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Thread: I Replied, "No."

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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    I Replied, "No."

    (Not really worth reading. Just something I cranked out in five minutes.)

    I Replied, "No."
    By: divine_punishment


    The Moon asked me if she was beautiful;

    I replied, “No.”

    The Rose asked me if she was fragrant;

    I replied, “No.”

    The Bird asked me if her voice was lovely;

    I replied, “No.”

    The Fire asked me if she was passionate;

    I replied, “No.”

    The Ocean asked me if she was powerful;

    I replied, “No.”

    And when they asked me why
    I replied, “Because you are not my love
    Who exceeds the Moon in beauty,
    Who shames the Rose and mutes the Bird,
    More passionate than Fire, more powerful than the Ocean.
    None can surpass the lass I left in London.”

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    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    Don't say that. It's worth reading. I enjoyed it alot, it had a smooth flow and tempo really made me enjoy the poem even more. There aren't any mistakes I can see. As always good job ^^ Hope to see more from you.
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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    I thought this was interesting. During the first part I expected it to be flat and to be a let down as far as poetry goes. But I was plesantly suprised to find a lot of feeling and great wording towards the end.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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    divine_punishment (Apr 01, 2008)

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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    Well, I wanted the first part to be really blunt. The speaker does not really get a chance to explain his feelings until the end when they ask him why; some people (like me) don't like going into mushy details, but are just as passionate as Lord Byron, you know? I wanted to capture that . . . I don't think I did a very good job, though.

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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    Quote Originally Posted by divine_punishment View Post
    Well, I wanted the first part to be really blunt. The speaker does not really get a chance to explain his feelings until the end when they ask him why; some people (like me) don't like going into mushy details, but are just as passionate as Lord Byron, you know? I wanted to capture that . . . I don't think I did a very good job, though.
    Well I think you did that fantastically. It DOES seem like some one who has a hard time being mushy expression wise and yet has a lot of emotion and passion. So many boys get type-cast as unemotional and dispassionate meat heads just because they don't or can't clearly convey their feelings.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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    divine_punishment (Apr 01, 2008)

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    Newbie whitefoxdemon may be famous one day whitefoxdemon may be famous one day whitefoxdemon's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    Hey not bad. I like the simplicity of the poem. The last stanza throughs the flow off a bit.

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    divine_punishment (Apr 01, 2008)

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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    The last stanza is entirely different because the speaker is finally able to express himself beyond the usual monosyllabic answer. It's supposed to be radically different from the beginning.

    Definitely not my best work, but the first I have written in yonks.

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    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: I Replied, "No."

    Is this the one you were talking about Divine??? I like it. It sounds nice. Its good for one that hasn't written in a while. I wish i could write like that.

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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