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Thread: I see her in the nights cool air.

  1. #1
    Newbie man of lost soul may be famous one day man of lost soul may be famous one day man of lost soul's Avatar
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    I see her in the nights cool air.

    I see her in the nights cool air.
    Running from the pain that is coused by that house.
    The house so dark and bleack all that live thare fear to sleep.
    The old man couses the pain.
    With his words and hands he fills no shame.
    I watch her each night from my room.
    She sits in the park crying on the swing.
    Becouse she know no one will do a thing.
    Help will not come for her not from prayer or some strong knight to save her.
    I see her out from time to time and I think in the back of my mind.
    I know of something I could do.
    But if I was to help how would she know.
    I dare not say that I love her or need her but the pain she fills hounts my
    soul.
    So I watch from my room as she runs in the night.
    I grab my tools and will be done by fearst light.
    As the cops drive away leaving her to a new family.
    I stay in my room hidden out of site.
    So now I go for a walk in the night cool air.
    Hopeing that her new life is fare.




    I know the spelling suck and I cant get the wording just right.

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: I see her in the nights cool air.

    Well, try not make sentences in each verse. i mean, that gives it a weird abrupt ending to the verse and makes the flow seem jagged.
    Seduced by Flesh


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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: I see her in the nights cool air.

    A bit off, grammatically, and the spelling was . . . creative. Certain things remain unclear. What are your tools? What did you do to her? Overall, this was a very interesting poem; I was not bored half-way through, as I usually am. If you fix the aforementioned problems, I think it would improve your work a great deal.

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