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Thread: It's your's

  1. #1
    Otaku Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat's Avatar
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    It's your's

    Boy you got me going crazy
    This relationship is just a little too hazy
    You say you love me
    Well why won't you get down on one knee
    Boy you better be beggin' for me to stay
    I'm going to make you pay
    What happened to gentlemen
    Now "love" is nothing but a sin
    Why won't you just gimme a lil love
    Show me that I can pick you from all of the above
    This is kid is defiantely your's
    Now you say you wanna have more
    Boy it ain't gonna be with me
    So take your kisses and pack up them bags
    I ain't gunna be your's


    Cheahhh...not having a kid but it's based off a girl in my school

  2. #2
    Otaku Reese may be famous one day Reese may be famous one day
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    Re: It's your's

    hmmmm.... Its doesnt hav a good flow/ring 2 it. Its kinda all over the place 2 me. In a way I can relate 2 the meaning of the poem(minus the kid)....
    Overall it was interesting enough for me 2 finish.... so yeah, that says alot. LOL. jk jk. I look forward 2 more and watching ur progress.

  3. #3
    Warrior Monk kedar may be famous one day kedar may be famous one day kedar's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    I can relate from the far off to this poem because something similar happened to my older sister's friend. Anyway! Overall, I like the poem. (^^) It has a meaning, or more of a message to people to be careful on choosing the right person. ^^ But, I think if you revise some sentences, it would add an extra glow to this poem.

    For example:

    -What happened to gentlemen
    -Show me that I can pick you from all of the above

    I don't see anything wrong with them, but if you try to convey the same meaning locked within these sentences in a different way, it would be much better. ^_^

    All in all, I like it, Sassy. Keep writing. I am looking forward to read more! Write more, and share more.

  4. #4
    Otaku Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    Yeah...it probably could be a little more flowy but I'm too lazy. Is this bad? >.>;;

  5. #5
    Warrior Monk kedar may be famous one day kedar may be famous one day kedar's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    Quote Originally Posted by Sashacat
    Yeah...it probably could be a little more flowy but I'm too lazy. Is this bad? >.>;;
    It's not bad at all, but for every poem, there is always a room for improvement. So, maybe you could try to revise, edit, and modify it a little to generate a flow. ^_^

  6. #6
    Otaku Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    Indeed there is always room for improvement. I'll probably fix it later.

  7. #7
    Otaku pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru may be famous one day pigtaru's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    I like how the poem transistions from a perfect love to PEACE OUT! lol. Sadly, this reminds me of previous relationships that I've had that didn't work out...now i'm all gloomy,

    o~Piggy-san~o

  8. #8
    Otaku Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat's Avatar
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    Re: It's your's

    ^knocked a girl up! jk jk. Sorry that happened.

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