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Thread: Let Me See You Smile

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    Newbie Immortal Warrior may be famous one day Immortal Warrior may be famous one day Immortal Warrior's Avatar
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    Let Me See You Smile

    This is a poem that I wrote a little while back, along with a few others I'll post if you like. It's about a girl so yeah...


    Let Me See You Smile
    Daniel L. Carpenter
    5/20/06

    I just want to hold you,
    nothing but console you.
    I just love you so much,
    I'm high off your touch.

    Now you're like me,
    Lost in misery.
    Your tears spilling down,
    Your lips in a frown.

    If I had the ways,
    I'd hold you here for days.
    Let you cry on my shoulder,
    Let your pain smoulder.

    But you'll keep crying,
    And I'll keep trying.
    You still don't love me,
    But at least now you're happy.

    That's all I need,
    Smile and I'd be freed.
    I can't see you this way,
    But there's nothing I can say.

    The words that come through,
    Just an "I love you."
    You don't want to hear,
    It'd just bring a tear.

    So I swallow my heart,
    Play my own part.
    Let you cry for awhile,
    So I can see you smile.
    Writing is life again.

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    Otaku royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    wow. ^_^ that is great stuff! keep writing, k!


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    Otaku Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    ^I'd be careful about one-line posts if I were you, wouldn't want you to get in trouble, royal cutie pain

    I think it's a very well written poem, the only thing I'd change would be the 1st stanza of the 3rd verse, that's the only line that threw me off a bit. other than that, it's an awesome poem and for it's length, it flowed pretty well and again, it sounds great

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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    Hmmm, first line third stanza. Yeah that one always had me hanging a bit but I just kinda left it. I'll play around with it for awhile and see what comes up. Some more on the way.
    Writing is life again.

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    Otaku Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    just to be perfectly clear, I'm refering to the "If I had the ways" line. I'll be looking forward to reading you're other poems

    btw I can't stop typing that smiley, it feels like the sentance is just....incomplete without it

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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    LOL know how you feel, and yes I caught that one. Here's another one, written about the same girl, well actually, they're all about the same girl, the ones about her anyway...nevermind.

    On the Edge of Surrender
    Daniel L. Carpenter
    5/19/06

    My only light won't shine for me,
    There's someone else she wish I'd be.
    But I can't take the thought,
    Of her so damn distraught.

    I've got nothin to gain,
    No reward but pain,
    Everything to lose,
    No options to choose.

    The world's turned against,
    And broken my last defense.
    Nowhere left to run,
    Wish I had a gun.

    I'd give it all away,
    And have nothin' more to say.
    I'd end it in a blink,
    But God made me to think.

    I'm such a damn fool,
    Just shootin' some pool.
    Couldn't give up if I tried,
    Just to prove I survived.

    So life can try,
    But I'll never die.
    Not 'till I say,
    And that's not today.

    I'll get on my feet,
    And find my new beat.
    Find the old me,
    And I find the key.
    Writing is life again.

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    Otaku Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00 may be famous one day Rei_unit00's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    congrats, you're the second poet to give me chills while reading their work

    the whole poem in itself is awesome, but I really started getting into it by the 4th stanza. I deffinatly liked the way you changed emotions and you're attitude towards life throughout the poem, beautiful work the one thing that threw me off was the last line in the last stanza, but It's just.....awesome

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    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·. HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me See You Smile

    OMG that was soo beautiful. Keep up the good work
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·._.·'¯) ♥

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