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Thread: A Life Fulfilled

  1. #1
    Legendary Otaku Happy Pill Champion, Monkey Mayhem Champion NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90's Avatar
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    A Life Fulfilled

    I sit back in my chair, my eyes, they grow dim
    I start to recall my terminal hymn

    They say in last moments one's life flashes by
    Calming as it is, i can't help but cry

    I see my first step onto the big yellow bus
    Kicking and screaming and making a fuss

    I recall education and the friends that i made
    I learned that though distant, memories do not fade

    I recall getting married to the woman I love
    With voice just as soft as the coo of a dove

    I see my first child, a strong willed young girl
    Walking through time as her future unfurls.

    Her eighteenth year beckons a parent's worst fear
    The knowledge your child's departure is near

    She walked off to college as i just watched on
    Seeing my duckling turn into a swan

    My mind skips by years as i see my new face
    A wrinkly mask like dead skin and paste

    I see my wife's passing, and feel my heart break
    But I know that my spirit will soon be in time's wake

    My chest starts to pound as my memories dance
    The pain i feel numbs as i slip into trance

    As i lay here dying, reminiscence abounds
    I can now relax, for true joy i have found

    I've lived a good life and i've seen many things
    But right now the Fates pull on my soul's strings

    My family cries as i draw my last breath
    But i lay with a smile as i drift into death
    Last edited by NeoDeath90; Aug 05, 2008 at 07:09 PM.
    Why hello there!

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    Child Of God Kiani Haki22 is off to a good start Kiani Haki22's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    Omgosh neo this is got to be your best by far.....I loved it I imagined it all as I read it.....you very talented ya know keep on writing.

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    NeoDeath90 (Aug 11, 2008)

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    Laid Back Otaku Tano-kun may be famous one day Tano-kun may be famous one day Tano-kun's Avatar
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    Cool Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    Very nice rhyming couplets. It's really in-depth with different imagery before someone's last moments.

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    NeoDeath90 (Aug 11, 2008)

  6. #4
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoDeath90 View Post
    Her eighteenth year beckons a parent's worst fear
    The knowledge your child's departure is near
    Yeeeeaaaahhh... In my case my childrens departure into adulthood is
    not so much a fear... as it is a wish.


    Anyway, I agree with others who say this may very well be one of your best.
    I love what you did with this months theme. Quite a nice way to show a process of remembrance.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    NeoDeath90 (Aug 11, 2008)

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    Legendary Otaku Happy Pill Champion, Monkey Mayhem Champion NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    Quote Originally Posted by Peach_follows View Post
    Yeeeeaaaahhh... In my case my childrens departure into adulthood is
    not so much a fear... as it is a wish.


    Anyway, I agree with others who say this may very well be one of your best.
    I love what you did with this months theme. Quite a nice way to show a process of remembrance.
    coming from you that really means a lot to me. I've actually been rather envious of your talents. But ah well, i figured that the best way to deal with remembrance is when one is in their final moments.
    Why hello there!

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    Newbie Jairo may be famous one day Jairo may be famous one day Jairo's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    its pretty kool, what inspire u to write this? I wanna know its really nice, i really like it, I just started to write in english, I will try to upload some of my poems, I hope u can give me ur opinion
    Do not dwell in the past... do not wonder about the future... just life the present to the fullness...

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    NICELY DONE!!!!

    only one thing I might comment on.
    'She walked off to college as i just watched on
    Seeing my duckling turn into a swan'

    nothing wrong with what you say. but you could also try
    'Seeing my duckling turn to a swan'
    In the romantic style that you use so well, this would be totally acceptable, and *(in my opinion, not necessarily a good one)* does so much more for the life of the line.

    Still. where have you been hiding works like this? I would love to be a judge recieving a piece like this. I'm kinda anxious to read all of the other poems now to see if they compare. I hope they do, even if that'd make the judges have a hell of a hard time picking one =P

    This was an enjoyable read and truly deserving of a 10. (which if anyone remembers doesn't happen from me a lot) *twice today so far.* people on AO are becoming rather talented with the way they convey their thoughts.

    [edit]
    rhyming couplets was brilliant. Each though accompanied by the beats of a heart.
    simple yet complex.
    And yes, I already know that I think too much.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    NeoDeath90 (Aug 13, 2008)

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    Legendary Otaku Happy Pill Champion, Monkey Mayhem Champion NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90's Avatar
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    Re: A Life Fulfilled (August Entry)

    Quote Originally Posted by Corvus View Post
    NICELY DONE!!!!

    only one thing I might comment on.
    'She walked off to college as i just watched on
    Seeing my duckling turn into a swan'

    nothing wrong with what you say. but you could also try
    'Seeing my duckling turn to a swan'
    In the romantic style that you use so well, this would be totally acceptable, and *(in my opinion, not necessarily a good one)* does so much more for the life of the line.

    Still. where have you been hiding works like this? I would love to be a judge recieving a piece like this. I'm kinda anxious to read all of the other poems now to see if they compare. I hope they do, even if that'd make the judges have a hell of a hard time picking one =P

    This was an enjoyable read and truly deserving of a 10. (which if anyone remembers doesn't happen from me a lot) *twice today so far.* people on AO are becoming rather talented with the way they convey their thoughts.

    [edit]
    rhyming couplets was brilliant. Each though accompanied by the beats of a heart.
    simple yet complex.
    And yes, I already know that I think too much.
    trust me, i'm glad you think. Seeing posts like these is what keeps me writing,. and the fact that you gave me some constructive criticism helped.

    Where do i hide these? I don;t know. I just pulled this one out of my a$$ for the august poem of the month, but i already won july, so i asked for it to be moved here.
    Why hello there!

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