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Thread: Far Away

  1. #1
    Otaku BrokenLover101 is off to a good start BrokenLover101's Avatar
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    Far Away

    Far Away

    In a far away land
    In a far away place
    One girl weeps
    And another sleeps

    The girl who weeps
    Was happy once
    For there was a guy
    Who was always by her side

    He was there for her
    When no one else was
    Telling her things
    That he knew would bring comfort

    He told her things that would cheer her up
    And within moments
    That frown of hers
    Would turn upside down

    But that's all a distant memory
    A long lost memory
    Because of the other girl
    Who is sleeping

    She sleeps cuddled up to him
    Getting everything from him
    All because of some words
    He said to her long ago

    She sleeps with a smile on her face
    Because she has the satisfaction of knowing
    That he'll always come running
    And do what he tells her

    She told him to give her a massage
    So he did and pleasantly
    She told him no more contact
    He abides so willingly

    No longer will he talk to her
    Because she told him to
    Because of the promise he made
    No longer will he talk to the weeping girl

    How do i know this
    It's very simple
    You see, I'm that girl
    That alone and miserable weeping girl

    ~~Yeah i know it's random and probably isn't good so I'll let decide and please.... tell me what you think~~
    X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X

    X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X

  2. #2
    Otaku Cruisin with crush Champion, Animal Rescue Champion abby724 is off to a good start abby724's Avatar
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    Re: Far Away

    The emphasis of being "far away" from everybody else in the first stanza is nice; it conveyed that girl's isolation in the poem really gracefully. And the whole narrative part of the poem is nice... At the end, it all gave me a vivid picture in my mind of that girl talking to herself... Or more accurately, weeping and thinking to herself, drowning in her wretchedness...

    The line breaks in the stanza are nice, too; it helps with the "storybook" sorta flow of the poem, like the transitions in a movie, the switching of one scene to another.

    Aww, and the ending was really cute. Yes, that's what I typed...
    GALERIE : Limited Internet access for certain reasons...

  3. #3
    Thanks for the memories princesslady may be famous one day princesslady may be famous one day princesslady's Avatar
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    Re: Far Away

    I liked it Jaime. It flowed pretty well and th emessage was clear.
    AAnd youarent sad and weeping. Just....happy and dont know it yet

    Born to rule, raised to lead, taught to establish: The African Queen

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    Banned Monkey Jump Champion, Karts Champion, Stagedive Dewy Champion, Harry Potter: The Marauder`s Map Champion, Weasley Breakfast Champion, Grand Slam Shredder Champion, Moon Skate Champion, Field Goal FootBall Champion, DodgeBall Champion, Gasbag Smackdown Champion, Makai Hockey Champion, Monkey Nut Champion, The Ordinary Boys Champion, Traffic Control Champion, Roving Reporter Champion, Prawn Of The Dead Champion, Sky Fire Champion, Musical Lantern Champion, Master Qwan,s Mahjongg Champion, Master Mahjongg Champion, Mahjongg: Alchemy Champion, Flash Tiles Champion, Mahjongg 3D Champion, Mahjongg 2 Champion, Mahjongg Fast Champion, Stupid Space Shooting Race Game Champion The GunGrave of Trigun may be famous one day The GunGrave of Trigun may be famous one day
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    Re: Far Away

    I liked that very much it was good at first it was like boooooo but then it got really good but it was good keep righting.

  5. #5
    Otaku BrokenLover101 is off to a good start BrokenLover101's Avatar
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    Re: Far Away

    Quote Originally Posted by The GunGrave of Trigun View Post
    I liked that very much it was good at first it was like boooooo but then it got really good but it was good keep righting.
    Thanks you guys. ^_^ I'm glad you liked it.

    -.- so basically what saved this form being horrible was the ending... lol well thanks. ^_^ I'm glad i know what i need to work on.
    X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X

    X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X

  6. #6
    Banned kokoro4 may be famous one day kokoro4's Avatar
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    Re: Far Away

    Jamie I hope you read this because its the last time I will be sending you a message in any way

    I will not forget you

    and I do read the emails you send me so don't worry about that

    Damn it. >< sorry for emailing you... -sighs- And sorry for emailing you now... >< although you probably don't even read them and have moved on... Would forget about me if i'd leave you alone long enough... You don't know how many times i'll be sitting here getting ready to text you, all i have to do is hit send and then i remember.. i can't. -sighs- You really know how to hurt someone Aj, i just never thought I'd get hurt by you... I thought you would always be there for me and stuff... Help me along the way when i get stuck.. things like that... bu i guess i was wrong. I guess i shouldn't have trusted you so much... I guess you learn from your mistakes right? .... I know i shouldn't be emailing you this and it's not like you care anyway, you could probably care less if i fell over dead right now... -shrugs- wouldn't be the first i at least thought about it.. I wonder how long it actually takes for someone to die after they cut their wrists.. I've attempted it a few times.... oh. wait.. My bad, i don't think i told you about that. Oh well, like i said you could care less. Ya know, It still hurts... It'll always hurt, every time i think about it, it'll hurt.. I feel guilty too... here, the one who got hurt, the one who is just a small lil fragment in your life, feels guilty... Man, that's something right there... >< I wonder sometimes if things would have happened differently if i had told her what i wanted to, if i had told her that yeah, i like him, so what? Big deal.. Doesn't mean anything,.. and the way I almost always end in love ya or something like that. It's just what i do ya know... but hey, she don't care and neither do you.. Damn, i wrote to much and probably I lot I shouldn't have... Especially considering you probably didn't even read it. Just threw it away or whatever..

    >< Anyway.. I think i've written a lil to much as it is so... I'm sorry about sending you the email with my new signatures on it, Not that you opened it anyway. ><

    Since it's dangerous to put love like i normally do...

    sorry,
    Jamie

    and hell yea I would care if you fell over dead right now
    the answer to how long it takes to die if you cut your wrists 11minuts twelve seconds give or take but don't do that there is absolutely No reason to kill yourself
    there was no need to tell me you've attempted ether the first pic of yourself that you sent me told me

  7. #7
    Dragonrider Ichigo_06 is off to a good start Ichigo_06's Avatar
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    Re: Far Away

    brokenlover that was a beutifull poem, I liked this one the best out of all of yours, keep up the good work. Remember this friend you know of called Ichigo, he (well I) will be there as a friend to help you through any situation as all friends should. anyways keep up the good work on the poems.
    ナサン フォオツド
    Keep what you hold dear close for one day they may be gone forever!
    Make one person smile for it will continue to spread but if you make a frown that will spread as well.http://www.animeonline.net/gallery/s...0/ppuser/57173

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