your eyes." The three of them closed their eyes and when they reopened them...


P.S. - this is only the first chapter i ahve more than this but they are currently being edited and im only as far as chapter 6 or 7

The Deepest Gray

This is a story i started in fifth grade (im now in 10th) its gone through many changes, to be honest from 6th grade to 8th grade i didnt even work on it i ahd lost the word file and gave up on it, then in 9th grade i started over, keeping the basis of the story the same the main characters teh same and writing teh story again, i've loved how this is turning out and, idk i honestly would liek it written into a vidoe game script or perhaps work with someone to have it changed into a manga but anywho, here the first chapter for you people that actually read all of this and now actually wanna read the story lol give me ur honest oppinion, and let me know if you think it could make it as a manga

P.S. - sorry for the double post the actual story was too long, i ahd to post this in a seperate post

elie26

HEY!!! COOL....although i didnt really get the explaining part....maybe if u add some comas...it'll help anyway, it's a very nc story, u caught me...i'm lookin forward to ur work.

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The Deepest Gray

O.O wow, thank you sooooo much! to be completely honest i was ready for a flame when i saw there was a post already lol. What explaining part? the second post or a part in the story?

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"If I told you I didn't do it... would you believe me"-Kyo

elie26

“Well your father is… rather, was, the leader of a resistance group named Fallen Sun. Actually, let me start from the beginning are. We, meaning you and I, not including Leanna, are from another dimension… well not another dimension but world. Your mother died giving birth to you Jeddah she was of this world your father, and those jewels your gauntlets hold and, Leanna that necklace that Jeddah gave you when you two were younger, are also form the same world that I come from. He, your father, was the leader of a rebellion against the demons inhabiting and well, ruling, our world. The demons have taken control of everything. In our world you’re either a servant or a rebel, there is no middle class for people like us. Well my entire point here was to check on your father, it had been a month or so since he last returned to our world, but now. Well you need to come to our world with me… and Leanna you need to come too, your powers of elements; I’ve never seen any one with those powers in our land before. So… will you two come with me?”[/quote]
tat part...it was a bit messy to be honest...but all in all....it's a cool work

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The Deepest Gray

alright i fixed that paragraph up a bit and i'll just edit the new version into the first post and PEOPLE PLEASE READ!!!!! please comment even if you dont like it let me kno what you dont like about it plz

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"If I told you I didn't do it... would you believe me"-Kyo

sachiko ueto

hey, cool work!! um, just one thing though... be mindful of your punctuation marks... your readers might get lost... but other than that, it's a great one! congratulations!

btw, the benitora drawing is cool, too...

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They say you can't use oversized signatures here on AO.

Alucard_Spriggan

Awsome! This is great man keep up the awsome work!

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Hey if u have xbox live add me or msg me on my Xbox 360 tag Sin Spriggan.
Thank you Ryomakurosaki for the wicked sig!!

The Deepest Gray

haha thnx yoooou,. also thnx for the comment o teh benitora drawing, do u watch Kyo? or have ur ead the manga?
-----------------------------Double Post Merge---------------------------------------------
thnx you also n.n should i post the second chapter?

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"If I told you I didn't do it... would you believe me"-Kyo

erosennin

Cool beans, my friend. Couple things that would make your story have a lot greater impact, though. Proper punctuation is key. For instance, you use a lot of elipses (the ...). While it's good for dramatic emphasis at certain points, you shouldn't use it too much.

Next is word choice, and you did a pretty good job! However, stear clear of using the world 'then' when describing consecutive actions. Usually you can just drop it entirely and be fine. You only did it twice, but it's a pretty good rule to remember.

Lastly is a dramatic story arc, which is very much present. Something to think about, though, is whether you want to immediately dump everything on the table by explaining that Jeddah, his father, his jewels, and his late mother were all from a foreign planet, his father led a resistance there, his father was diseased, and now he has to go too. You may want to save these for later stories so you have a few stunning revalations for jeddah.

and by all means, post the second chapter

The Deepest Gray

alright i'll post teh second chapter lol but once you get into the story more (sadly i only have 4 chapters done) why i dumped everything on him right then will become evident

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"If I told you I didn't do it... would you believe me"-Kyo