Forsaken

raja_psyche · May 01, 2008, 03:32 AM

Forsaken

In a deserted playground,
a little girl embraces herself
as the unpleasantly cold wind
blows and rocks her to sleep.

Unfortunate soul is what she is
deprived of love and care,
needy of affection and appreciation,
poor being neglected by the world.

Circumstances took a toll on her
her body became fragile,
her heart became weak,
her faith slowly disappears.

Hades, God of the underworld
approaches this disfavoured soul,
promises to give peace and freedom,
takes her away to a lifeless lair.

>>>author's notes:
This is a poem that I created out of curiosity. My inspiration for this was the story of the girl who sells matches. Any comments and critiques are welcomed.

PhoenixSara · May 01, 2008, 10:59 AM

Gosh this is cool and you had me crying ! the measure per phrase is good and well constructed i might say

Corvus · May 01, 2008, 11:34 AM

It doesn't match my style and I wanted to tweak a few things to make it fit but it's still great.

My score:
8

(this is a great score considering I never give higher then a nine and I rate my own at about a 7 so yeah great work ^^)

Soldat of life · May 01, 2008, 09:41 PM

Was quite good until the last line actually, as it felt unfinished or hasted to end so. It would have been interseting for it to go on, unless you think of continuing it at another time? A lot of potential was built up and leaves me on a cliff hanger...though this makes me think a little bit about ''Lilium'', a flash animation which you can find on Newgrounds. The video may not resemble it at first, but I feel a similarity.

I'm glad to see your still at it, writing on and on ^^

EDIT: Said link of Lilium: Lilium

raja_psyche · May 02, 2008, 04:41 PM

Thanks for your comments. ^^

@PhoenixSara: *taps shoulder*, I created this poem because I was having a "persona struggle".

@Corvus: Thanks for your honesty too. I am open to suggestions too. ^^.

@Soldat of life: Honestly speaking, I had difficulty in ending the poem... I wanted to have the reader imagine the life of the girl as Hades took her to his lair. I watched "Lilium" too and I was left in awe (I was experiencing goosebumps too).

Corvus · May 09, 2008, 01:25 PM

My suggestions (in black) :
In a deserted playground,
The little girl embraces herself
unpleasantly the numbing wind
blows, rocking her to sleep.

this is like my style
I'm being pretentious when I say this, but I like your ideas with my words =P
*gawsh I sound stuck up...*
I'm just saying that you have a really powerful image here and if you allow yourself to lose the rigidity of set structures you can have a piece which flows in some parts and really hits the reader hard.

My advice:
Do your best and even if you have arse faces like myself who bog down on your work eventually you'll become more amazing then anyone.

Afterthought:
I'm sorry for the low quality comment I left you earlier, you deserved better.
anyways I said that this poem was an 8 but give it work and it could easily be in some literary text books somewhere because like I said earlier, you have a powerful image to work with. Let it sit on your mind for a while then give it a will and let it write itself. You are a brilliant writer (the last stanza alone is well... wow. but yeah let that happen the whole way through)
I think you should consider swapping " a lifeless lair" for his. but it's totally your call.
PM me if you have any questions or if you want to rant at me for being such a prick.
Cuz I am when it comes to trying to help. I think it does people (and their art) injustice to not be blunt. So yeah, sorry if i seem harsh but then agian not really because it means I respect you.

*RayMe* · May 12, 2008, 02:31 AM

Lol ^^ this is quite a nice poem.. love the imagery and the way the poem flows... its slow and soft... just like the innocent heart of the little girl... nicely done ^^ I loved it.. keep it up!

May 01, 2008, 03:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
raja_psyche Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: In the Pearl of the Orient Posts: 393 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,477	Forsaken Forsaken In a deserted playground, a little girl embraces herself as the unpleasantly cold wind blows and rocks her to sleep. Unfortunate soul is what she is deprived of love and care, needy of affection and appreciation, poor being neglected by the world. Circumstances took a toll on her her body became fragile, her heart became weak, her faith slowly disappears. Hades, God of the underworld approaches this disfavoured soul, promises to give peace and freedom, takes her away to a lifeless lair. >>>author's notes: This is a poem that I created out of curiosity. My inspiration for this was the story of the girl who sells matches. Any comments and critiques are welcomed. __________________ Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^
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May 01, 2008, 10:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
PhoenixSara Upcoming Legend Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The deepest Abyss of the Ocean Posts: 558 Thanks: 21 Thanked 20 Times in 20 Posts Credits: 20,421	Re: Forsaken Gosh this is cool and you had me crying ! the measure per phrase is good and well constructed i might say __________________ 1 day, you look a person & see more than you did the day b4 like a switch was flickered somewhere & the friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with. Clan Rainstorm 2nd Company, Kunoichi Leader
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May 01, 2008, 11:34 AM	#3 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 283 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,716	Re: Forsaken It doesn't match my style and I wanted to tweak a few things to make it fit but it's still great. My score: 8 (this is a great score considering I never give higher then a nine and I rate my own at about a 7 so yeah great work ^^) __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

May 01, 2008, 09:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
Soldat of life RPG Lord and Master/Poet Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada) Posts: 850 Thanks: 1 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts Credits: 4,028	Re: Forsaken Was quite good until the last line actually, as it felt unfinished or hasted to end so. It would have been interseting for it to go on, unless you think of continuing it at another time? A lot of potential was built up and leaves me on a cliff hanger...though this makes me think a little bit about ''Lilium'', a flash animation which you can find on Newgrounds. The video may not resemble it at first, but I feel a similarity. I'm glad to see your still at it, writing on and on ^^ EDIT: Said link of Lilium: Lilium __________________ Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^ Poetry Corner Last edited by Soldat of life; May 02, 2008 at 08:11 AM.
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May 02, 2008, 04:41 PM	#5 (permalink)
raja_psyche Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: In the Pearl of the Orient Posts: 393 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,477	Re: Forsaken Thanks for your comments. ^^ @PhoenixSara: taps shoulder, I created this poem because I was having a "persona struggle". @Corvus: Thanks for your honesty too. I am open to suggestions too. ^^. @Soldat of life: Honestly speaking, I had difficulty in ending the poem... I wanted to have the reader imagine the life of the girl as Hades took her to his lair. I watched "Lilium" too and I was left in awe (I was experiencing goosebumps too). __________________ Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^
Status: Offline

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May 09, 2008, 01:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 283 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,716	Re: Forsaken My suggestions (in black) : In a deserted playground, The little girl embraces herself unpleasantly the numbing wind blows, rocking her to sleep. this is like my style I'm being pretentious when I say this, but I like your ideas with my words =P gawsh I sound stuck up... I'm just saying that you have a really powerful image here and if you allow yourself to lose the rigidity of set structures you can have a piece which flows in some parts and really hits the reader hard. My advice: Do your best and even if you have arse faces like myself who bog down on your work eventually you'll become more amazing then anyone. Afterthought: I'm sorry for the low quality comment I left you earlier, you deserved better. anyways I said that this poem was an 8 but give it work and it could easily be in some literary text books somewhere because like I said earlier, you have a powerful image to work with. Let it sit on your mind for a while then give it a will and let it write itself. You are a brilliant writer (the last stanza alone is well... wow. but yeah let that happen the whole way through) I think you should consider swapping " a lifeless lair" for his. but it's totally your call. PM me if you have any questions or if you want to rant at me for being such a prick. Cuz I am when it comes to trying to help. I think it does people (and their art) injustice to not be blunt. So yeah, sorry if i seem harsh but then agian not really because it means I respect you. __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

May 12, 2008, 02:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
RayMe 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better... Posts: 3,588 Thanks: 54 Thanked 26 Times in 23 Posts Credits: 58,536	Re: Forsaken Lol ^^ this is quite a nice poem.. love the imagery and the way the poem flows... its slow and soft... just like the innocent heart of the little girl... nicely done ^^ I loved it.. keep it up! __________________ Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!! The best ever Lasura~! >>>myspace<<<
Status: Offline

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