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Thread: here goes the first poem from me

  1. #1
    Newbie Forgotten soul is off to a good start Forgotten soul's Avatar
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    here goes the first poem from me

    Forgotten dreams
    ------------------
    Scarred tree stands alone
    Next to a house long unused,
    Windows smashed, porch sagging
    Yard littered with broken glass,
    Footsteps echo through empty rooms
    Walls stained, tattered wallpaper,
    Garbage strewn across the bare floor
    Abandoned.

    The land is planted by large companies
    City farmers in glass cages,
    Sitting behind desks
    Formulating more efficiency.

    Inside the old house spirits talk
    still praying for rain,
    Smell of fresh bread heavy in the air
    Around you,
    Babies crying in the night
    Stumbling sounds, curses at barking dogs
    And kittens underfoot,
    Quiet murmurings in the night.
    Worries about the dry spell
    And another bad year,
    Can only hope and pray.

    City farmers plan and decide
    They need more field,
    So the old homestead will be sacrificed,
    Plowed under
    Only the scarred tree remaineds
    To mark the memory.

    Scarred tree stands along,
    Hearing whispers of children as they ride the breeze
    Laughter echoing in the wind,
    Scarred tree listens
    Single frayed rope on its branch
    Swaying gently in the hot sun,
    Discarded tire at its base, rotting
    On the ground,
    Little girl's songs distant now
    Still echo in its roots,
    Scarred tree listens and holds forgotten dreams
    On dying branches.
    Last edited by Forgotten soul; Mar 26, 2007 at 03:50 PM.

  2. #2
    NalaMidnight Eggs Champion P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess's Avatar
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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    hmm this was good but it wasn't great. ther were grammer and spelling problems through out.
    But was a good topic. (^.^)

    ~Falling in love one step at a time~
    ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~

  3. #3
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    Hmmm.. Im not sure where to began.
    I liked the imagery. Oddly it left me with a craving for lemonade

    There were some spelling errors. And it seemed like the poem had different stories woven into one context, wich made it a bit confusing.

    But I think all in all you get the prize for excellent imagery. And making me thirsty.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    yay! you two like my poem^_^
    um.. can you point out the errors,please?^^;;

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    NalaMidnight Eggs Champion P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess's Avatar
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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    Sure in the 1st stanza I didn't know if you were making everything plural. or if it was just one thing plural.
    hmm also the second stanza needs a comma after city farmers in glass cages. (I do belive it needs one there don't quote me)
    There were some more but I can't remeber where htey were.

    ~Falling in love one step at a time~
    ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~

  6. #6
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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    "The land is planted by large companies
    City farmers in glass cages
    Sitting behind desks
    Formulating more efficincy." < Efficiency

    "City farners plan and decide
    They need more yield" <That was obviously just a type-o

    I think you may have already edited the rest.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    Thank you both for helping me^_^
    well I'm still learning on how to write a poem more proper

  8. #8
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: here goes the first poem from me

    Wow, happy to see some helpful crticism in the comments.

    I actually enjoyed reading the poem. I'd suggest using periods to help the flow.
    Seduced by Flesh


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