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Thread: Inaudible Cry

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    Otaku Sarentai Kyoukan is off to a good start Sarentai Kyoukan's Avatar
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    Inaudible Cry

    Inaudible cry is a poem from one of my stories and i thought of posting separately too. I wrote this in an airplane when a sudden wave of weirdly happy-sad feeling took over me .(Lucky i had my diary with me =) anyhow do tell me what u guys think ^-^

    Devoured by the never-ending darkness in my own heart,
    I watched helplessly as everything I had fell apart .

    Lie in the stillness as numbness washed over me,was all that I could do,
    Every sorrowful day that had dawned ,made me do actions that I rue

    Hope had forgotten me ,the world had left me alone,
    tbut then came an angel,claiming to have heard me moan

    I had cried out to the world till my throat became dry,
    no one responded,yet this angel had heard my inaudible cry.

    Shining light was emerging from where the darkness, the angel had tore,
    & as my head rested in the angel's arms ,I knew that I would weep no more.


    That's it ! so did u like it or not ?

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    kingmustang (Aug 12, 2010)

  3. #2
    Newbie kingmustang is off to a good start kingmustang's Avatar
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    Re: Inaudible Cry

    Quote Originally Posted by Sarentai Kyoukan View Post
    Inaudible cry is a poem from one of my stories and i thought of posting separately too. I wrote this in an airplane when a sudden wave of weirdly happy-sad feeling took over me .(Lucky i had my diary with me =) anyhow do tell me what u guys think ^-^

    Devoured by the never-ending darkness in my own heart,
    I watched helplessly as everything I had fell apart .

    Lie in the stillness as numbness washed over me,was all that I could do,
    Every sorrowful day that had dawned ,made me do actions that I rue

    Hope had forgotten me ,the world had left me alone,
    tbut then came an angel,claiming to have heard me moan

    I had cried out to the world till my throat became dry,
    no one responded,yet this angel had heard my inaudible cry.

    Shining light was emerging from where the darkness, the angel had tore,
    & as my head rested in the angel's arms ,I knew that I would weep no more.


    That's it ! so did u like it or not ?

    I really liked this! If I could make one little suggestion tho....I found from my own writing that people are more willing to read all the way through if the sentences are shorter, do not ask me why but it is true. So you might try it like this.

    Devoured by the never-ending darkness
    with in my own heart
    I watched helplessly
    as everything I had fell apart

    Lieing in the stillness
    as the numbness washed over me
    was all that I could do
    Every sorrowful day that had dawned
    made me do actions that I rue

    Hope had forgotten me
    the world had left me alone
    but then came an angel
    claiming to have heard me moan

    I had cried out to the world
    till my throat became dry
    but no one responded
    yet this angel had heard my inaudible cry

    Shining light was emerging
    where the darkness, the angel had tore,
    & as my head rested in the angel's arms
    I knew that I would weep no more.

    Aside from that I thought it was very good Post more!
    Sword in hand, fire in heart, I walk towards my future just playing my part.
    The school of the undefeated East! The winds of the king! Zenshin! Keiretsu! Tempa! Kyoran! Look! The East is burning red!” (G Gundam)
    Ride Fast, Live Free & Stay strong.

  4. #3
    Otaku Sarentai Kyoukan is off to a good start Sarentai Kyoukan's Avatar
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    Re: Inaudible Cry

    Quote Originally Posted by kingmustang View Post
    I really liked this! If I could make one little suggestion tho....I found from my own writing that people are more willing to read all the way through if the sentences are shorter, do not ask me why but it is true.

    Aside from that I thought it was very good Post more!

    Thanks for the suggestion ! ^^ Will surely look that in next time =D"

  5. #4
    Newbie BubbleBlower is off to a good start BubbleBlower's Avatar
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    Re: Inaudible Cry

    Quote Originally Posted by Sarentai Kyoukan View Post
    Thanks for the suggestion ! ^^ Will surely look that in next time =D"
    this poem is beautiful although at first i couldn't understand it, i loved it at the end, its short, sweet and simple just the way i like it post some more of your poems =]

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    Sarentai Kyoukan (Jun 01, 2011)

  7. #5
    Otaku Sarentai Kyoukan is off to a good start Sarentai Kyoukan's Avatar
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    Re: Inaudible Cry

    thanks ^_^ ... i dd post some more and will keep doing =D

    o crap..i think we just dead posted =/ how do you delete a post =_=
    Last edited by Sarentai Kyoukan; Jun 01, 2011 at 03:47 PM. Reason: dead posting ....>_>

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