For one man misery comes as a raging flood.
In sheets he carries what is left of his sister.
On the way home his dishdasha soaks with her blood.
Tries to overcome but this stays his soul's blister.
Now he clutches an A.K. in a tower.
A convoy comes through here in day's earliest hour
A dozen more friends are hiding across the street.
If they kill one it will not be thought a defeat.
A devoted son sees his father is now dead.
But what fills this 15-year old boy's night with dread
Is that he is an 8-person family's head.
The next few years are struggles for money and bread.
A man lends him a hand in his years of despair,
Puts bills in his pocket, says "park this car near there."
Kin trumps lofty principle, he does as told.
On his way home later he hears something explode.
A Persian is pounded hard to the face.
Ribs are bruised, eyes black, and they broke her nose.
The woman protested in the wrong place.
Since she was little that is how it goes.
She longs for a time she has never seen.
With no corrupt political machine.
Presidents and Ayatollahs give cause to grieve.
If this keeps up some more to find peace she may leave.
Last edited by beast; Oct 09, 2009 at 09:26 PM.
Very vivid imagery. It's a strong poem and brilliantly written (as pretty much all your poems are). I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over when I comment on your poetry, but truth to tell, it really is good.
For grammatical criticism, I think "says" in line four should be "remains". Also, "A Persian in pounded hard to the face" I think you mean to say "is". Is that a typo?
Anyway, it's pretty difficult to pick out any real flaws here.
!beast (Oct 12, 2009)
You know those were typos and I think when I am back in america I will invest in software with a grammar check. It is difficult for me since when I read I see what I already know should be there not as it is. As for "remains", I need to keep a good syllable count. Thank you.Originally Posted by Japxican
Japxican has been an editing wiz its funny. But i do soo agree. The imagry is so intense and concrete. Truly a piece of beautiful work.
Shippo is determined to become a lvl higherI'm a solider of Pen and Paper!<3 Atomik_Sprout <3
!beast (Oct 09, 2009)
A very beautiful poem, yet painfully forlorn. I liked this one a lot. It reflects what we've all heard time and time again, in newspapers, on television, but on a deeply personal level. In your profession you've most likely seen all there is to see, and this is your outlet.
It might take a long time, but I definitely believe that there is cause for hope in wartorn countries. Maybe you'll think that I'm naive for thinking so, having never witnessed the seemingly hopeless situations, but it's human nature to move forward, and I do believe that they're at least trying. We all are.
!beast (Oct 12, 2009)
Posting Permissions
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks