+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 8 of 11

Thread: Icharus of Time

  1. #1
    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Good question . . . where am I?
    Posts
    1,170
    Thanks
    22
    Thanked 26 Times in 21 Posts

    Icharus of Time

    (Follows a 10-8-5/5-8-10 pattern. Random, but I liked the flow . . .)

    Icharus of Time
    By: divine_punishment

    The hand of my watch is waving good-bye.
    Time has grown wings and is flying
    Too close to the sun.

    I hear him laughing,
    Chasing the ball into the street.
    The car comes and my feet are stuck like glue.

    Time stops short, hanging over the ocean.
    We shall all be falling shortly.
    I hear him screaming.

    My numb legs unfreeze.
    As he flies past Time on his wings,
    New wings, a gift from the car speeding by.

    Greedy Time steals his wings and stays aloft.
    He lands like rain on the pavement.
    My footsteps falter.

    I fall to my knees.
    His bloody halo shines brightly
    And Time flies away from my son's body.
    Last edited by divine_punishment; Nov 08, 2007 at 10:01 PM.

  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Crystal Minnesota.
    Posts
    556
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked 44 Times in 42 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    Holy....effing....hell...
    The imagery you used and the story you told were both really....really powerful.
    "his bloody halo shines brightly"
    When you got to that part in your last stanza....I started crying. My heart broke a little when I found it was the speakers son. (I donno if this is true to your life or if your speaking from someone elses perspective. If it's you.... I am SO sorry you went through that.)
    Wow. Just wow. Keep writing. I'm more and more impressed EVERY time I read. The flow, was perfect even if it was random.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  3. #3
    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Good question . . . where am I?
    Posts
    1,170
    Thanks
    22
    Thanked 26 Times in 21 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    Quote Originally Posted by bratling View Post
    Holy....effing....hell...
    The imagery you used and the story you told were both really....really powerful.
    "his bloody halo shines brightly"
    When you got to that part in your last stanza....I started crying. My heart broke a little when I found it was the speakers son. (I donno if this is true to your life or if your speaking from someone elses perspective. If it's you.... I am SO sorry you went through that.)
    Wow. Just wow. Keep writing. I'm more and more impressed EVERY time I read. The flow, was perfect even if it was random.
    It wasn't my son . . . (I have no children . . . no spouse, for that matter . . . not even a significant other).

    Thank you very much. Your review was just what I needed to keep writing.

    (I'm sorry I made you cry!!)

  4. #4
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Crystal Minnesota.
    Posts
    556
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked 44 Times in 42 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    Don't be sorry. IT's really hard to do. In fact I'm usually the only one who makes me cry.

    I'm greatful to hear it's not your child. Though if it's a person you know or something like that rather then pure fiction, I feel for them too. I've not got children but I know how importantt o me they would be. And I can't imagine the heart ach one would feel from seeing something like that happen to THEIR baby. Yanno? God.

    Well I hope you do keep writing. Your very good at it. And I advocate it for ANYONE as a good source of personal therepy.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  5. #5
    Otaku rksamurai may be famous one day rksamurai may be famous one day rksamurai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Within the arms of the one I love.
    Posts
    407
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Re: Icharus of Time

    This is so violent!!!!!!! Yuck.. so depressing.. *cries*

    Really well done! I am going to save it and have it.... If you dont mind.. buddy.. I just want someone to read it.
    Thank you Lasura!
    My lover speaks; and he says, 'Arise my beloved my beautiful one and come!' -Song of Songs 2:10

  6. #6
    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Good question . . . where am I?
    Posts
    1,170
    Thanks
    22
    Thanked 26 Times in 21 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    No, by all means. You can share it. That's very flattering. (Credit goes to me, though.)

  7. #7
    Chtonian Slayer Astaroth may be famous one day Astaroth's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    you really do not want to know
    Posts
    525
    Thanks
    23
    Thanked 49 Times in 47 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    Wow......this is really really good......especially the words.....they are so dark and mysterious!!!!!!
    Great job!!!!!
    DO NOT MAKE ME UNLEASH MY INNER DEMON

  8. #8
    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Not somewhere I love but I am glad I have a home so far
    Posts
    3,804
    Thanks
    82
    Thanked 61 Times in 56 Posts

    Re: Icharus of Time

    Hah.. a very well done job by tenchu san.. well explain a bit to me about the pattern?

    Follows a 10-8-5/5-8-10 pattern
    ty..

    Hmm... i love the imaginary here... the way the poem flows...is ok...kinda stuck on this verse to me..

    The hand of my watch is waving good-bye.
    Time has grown wings and is flying
    Too close to the sun
    i can't seem to read through the second like and third... stuck... :/ sheesh...maybe it's just me.. lol

    I love the descriptions... and the way you wrote this poem is kinda dreamy.. put more effect on it... nicely done.. loved it... ^^

    Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!!
    I'm BACK AO!
    >>>facebook<<<

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. It's about time XD
    By Soldat of life in forum Poems
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Sep 27, 2006, 09:55 AM
  2. My First Time
    By WildKat in forum Introductions
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: Sep 12, 2006, 08:10 AM
  3. Time
    By Baal in forum Poems
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: Sep 09, 2006, 03:45 AM
  4. For the last time
    By Sinistra in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: Mar 26, 2005, 09:47 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts