Forever Beautiful

hated
faded

all my life
since my eyes opened

hate
depise

those are the things i saw
and never changed

beating me
hurting me

everyday in my life
without restrain

i can not rise
if i fall each time i stand

my back is against this wall
my head in against the ground
but my eyes are fixed on someone
infront of me looking at me with worryness
my eyes are fixed on her

i don't know why
but i feel she's the only person who cares

i don't know her
but i feel relaxed towards her

a mystery is building
a mystery built on her

no, no, no
how could some one like her be my friend

from that day i saw her
everyday

each time i see her
i feel strange
as if i want to be with her

that smile
that look in the eye

to me it's wondefull

i built up my courege
and went to her

i asked her
" may you be my friend?"

she wondered
and answered me
"i don't even know you
the only thing i know about you
is that you fight alot

but despite of that
i don't know why
but i feel you're a good guy
so i will
ummmm
gladly say yes"


at that moment
i felt as if everything changed
everything turned to the better

for the first time in my sad life
i felt ......
for the first time i felt happy

and the days passed by
and i got closer to your heart eachday

i never knew the reason
and still don't know
why i kept getting close to you

but
eachtime i see a smile
eachtime i see a laugh

i feel like i belong with you
i feel like i want to be with you

i needed to ask you
for something i really want

but on a rainy day
you came over

we sat and talked about things
before you went home
you asked me what i wanted to ask you

the question was

"would you like to be more that friends?"

i looked around
trying to think

but when i looked at your eyes
i answered .......
yes

from that day forward
i kept my eyes toward
nothing but you

you are my smile
you are my laugh
you are my happyness
and you are my love

what ever others think about you
it doesn't matter to

becuase to my eyes
you are ....
Forever Beautiful
in my heart
always and forever.....

The structure of this poem was the first thing I did notice. Next was the length. You have to understand, it is proven that humans will not read anything by choice that's extremely long. I really do like the idea of the poem. Try working on Stanzas, punctuation, and elaborating.

I read only half...and got tired...I've read long poems before...but this is...Longer.

too, long. a good poet should be able to express themself in maybe half that legnth

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fayt lingod

too, long. a good poet should be able to express themself in maybe half that legnth

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I disagree. A good poet should be able to keep the reader enthralled if the poem is going to be that length.

i agree with kasai if the poem is enthralling then the reader can keep reading to the end n not feel like it's 2 long but doesnt want it to end

i personally think it's a great piece of poetry here but my only criticism is tht it sounded like a story either then it's great

Wow,that was a really great poem.Some people may think it's a bit 2 long but I think the length was okay.But anyway,I really enjoyed reading it. :)

It was too long, but still it was a good poem, next time try to write it in stanzas.