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Thread: Forever Beautiful

  1. #1
    Otaku powerxxx may be famous one day powerxxx may be famous one day powerxxx's Avatar
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    Forever Beautiful

    hated
    faded

    all my life
    since my eyes opened

    hate
    depise

    those are the things i saw
    and never changed

    beating me
    hurting me

    everyday in my life
    without restrain

    i can not rise
    if i fall each time i stand

    my back is against this wall
    my head in against the ground
    but my eyes are fixed on someone
    infront of me looking at me with worryness
    my eyes are fixed on her

    i don't know why
    but i feel she's the only person who cares

    i don't know her
    but i feel relaxed towards her

    a mystery is building
    a mystery built on her

    no, no, no
    how could some one like her be my friend

    from that day i saw her
    everyday

    each time i see her
    i feel strange
    as if i want to be with her

    that smile
    that look in the eye

    to me it's wondefull

    i built up my courege
    and went to her

    i asked her
    " may you be my friend?"

    she wondered
    and answered me
    "i don't even know you
    the only thing i know about you
    is that you fight alot

    but despite of that
    i don't know why
    but i feel you're a good guy
    so i will
    ummmm
    gladly say yes"


    at that moment
    i felt as if everything changed
    everything turned to the better

    for the first time in my sad life
    i felt ......
    for the first time i felt happy

    and the days passed by
    and i got closer to your heart eachday

    i never knew the reason
    and still don't know
    why i kept getting close to you

    but
    eachtime i see a smile
    eachtime i see a laugh

    i feel like i belong with you
    i feel like i want to be with you

    i needed to ask you
    for something i really want

    but on a rainy day
    you came over

    we sat and talked about things
    before you went home
    you asked me what i wanted to ask you

    the question was

    "would you like to be more that friends?"

    i looked around
    trying to think

    but when i looked at your eyes
    i answered .......
    yes

    from that day forward
    i kept my eyes toward
    nothing but you

    you are my smile
    you are my laugh
    you are my happyness
    and you are my love

    what ever others think about you
    it doesn't matter to

    becuase to my eyes
    you are ....
    Forever Beautiful
    in my heart
    always and forever.....
    Power -xxx- aka -M.Ali
    I Fly Swiftly through the air
    I Spread My Wings Without A trace

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    The structure of this poem was the first thing I did notice. Next was the length. You have to understand, it is proven that humans will not read anything by choice that's extremely long. I really do like the idea of the poem. Try working on Stanzas, punctuation, and elaborating.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Otaku pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    I read only half...and got tired...I've read long poems before...but this is...Longer.

    o~Piggy-san~o

  4. #4
    Bored college student fayt lingod may be famous one day fayt lingod may be famous one day fayt lingod's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    too, long. a good poet should be able to express themself in maybe half that legnth

    thanks to zyta for the sick sig and avy!

  5. #5
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    Quote Originally Posted by fayt lingod
    too, long. a good poet should be able to express themself in maybe half that legnth
    I disagree. A good poet should be able to keep the reader enthralled if the poem is going to be that length.
    Seduced by Flesh


  6. #6
    AO's Demon Slayer Hexxagon Champion, Match Stick Soccer Champion Blade X may be famous one day Blade X may be famous one day Blade X's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    i agree with kasai if the poem is enthralling then the reader can keep reading to the end n not feel like it's 2 long but doesnt want it to end

    i personally think it's a great piece of poetry here but my only criticism is tht it sounded like a story either then it's great

    Thanks for the siggy Ky-lyrra

  7. #7
    Sorrow's Angel Shinigami's_Angel may be famous one day Shinigami's_Angel may be famous one day Shinigami's_Angel's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    Wow,that was a really great poem.Some people may think it's a bit 2 long but I think the length was okay.But anyway,I really enjoyed reading it.
    Made by- Ryomakurosaki (Thank you sooooo much!!) ^__^

  8. #8
    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Beautiful

    It was too long, but still it was a good poem, next time try to write it in stanzas.

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