+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 8 of 11

Thread: Home

  1. #1
    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Hell is an understatement
    Posts
    593
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Home

    Sitting below our family tree
    Watching the passers by
    Awaiting your arrival at the doorstep

    The sand slowly drops into the glass cylinder
    Bit by bit
    Pieces by pieces

    The sky darkens and the light fades away
    Nothing is seen anymore
    What's left are the mysterious creatures
    Who reveals themselve as the night begins

    I haven't lost faith
    Pointless as it is
    My heart tells my to continue the long wait

    At long last the familiar sound of your car is heard
    My legs shot up and ran as fast as they could take me
    The keys beside my dangle as the wind blow agaisnt them

    This is what I've been waiting for
    Your presence makes me feel at home
    Knowing that you're here has an undeniable effect on me

    Hold on, please don't...
    Too late
    The irritating and hateful sound rang
    I tried to stopped it
    But I knew the case was useless
    As i stare helplessly as you picked the phone

    Moments later which felt like an eternity
    You looked at me with your apological eyes
    Like you always did
    And drove the car away into the night once more

    Maybe you don't know me well
    But riches that you give doesn't mean anything to me
    No jewels, money or fame
    Could ever replace you

    So just please me for once
    For all I've ever wanted was to hear that familiar sound of your car
    Coming home...

    pls comment!! BE HONEST.

  2. #2
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Life is an illusion.
    Posts
    2,429
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 17 Times in 16 Posts

    Re: Home

    Elie I love the way you put your emotions into your poems. I love it.

  3. #3
    Community Dude Asteroids Champion dude101 may be famous one day dude101 may be famous one day dude101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Australia, Newy
    Posts
    725
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Home

    well... its not as good as ur other works to be honest (n u did say honest). but its still good just not as good. anyway its a nice poem, but i feel like theres something missing out of this one. but don't be dishearten cause ur poems r great. so keep up the good work.

  4. #4
    THUMBSUCKING ADDICTION Mr. K is making a name for themselves Mr. K is making a name for themselves Mr. K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    (6 Months of Sun)
    Posts
    1,338
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 9 Times in 8 Posts

    Re: Home

    -___- why so long? Anyway. This is different, but a good different.
    ≥°≤ [?] █▓▒░░▒▓█ [?] ≥°≤
    You know how you drown a blonde, Rosalie? Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
    Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 14, p.271
    Lamie Hynamen "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

  5. #5
    Newbie angel girl may be famous one day angel girl may be famous one day angel girl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    clould kingdom....^^
    Posts
    2
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Home

    hm...well is NIce ,not bad...but i don't seem it ryhme much...but still gud lol... keep working
    Angel girl~~

  6. #6
    Shichibukai JefferyXie may be famous one day JefferyXie may be famous one day JefferyXie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    613
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Home

    Well,this poem is not too bad.u sure showed ur emotions in it which i can c.if i were to be honest dat is,it would be to say it lacks certain elements which could have made the poem heaps better.a suggestion would be is to use different emotive words which allows the reader to feel empathy,draw em in.use words dat appeals to ppl's heart rather than their minds.don't feel too sad if it sounds lyk a critism.keep working at it.

  7. #7
    AO's Demon Slayer Hexxagon Champion, Match Stick Soccer Champion Blade X may be famous one day Blade X may be famous one day Blade X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Protecting my loved one.
    Posts
    1,601
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Home

    this is a bit longer than ur previous poems but it still holds the same quality which ur other poems have.

    Thanks for the siggy Ky-lyrra

  8. #8
    Warrior Monk kedar may be famous one day kedar may be famous one day kedar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Monk Society
    Posts
    3,006
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts

    Re: Home

    Be honest, eh? Okies! ^^ Compared to the other ones that you wrote, Elie, I just didn't see the Elie-ness in this one, but still, you conveyed a neat meaning. There are a few spelling erros, but they don't matter much. However, some sentences were revised a little further, this piece can turn into a great one as well. For example:

    The sand slowly drops into the glass cylinder
    Bit by bit
    Pieces by pieces


    For some reason (^_^), when I was reading this, the phrase "pieces by pieces," didn't sound like it fits in properly along this stanza. The word 'pieces' didn't relate well to sand. (^_^) So, please try to take time, and revise the poem a little, then it will bounce back sparkling! Either way, great work, Elie.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Hell Is My Home
    By hellknight in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: Jan 12, 2006, 11:17 AM
  2. foster home cages
    By erisluvsthanatos1313 in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: Oct 04, 2005, 02:24 PM
  3. Home networking woes
    By vb0xn4rd in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: May 06, 2005, 07:30 PM
  4. Where would you go if you ran away from home?
    By nova_racket in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: Jan 18, 2005, 06:52 PM
  5. Returning to my other home sweet home
    By Brilliant Brunette in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: Dec 27, 2004, 12:23 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts