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Thread: this heaven

  1. #1
    I'm sleepy... Jukebox Hero Champion, Word Up Champion, Word Craze Champion gren may be famous one day gren may be famous one day gren's Avatar
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    this heaven

    this heaven

    (remember)

    this heaven, this
    touch of flesh/this

    grip on bone, the
    fingers light but/deep,
    grasping his soul and/his
    whisper on my ear,

    rising as/mist, as clouds,
    as/weightless as though
    orbiting the/atmosphere

    trembling under silent
    gazes/a word or a volume
    in a soundless gasp

    a moment sought,
    this moment found
    this moment stretched/across
    eternity...this hour, this day/this
    feeling, this is/this

    is/this

    is

    heaven

    (to breathe)



    Not sure if I hit exactly what I was going for with this, but I do like the way it turned out.
    sig by Pyro Psycho

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    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: this heaven

    Ooooooohhh.... "remember to breathe" ...
    Its like you captured a beautiful, heavenly moment in time....

    I read it again, holding my breath as though I was too overwhelmed by the feeling of it to breathe. Inhailing only at the end. In many years this poem is the closest I've come to feeling that way.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    I'm sleepy... Jukebox Hero Champion, Word Up Champion, Word Craze Champion gren may be famous one day gren may be famous one day gren's Avatar
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    Re: this heaven

    Thanks. That's really what I was going for, a breath caught in the throat kind of feeling at something so unbelievably amazing. The stanzas are more of an afterthought, I originally had it all lumped together, but it seems to give more to the feeling to break it up.
    sig by Pyro Psycho

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    Otaku Inuruto is off to a good start Inuruto's Avatar
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    Re: this heaven

    Something about your writing brings me back to literature class in my desk reading poetry... Poetry at it's finest!!! A search for beauty, I guess you've found it right here in this writing... I envy you cause I could never write something like this... My writing always end up like freestyle lyrics, but this is not about me this is about you & how you captured beauty in every stanza making the reader know the feeling when they find heaven... "A moment sought, this moment found"... That line right there put the whole writing on track... Great use of words!!!

    The heart can't lie... Truth is... I love you!!!

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