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Thread: Forsaken

  1. #1
    Otaku raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche's Avatar
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    Forsaken





    Forsaken

    In a deserted playground,
    a little girl embraces herself
    as the unpleasantly cold wind
    blows and rocks her to sleep.

    Unfortunate soul is what she is
    deprived of love and care,
    needy of affection and appreciation,
    poor being neglected by the world.

    Circumstances took a toll on her
    her body became fragile,
    her heart became weak,
    her faith slowly disappears.

    Hades, God of the underworld
    approaches this disfavoured soul,
    promises to give peace and freedom,
    takes her away to a lifeless lair.


    >>>author's notes:
    This is a poem that I created out of curiosity. My inspiration for this was the story of the girl who sells matches. Any comments and critiques are welcomed.

    Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^

  2. #2
    Fallen Angel PhoenixSara may be famous one day PhoenixSara's Avatar
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    Re: Forsaken

    Gosh this is cool and you had me crying ! the measure per phrase is good and well constructed i might say
    "In your arms is where i will be, I love you till my forever ends."
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  4. #3
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Forsaken

    It doesn't match my style and I wanted to tweak a few things to make it fit but it's still great.

    My score:
    8

    (this is a great score considering I never give higher then a nine and I rate my own at about a 7 so yeah great work ^^)

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    Re: Forsaken

    Was quite good until the last line actually, as it felt unfinished or hasted to end so. It would have been interseting for it to go on, unless you think of continuing it at another time? A lot of potential was built up and leaves me on a cliff hanger...though this makes me think a little bit about ''Lilium'', a flash animation which you can find on Newgrounds. The video may not resemble it at first, but I feel a similarity.

    I'm glad to see your still at it, writing on and on ^^


    EDIT: Said link of Lilium: Lilium
    Last edited by Soldat of life; May 02, 2008 at 08:11 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

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    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

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    Otaku raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche's Avatar
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    Re: Forsaken

    Thanks for your comments. ^^

    @PhoenixSara: *taps shoulder*, I created this poem because I was having a "persona struggle".

    @Corvus: Thanks for your honesty too. I am open to suggestions too. ^^.

    @Soldat of life: Honestly speaking, I had difficulty in ending the poem... I wanted to have the reader imagine the life of the girl as Hades took her to his lair. I watched "Lilium" too and I was left in awe (I was experiencing goosebumps too).

    Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^

  9. #6
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Forsaken

    My suggestions (in black) :
    In a deserted playground,
    The little girl embraces herself
    unpleasantly the numbing wind
    blows, rocking her to sleep.


    this is like my style
    I'm being pretentious when I say this, but I like your ideas with my words =P
    *gawsh I sound stuck up...*
    I'm just saying that you have a really powerful image here and if you allow yourself to lose the rigidity of set structures you can have a piece which flows in some parts and really hits the reader hard.

    My advice:
    Do your best and even if you have arse faces like myself who bog down on your work eventually you'll become more amazing then anyone.

    Afterthought:
    I'm sorry for the low quality comment I left you earlier, you deserved better.
    anyways I said that this poem was an 8 but give it work and it could easily be in some literary text books somewhere because like I said earlier, you have a powerful image to work with. Let it sit on your mind for a while then give it a will and let it write itself. You are a brilliant writer (the last stanza alone is well... wow. but yeah let that happen the whole way through)
    I think you should consider swapping " a lifeless lair" for his. but it's totally your call.
    PM me if you have any questions or if you want to rant at me for being such a prick.
    Cuz I am when it comes to trying to help. I think it does people (and their art) injustice to not be blunt. So yeah, sorry if i seem harsh but then agian not really because it means I respect you.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Re: Forsaken

    Lol ^^ this is quite a nice poem.. love the imagery and the way the poem flows... its slow and soft... just like the innocent heart of the little girl... nicely done ^^ I loved it.. keep it up!

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