Omgosh neo this is got to be your best by far.....I loved it I imagined it all as I read it.....you very talented ya know keep on writing.
I sit back in my chair, my eyes, they grow dim
I start to recall my terminal hymn
They say in last moments one's life flashes by
Calming as it is, i can't help but cry
I see my first step onto the big yellow bus
Kicking and screaming and making a fuss
I recall education and the friends that i made
I learned that though distant, memories do not fade
I recall getting married to the woman I love
With voice just as soft as the coo of a dove
I see my first child, a strong willed young girl
Walking through time as her future unfurls.
Her eighteenth year beckons a parent's worst fear
The knowledge your child's departure is near
She walked off to college as i just watched on
Seeing my duckling turn into a swan
My mind skips by years as i see my new face
A wrinkly mask like dead skin and paste
I see my wife's passing, and feel my heart break
But I know that my spirit will soon be in time's wake
My chest starts to pound as my memories dance
The pain i feel numbs as i slip into trance
As i lay here dying, reminiscence abounds
I can now relax, for true joy i have found
I've lived a good life and i've seen many things
But right now the Fates pull on my soul's strings
My family cries as i draw my last breath
But i lay with a smile as i drift into death
Last edited by NeoDeath90; Aug 05, 2008 at 07:09 PM.
Why hello there!
Very nice rhyming couplets. It's really in-depth with different imagery before someone's last moments.
not so much a fear... as it is a wish.
Anyway, I agree with others who say this may very well be one of your best.
I love what you did with this months theme. Quite a nice way to show a process of remembrance.
... Not Ever Again...
its pretty kool, what inspire u to write this? I wanna know its really nice, i really like it, I just started to write in english, I will try to upload some of my poems, I hope u can give me ur opinion
Do not dwell in the past... do not wonder about the future... just life the present to the fullness...
only one thing I might comment on.
'She walked off to college as i just watched on
Seeing my duckling turn into a swan'
nothing wrong with what you say. but you could also try
'Seeing my duckling turn to a swan'
In the romantic style that you use so well, this would be totally acceptable, and *(in my opinion, not necessarily a good one)* does so much more for the life of the line.
Still. where have you been hiding works like this? I would love to be a judge recieving a piece like this. I'm kinda anxious to read all of the other poems now to see if they compare. I hope they do, even if that'd make the judges have a hell of a hard time picking one =P
This was an enjoyable read and truly deserving of a 10. (which if anyone remembers doesn't happen from me a lot) *twice today so far.* people on AO are becoming rather talented with the way they convey their thoughts.
rhyming couplets was brilliant. Each though accompanied by the beats of a heart.
simple yet complex.
And yes, I already know that I think too much.
... and join my rebellion against time.
NeoDeath90 (Aug 13, 2008)
Where do i hide these? I don;t know. I just pulled this one out of my a$$ for the august poem of the month, but i already won july, so i asked for it to be moved here.
Why hello there!