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Old Sep 26, 2007, 08:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Life love (short verse)

Till' i come down in pain that goes with vein i realease trust over you

Till' i go towards you i fall upon your glistening eyes that wonders in heaven

I go forth into calling your name and give you warmth of love that pursues me

I go forth into graving my love into your heart for caring each other for life.
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Old Sep 27, 2007, 04:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Life love (short verse)

Wow short be very meaningfull.Very good job.It really showed a lot of emotion.
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Old Sep 27, 2007, 10:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Smile Re: Life love (short verse)

wow...it's short and sweet, and i agree with the one above me....alot of emotion is shown I'd like to hear more of your poems ^^

-zainab
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Old Sep 27, 2007, 11:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Life love (short verse)

looks to me like you're trying way too hard to make it sound fancy. some of the words are jumbled and don't fit well with the rythm of the poem at all. the emotion is there, but like i said, to me it feels you're trying to impress someone instead of writing it for yourself.
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Old Sep 27, 2007, 01:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Life love (short verse)

Quote:
Originally Posted by zyta View Post
looks to me like you're trying way too hard to make it sound fancy. some of the words are jumbled and don't fit well with the rythm of the poem at all. the emotion is there, but like i said, to me it feels you're trying to impress someone instead of writing it for yourself.
in this poem i did not write it for myself i simply needed to write it out on this emotion and it all came out how i wanted but seriously i did not needed to impress somebody this poem is how fantasizing about a short life loving comotion would be so yeah sorry about that.
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Old Sep 29, 2007, 03:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Life love (short verse)

agree with others... this is short but very meaningful ^^ keep up the good work..
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