here goes the first poem from me

Forgotten soul · Mar 25, 2007, 02:51 PM

Forgotten dreams
------------------
Scarred tree stands alone
Next to a house long unused,
Windows smashed, porch sagging
Yard littered with broken glass,
Footsteps echo through empty rooms
Walls stained, tattered wallpaper,
Garbage strewn across the bare floor
Abandoned.

The land is planted by large companies
City farmers in glass cages,
Sitting behind desks
Formulating more efficiency.

Inside the old house spirits talk
still praying for rain,
Smell of fresh bread heavy in the air
Around you,
Babies crying in the night
Stumbling sounds, curses at barking dogs
And kittens underfoot,
Quiet murmurings in the night.
Worries about the dry spell
And another bad year,
Can only hope and pray.

City farmers plan and decide
They need more field,
So the old homestead will be sacrificed,
Plowed under
Only the scarred tree remaineds
To mark the memory.

Scarred tree stands along,
Hearing whispers of children as they ride the breeze
Laughter echoing in the wind,
Scarred tree listens
Single frayed rope on its branch
Swaying gently in the hot sun,
Discarded tire at its base, rotting
On the ground,
Little girl's songs distant now
Still echo in its roots,
Scarred tree listens and holds forgotten dreams
On dying branches.

P.R. Princess · Mar 25, 2007, 02:57 PM

hmm this was good but it wasn't great. ther were grammer and spelling problems through out.
But was a good topic. (^.^)

*Peach_follows* · Mar 25, 2007, 03:04 PM

Hmmm.. Im not sure where to began.
I liked the imagery. Oddly it left me with a craving for lemonade

There were some spelling errors. And it seemed like the poem had different stories woven into one context, wich made it a bit confusing.

But I think all in all you get the prize for excellent imagery. And making me thirsty.

Forgotten soul · Mar 25, 2007, 03:07 PM

yay! you two like my poem^_^
um.. can you point out the errors,please?^^;;

P.R. Princess · Mar 25, 2007, 03:15 PM

Sure in the 1st stanza I didn't know if you were making everything plural. or if it was just one thing plural.
hmm also the second stanza needs a comma after city farmers in glass cages. (I do belive it needs one there don't quote me)
There were some more but I can't remeber where htey were.

*Peach_follows* · Mar 25, 2007, 03:20 PM

"The land is planted by large companies
City farmers in glass cages
Sitting behind desks
Formulating more efficincy." < Efficiency

"City farners plan and decide
They need more yield" <That was obviously just a type-o

I think you may have already edited the rest.

Forgotten soul · Mar 25, 2007, 09:19 PM

Thank you both for helping me^_^
well I'm still learning on how to write a poem more proper

*Kasai* · Mar 26, 2007, 03:25 PM

Wow, happy to see some helpful crticism in the comments.

I actually enjoyed reading the poem. I'd suggest using periods to help the flow.

Forgotten soul · Mar 26, 2007, 03:35 PM

@Kasai,
where do you think I should put periods?
please and thank you very much^_^

*Kasai* · Mar 26, 2007, 03:38 PM

At the end of sentences of course.

Forgotten soul · Mar 26, 2007, 03:51 PM

ok,Kasai,
I made some changes tell me what you think^_^

Mar 25, 2007, 02:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
Forgotten soul Newbie Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 67 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 133	here goes the first poem from me Forgotten dreams ------------------ Scarred tree stands alone Next to a house long unused, Windows smashed, porch sagging Yard littered with broken glass, Footsteps echo through empty rooms Walls stained, tattered wallpaper, Garbage strewn across the bare floor Abandoned. The land is planted by large companies City farmers in glass cages, Sitting behind desks Formulating more efficiency. Inside the old house spirits talk still praying for rain, Smell of fresh bread heavy in the air Around you, Babies crying in the night Stumbling sounds, curses at barking dogs And kittens underfoot, Quiet murmurings in the night. Worries about the dry spell And another bad year, Can only hope and pray. City farmers plan and decide They need more field, So the old homestead will be sacrificed, Plowed under Only the scarred tree remaineds To mark the memory. Scarred tree stands along, Hearing whispers of children as they ride the breeze Laughter echoing in the wind, Scarred tree listens Single frayed rope on its branch Swaying gently in the hot sun, Discarded tire at its base, rotting On the ground, Little girl's songs distant now Still echo in its roots, Scarred tree listens and holds forgotten dreams On dying branches. __________________ Last edited by Forgotten soul; Mar 26, 2007 at 03:50 PM.
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Mar 25, 2007, 02:57 PM	#2 (permalink)
P.R. Princess NalaMidnight Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 900 Thanks: 3 Thanked 17 Times in 16 Posts Credits: 14,170	Re: here goes the first poem from me hmm this was good but it wasn't great. ther were grammer and spelling problems through out. But was a good topic. (^.^) __________________ ~GUNSLINGER~A7X=MIA~ ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~ ~I give my heart and everything to my sailor~
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Mar 25, 2007, 03:04 PM	#3 (permalink)
Peach_follows Femmebot's feel nothing. Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Friendly Fridley Posts: 1,026 Thanks: 42 Thanked 32 Times in 30 Posts Credits: 2,215	Re: here goes the first poem from me Hmmm.. Im not sure where to began. I liked the imagery. Oddly it left me with a craving for lemonade There were some spelling errors. And it seemed like the poem had different stories woven into one context, wich made it a bit confusing. But I think all in all you get the prize for excellent imagery. And making me thirsty. __________________ Who needs a spray can, when you're a femmebot? http://www.myspace.com/j1gg481tt
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Mar 25, 2007, 03:07 PM	#4 (permalink)
Forgotten soul Newbie Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 67 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 133	Re: here goes the first poem from me yay! you two like my poem^_^ um.. can you point out the errors,please?^^;; __________________
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Mar 25, 2007, 03:15 PM	#5 (permalink)
P.R. Princess NalaMidnight Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 900 Thanks: 3 Thanked 17 Times in 16 Posts Credits: 14,170	Re: here goes the first poem from me Sure in the 1st stanza I didn't know if you were making everything plural. or if it was just one thing plural. hmm also the second stanza needs a comma after city farmers in glass cages. (I do belive it needs one there don't quote me) There were some more but I can't remeber where htey were. __________________ ~GUNSLINGER~A7X=MIA~ ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~ ~I give my heart and everything to my sailor~
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Mar 25, 2007, 03:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
Peach_follows Femmebot's feel nothing. Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Friendly Fridley Posts: 1,026 Thanks: 42 Thanked 32 Times in 30 Posts Credits: 2,215	Re: here goes the first poem from me "The land is planted by large companies City farmers in glass cages Sitting behind desks Formulating more efficincy." < Efficiency "City farners plan and decide They need more yield" <That was obviously just a type-o I think you may have already edited the rest. __________________ Who needs a spray can, when you're a femmebot? http://www.myspace.com/j1gg481tt
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Mar 25, 2007, 09:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
Forgotten soul Newbie Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 67 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 133	Re: here goes the first poem from me Thank you both for helping me^_^ well I'm still learning on how to write a poem more proper __________________
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Mar 26, 2007, 03:25 PM	#8 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,490	Re: here goes the first poem from me Wow, happy to see some helpful crticism in the comments. I actually enjoyed reading the poem. I'd suggest using periods to help the flow. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
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Mar 26, 2007, 03:35 PM	#9 (permalink)
Forgotten soul Newbie Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 67 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 133	Re: here goes the first poem from me @Kasai, where do you think I should put periods? please and thank you very much^_^ __________________
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Mar 26, 2007, 03:38 PM	#10 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,490	Re: here goes the first poem from me At the end of sentences of course. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
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Mar 26, 2007, 03:51 PM	#11 (permalink)
Forgotten soul Newbie Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 67 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 133	Re: here goes the first poem from me ok,Kasai, I made some changes tell me what you think^_^ __________________
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