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Elie Jelly Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Hell is an understatement
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![]() ![]() Credits: 2,051 | Home Sitting below our family tree Watching the passers by Awaiting your arrival at the doorstep The sand slowly drops into the glass cylinder Bit by bit Pieces by pieces The sky darkens and the light fades away Nothing is seen anymore What's left are the mysterious creatures Who reveals themselve as the night begins I haven't lost faith Pointless as it is My heart tells my to continue the long wait At long last the familiar sound of your car is heard My legs shot up and ran as fast as they could take me The keys beside my dangle as the wind blow agaisnt them This is what I've been waiting for Your presence makes me feel at home Knowing that you're here has an undeniable effect on me Hold on, please don't... Too late The irritating and hateful sound rang I tried to stopped it But I knew the case was useless As i stare helplessly as you picked the phone Moments later which felt like an eternity You looked at me with your apological eyes Like you always did And drove the car away into the night once more Maybe you don't know me well But riches that you give doesn't mean anything to me No jewels, money or fame Could ever replace you So just please me for once For all I've ever wanted was to hear that familiar sound of your car Coming home... pls comment!! BE HONEST.
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I hate idiots on AO. Kill Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Life is an illusion.
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![]() ![]() Credits: 14,865 | Re: Home Elie I love the way you put your emotions into your poems. I love it.
__________________ ![]() Wherever you see, there is always 98% of people who love something; and 2% that don't. I'm pretty sure that not ALL 98% of peeps don't support Lolita or anything. So if you agree, put it in your sig. | .:~My AO Gallery~:. | | .:~The AO Rules~:. | |
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![]() Community Dude Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Australia, Newcastle
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![]() ![]() Credits: 8,837 | Re: Home well... its not as good as ur other works to be honest (n u did say honest). but its still good just not as good. anyway its a nice poem, but i feel like theres something missing out of this one. but don't be dishearten cause ur poems r great. so keep up the good work. |
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Newbie Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: clould kingdom....^^
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![]() ![]() Credits: 110 | Re: Home hm...well is NIce ,not bad...but i don't seem it ryhme much...but still gud lol... keep working
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Shichibukai | Re: Home Well,this poem is not too bad.u sure showed ur emotions in it which i can c.if i were to be honest dat is,it would be to say it lacks certain elements which could have made the poem heaps better.a suggestion would be is to use different emotive words which allows the reader to feel empathy,draw em in.use words dat appeals to ppl's heart rather than their minds.don't feel too sad if it sounds lyk a critism.keep working at it. |
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![]() AO's Demon Slayer Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Protecting my loved one.
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![]() ![]() Credits: 1,446 | Re: Home this is a bit longer than ur previous poems but it still holds the same quality which ur other poems have.
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Warrior Monk Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Monk Society
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![]() ![]() Credits: 17,235 | Re: Home Be honest, eh? Okies! ^^ Compared to the other ones that you wrote, Elie, I just didn't see the Elie-ness in this one, but still, you conveyed a neat meaning. There are a few spelling erros, but they don't matter much. However, some sentences were revised a little further, this piece can turn into a great one as well. For example: The sand slowly drops into the glass cylinder Bit by bit Pieces by pieces For some reason (^_^), when I was reading this, the phrase "pieces by pieces," didn't sound like it fits in properly along this stanza. The word 'pieces' didn't relate well to sand. (^_^) So, please try to take time, and revise the poem a little, then it will bounce back sparkling! Either way, great work, Elie.
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| I have ACE nashers. Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: SunnyOl'England ;]
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![]() ![]() Credits: 4,258 | Re: Home I found your new poem! ^.^ As I said, I will comment! I thought this was really good - as always :P - and I can understand this poem a little better than the others. I think a lot of people may be able to relate to it, maybe as their parents don't see them that often or somthing like that.... Since in a way, even I can understand this poem, It is one of my favourites written by you!
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![]() Vampire Prince Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: right behind you ~*don't move*~
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![]() ![]() Credits: 1,400 | Re: Home honestly, it is good! but yes again like they say...not like the previous ones! but i still love it! ...im your biggest fan!
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