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Thread: Humans against the nature (Part I)

  1. #1
    Newbie sarcosuchus is off to a good start sarcosuchus's Avatar
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    Humans against the nature (Part I)

    Down somwhere to an unknown way
    Where creature exists; yes or no?
    I cannot say

    Awaken from a slumber of a creature behind
    Like a flash from the sky
    I makes me blind

    As I run deeper in the jungle of fear
    Giving me so much pain
    It is perfect clear

    And I found my self lying behind a tree
    Then a tear from heaven drop in my eyes
    And it became my remedy

    I saw an angel wearing a white cape
    Stand at my front
    Giving me a dreaded shape

    "Stand young" man as it speak
    Cause you gonna find out the reason
    At that peak

    I cannot understand what he mean
    Cause I am only an ordinary man
    At the age of sixteen

    But my feet move without my permission or cause
    Towar the earth, toward the sea
    Without stop, with out pause

    Then I saw an empty plain covered with snow
    No one is living there
    Nothing it can show

    I wander at that place full of curiosity
    Then a monster rose from the frozen lake
    With an eyes of calamity

    I am the beast of nature's wrath
    I give a warning
    For all of the things you've done

    Trees are crying but people only can hear
    Their wicked laugh
    And their children's fear

    They are afraid that their sons may die
    From famine and disease; but they are not
    afraid of nature's cry

    I cannot say a word from my mouth
    Cause I know he's right, I cannot walk
    I cannot run I cannot shout

    The beast speaks again with a voice of a thunder strike
    That can chill you from toe
    To your spikes

    Look at the sea and watch the fishes
    That swim freely and fun, but look again
    And see how they die from poison gases

    I was been paralyzed by the terror of the tide
    But the worst I stunned
    From nature's broken pride

    Now, go deeply into the forest and find
    A fairy that is sweet and kind; ask her to teach you
    How to live and how to grind

    I followed his command with hesitate
    Cause I feel free when I'm lonely
    Deserted and devastate

    I am now stand at the path to forest
    I stop for a while and take a rest

  2. #2
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: Humans against the nature (Part I)

    This poem was long. Which means first and foremost you get kudos for the effort it took to write it.

    But, with long poems you have to be careful. You have to keep it interesting without it being too scattered and random after a while.

    That seemed to be the case here (in my opinion). It went from a chase in the forrest, to an encounter with an environmentally concious "nature beast". Suddenly theres a request to find a fairy? .... Then it just.... ends.

    As interesting as the story was it was kinda scattered and random.

    Once again though, I applaud the time it must have taken to write this... kudos
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    Re: Humans against the nature (Part I)

    thank you for your opinion I will do my best at the next part.

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    Newbie sarcosuchus is off to a good start sarcosuchus's Avatar
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    To the viewers...

    Plss reply or send me a message cause I want to know if my poem sucks or hilarious.. cause if this poem sucks, I will not spend my energy and effort for continuing this narrative poem anymore.

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