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Thread: Hearts In Pain

  1. #1
    Otaku chrystalann2004 is off to a good start chrystalann2004's Avatar
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    Hearts In Pain

    Hearts in pain

    You can scene your love is in pain.
    Within few minutes you fall to the floor,
    with pain so intense that you can hardly breathe.
    And the pain in your chest intensify every few second
    by ten fold.

    You cry out for help,
    but no one is there.
    All you want is too be held tightly,
    and all you want hear you are going to okay.
    The pain will pass.

    You want to help your loved one out,
    so you ask what can I do to help you though this?
    All that your loved ones says is "forget about it",
    you ask but why?
    And your love one replies to you,
    "it not your problem just forget about it".

    Although you sat okay you can't forget about it as it sits on your mind.
    But you still put your trust in your love one words.
    Finally you are starting to calm down,
    and the pain in your chest lighten up at last.

    As you listen to your loved one heart beating.
    Now content and feeling safe,
    in the arms of the one you love,
    and start too drift a sleep in your loved one arms at last.
    Last edited by chrystalann2004; Nov 13, 2007 at 11:14 AM. Reason: some new sugustion where to better this poem

  2. #2
    Dragonrider Ichigo_06 is off to a good start Ichigo_06's Avatar
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    Re: Hearts In Pain

    Quote Originally Posted by chrystalann2004 View Post
    Hearts in pain

    You can scene your love is in pain.
    Within few minutes you fall to the floor,
    with pain so intense that you can hardly breathe.
    As the pain in your chest intensify every few second
    ten fold.

    You cry out for help,
    but no one is there.
    All you want is too be held tightly,
    and you want hear you are going to okay.
    The pain will pass.

    You want to help your loved one out,
    so you ask what can I do to help you though this?
    All that your love one says is "Forget about it.",
    you ask but "Why?"
    And your love one replies to you,
    "It not your problem just forget about it."
    Although you say okay you can't forget about it as it sits on your mind.
    But you still put your trust in your loved one words.
    Finally you are starting to calm down,
    and the pain in your chest lightens up at last.

    As you listen to your loved ones heart beating.
    Now content and feeling safe,
    in the arms of the one you love,
    you start too drift a sleep in your loved ones arms at last.
    the phrases highlightd are ones that might want to be changed! lol either way nice job I felt that and if I was standing would have fell to the floor with you! lol anyways verry deep and great job keep up the work.
    ナサン フォオツド
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    Make one person smile for it will continue to spread but if you make a frown that will spread as well.http://www.animeonline.net/gallery/s...0/ppuser/57173

  3. #3
    Slippery When Wet~ Trampoline Tricks 2 Champion, Togy Ball Champion highteckdudu is off to a good start highteckdudu's Avatar
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    Re: Hearts In Pain

    So sad, i am teering up! *tears* that was good, great job! Keep up the good work! I cant wait to see more!
    I tryed to see things from your point of view but i cant seem to get my head that far up my ass!
    Visit www.highteckdudu.deviantart.com!

  4. #4
    Otaku chrystalann2004 is off to a good start chrystalann2004's Avatar
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    Re: Hearts In Pain

    thank you to the both of you for
    commenting
    and glad you like it
    so thanks agian
    Last edited by chrystalann2004; Nov 09, 2007 at 07:25 AM.

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    Re: Hearts In Pain

    This is a very good poem... hmm.. very strong.. but it's too formal... ^^ so the emotion in this poem is not too flourishing... try more uses of words and methaphores... and suchs ^^

    still... it's a good poem keep up the good work...

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    I'm BACK AO!
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  6. #6
    Otaku chrystalann2004 is off to a good start chrystalann2004's Avatar
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    Re: Hearts In Pain

    thank you for the feed back
    and i try to use more words and such
    in the next one
    i am glad you like it
    thanks again

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