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Thread: Jill Fell Down

  1. #1
    super effective Last Man Standing Champion FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd's Avatar
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    Jill Fell Down

    Inside and deeply burning
    A hurricane is bleakly churning
    Hanging loosely on a thread
    At knife point, the blade red

    So caught up in what is bad
    Blind to the world and happiness had
    Self-imposed exile, out the door
    Bending herself into a plastic-fake whore

    She stands herself up only to fall down
    Chasing a Jack with a fool’s gold crown
    Lying inside about her nonfeeling
    All her happiness the world is stealing

    She always tries to build it back up
    Dodging the camera, no closeup
    Restlessly walking not with a sound
    Something wrong, her heart in the ground

    ---
    Well, I've written quite a bit while I wasn't on.

    So I guess I'll post something here or there.

    Enjoy
    Last edited by FLawEdmiNd; Feb 18, 2008 at 08:08 PM.
    the love you withhold is the pain you carry.

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Jill Fell Down

    I dunno why but I always like reading your poems... I guess it must be your style. Rhyming worked verywell and my only critique in that regard would be that you might possibly swap the rhyming scheme for the last stanza (or paired cuplet) just to let the audience know that it's over, unless you don't mean for it to be so I guess it works both ways... very good poem especially since it twists the allusion to Jack & Jill in an interesting way.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Jill Fell Down

    I enjoyed this one a lot! I loved the rhyiming and the nursery rhyme feel. You've got a unique style of writing. I like that. Keep up the good work, I hope to read more!


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    Re: Jill Fell Down

    I didn't feel nursery rhymey but that's because I only ever read the sugary versions of any of them. HOWEVER I like the whole dark rhymey poem a lot. It's really good. I like the wording and feel of the general poem. I will look forward to reading more from ya'.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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