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Thread: First Love?

  1. #1
    Hell Enforcer George Wants Beer Champion, Monkey Cliff Diving Champion, Tilt 2 Champion hellknight may be famous one day hellknight may be famous one day hellknight's Avatar
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    Post First Love?

    His palms are sweating
    Because he likes this girl
    Something wrong with his stomach
    Feels like he's gonna hurl

    He finaly walks up to her
    But he's all nervous
    He's words are stammering
    Is he doing this on purpose?

    He smiles at her
    She smiles back at him
    "Hi am Louis"
    "Hi my name is Kim"

    "So do you want to go out on a date"
    "Yeah sure, but when?"
    "How about friday night?"
    "Ok see you then"

    "At 8'o'clock sharp"
    She smiles and walks away
    Not bad for a first love date
    But lets see how it goes on the next day.
    Last edited by hellknight; Nov 02, 2007 at 11:18 AM.

  2. #2
    Otaku Bowling Champion Tifa Lockhart is off to a good start
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    Re: First Love?

    Not a bad poem. But watch out for spelling and grammatical errors.

  3. #3
    Otaku arekandera is off to a good start arekandera's Avatar
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    Re: First Love?

    Quote Originally Posted by hellknight View Post
    He's palms are sweating
    Because he likes this girl
    Something wrong with his stomach
    Feels like he's gonna hurl

    He finaly walks up to her
    But he's all nervous
    He's words are stammering
    Is he doing this on purpose?

    He smiles at her
    She smiles back at him
    "Hi am Louis"
    "Hi my name is Kim"

    "So do you want to go out on a date"
    "Yeah sure, but when?"
    "How about friday night?"
    "Ok see you then"

    "At 8'o'clock sharp"
    She smiles and walks away
    Not bad for a first love date
    But lets see how it goes on the next day.
    sweet poem you got there
    i think it's nicely done and i can't wait to see what will happen
    keep the good work and hope to see more from you

    "If you need something to worship, then worship life - all life, every last crawling bit of it! We're all in this beauty together!" - Frank Herbert

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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: First Love?

    If only it were that easy . . . Maybe you should have included a stanza about how she had seen him around and thought he was attractive or something . . .

    Like it has been previously stated: watch your grammar!

  5. #5
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: First Love?

    Does this poem have a second part? It must have!!! ^^ I wanna know how the date goes!!!

    Indeed this was really nice... Very simple, but... sometimes simple is just what is needed It has something great in it... Maybe just the idea that this guy, being so worried did so good... I dunno

    And it can be that easy divine :P If the girl has something under her skin... She seems a bit fishy... jk ^^ It's just my imagination working again ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  6. #6
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    Re: First Love?

    I like the starting.. but when the dialogue starts...i go.. naah.. a nice poem.. but too much of the dialogue to me...poeticness gone over there..

    but still nice descriptions you gave though ^^

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: First Love?

    Quote Originally Posted by RayMe View Post
    I like the starting.. but when the dialogue starts...i go.. naah.. a nice poem.. but too much of the dialogue to me...poeticness gone over there..

    but still nice descriptions you gave though ^^
    The dialogue is nice too... He has even put rhymes in it... Of ourse it is a bit odd, but I think it's nice... try and think a bit as a romantic :P
    Though- you don't argue over taste

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  8. #8
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    Re: First Love?

    Short sweet and cute. I really liked it. Might I sugest "he's" in the first line being turned into his. Because "He is palms are sweating" doesn't quite sound right. And that's what the contraction he's means. So I kinda think you were aiming at "his palms are sweating" But maybe I'm wrong! Either way I really enjoyed this poem. I've never had an experiance like that. Never really been asked on a date before!

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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