View Poll Results: Does it suck? (no beating around the bush)

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  • Yes

    5 62.50%
  • no

    3 37.50%
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Thread: Heart Pain

  1. #1
    Otaku Basketball Champion Shippo101 has disabled reputation Shippo101's Avatar
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    Heart Pain

    O heart I see
    You’re killing me
    I do not see
    What your purpose
    Maybe

    What are you?
    You are not mine

    Are you the heart from the destructed shadow?
    That has no physical form
    Torn
    Broken
    Alone
    Because all the pain it felt
    From its pervious vessel

    Or did you belong to the man
    Who
    Shoved the arrow thought you
    Because
    His wife
    Left him
    Took the kids
    The house
    And his will to live

    Or maybe to the old Woman
    That worried so much about
    Little
    Tiny Betty
    That when Betty died
    Old lady
    Left not to long afterwards
    Old Lady left you behind
    And you were left to
    Wither away it the
    Darkness known as Earth

    Well I am sorry for all the
    Pain
    Hurt
    Misery
    Agony
    You felt
    Sorry that you can’t
    Make a home
    Were I
    Threw away my heart
    So I can’t feel the pain
    You feel now

    Sorry you are seeing the world for what it is
    Sorry you are seeing the world for what it will be
    Sorry NO one signed in a will that said you are mine
    Sorry that you are you a human heart
    I am so past sorry that you are dieing.
    Shippo is determined to become a lvl higher
    I'm a solider of Pen and Paper!
    <3 Atomik_Sprout <3

  2. #2
    Banned ABC Crazy Champion flaminghate may be famous one day flaminghate may be famous one day
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    Re: Heart Pain

    awesome poem man,
    loved it it's kinda sad too
    "Pain
    Hurt
    Misery
    Agony"
    I know how that feels T-T lovely poem

  3. #3
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Heart Pain

    It seemed really choppy to me. I think it's your wording and lack of punctuation.
    Seduced by Flesh


  4. #4
    Otaku Just Pitching Champion, Mile High Club Champion, Penguin Dive Champion, Gold Strike Champion Darkened_Star may be famous one day Darkened_Star may be famous one day Darkened_Star's Avatar
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    Re: Heart Pain

    Sorry you are seeing the world for what it is
    Sorry you are seeing the world for what it will be
    Sorry NO one signed in a will that said you are mine
    Sorry that you are you a human heart
    I am so past sorry that you are dieing.
    The poem itself is okay, but I don't like the way you wrote it. I'm not a big fan of the one word lines, though I sometimes use them myself. I love the sad, dark theme though and I love the final stanza. Keep them coming! Can't wait to read more.

    Come dance in the rain with me, no one is watching.

  5. #5
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
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    Re: Heart Pain

    The poem is okay, but it needs more working done. Rhyming words would be a good option
    And make happier ones. Good job ^_^

  6. #6
    NalaMidnight Eggs Champion P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess's Avatar
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    Re: Heart Pain

    I like it but like eveeryone siad you need more punctuation and I like the one word lines that shows where you want us to foccus on most. Those words that mean the most. Keep it up. I hope to see more.(^.^)

    ~Falling in love one step at a time~
    ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~

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