Ok, this is what I want you to do with your other poem. This has impact! It's excellent. So if you could take that raging hatred and make it more moving like this one you'd have one of the greatest poems ever seen. The only suggestion I have is that you might want to try adding some punctuation in here some where and it'll make the reader pause giving certain moments emphasis.That's really all you need is some minor tweaking and it'll be great.