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Old May 21, 2006, 05:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Listen for her scream

A crystal tear
A scream no one will hear
Watch her fall
This is the end

Possessed with hate
Help came just a little too late
She reached for love
Against her will

The walls closed in
Wishing for ways it could've been
Her breathe passed her lips
A scream no one could hear

From the roof top she fell
She never left her shell
A lie she lived for years
Her heart died from within

Eager eyes watched in horror
Her body hit the floor
No one heard the words said
"Love me until the end"
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Old May 21, 2006, 05:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

Good poem. I stink at poems myself.( not saying that you do. you rock at making poems! )
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Old May 21, 2006, 06:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

That is a touching poem, where'd you get, did you make it? I really like it.
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Old May 21, 2006, 07:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

good poem sashycat, keep it up.
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Old May 22, 2006, 04:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

A little poem to read
But a long time to keep
Maybe I should say forever is not enough
For me to let you sleep.....

A very nice poem.....
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Old May 22, 2006, 05:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

wooooow. Answering a poem with another poem. Shweet. Anyways, good poem. No offense but to me all of the words kinda poured together. I liked it but it all sounded too much alike. Good, though.
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Old May 22, 2006, 05:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

A suicide poem......to believe tht love has died in her heart n can nvr love again. it is a sad thing to see. To die because she believes the world is nothing but a cold world. Such a sad poem yet it is one to always bear in mind.
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Old May 22, 2006, 05:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

oh tis is nc...real nc...i disagree with red_wings coz when u write a poem...u can't juz write it today then leave it for tommorow...poems r made in a moment....so yea...it really had the flow of it...i like it really much
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Old May 22, 2006, 05:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

it was a very nice poem... excellent job... I like the mystery and darkness in it... keep it up!
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Old May 22, 2006, 07:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

Critique will be given.

Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:

Quote:
A crystal tear
A scream no one will hear
Watch her fall
This is the end

Possessed with hate
Help came just a little too late
She reached for love
Against her will
You couldve done this:

Possessed with hate,
A simple tear falls.

She reached for love against her will,
But help came a little too late.


The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.
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Last edited by Kasai; May 22, 2006 at 07:04 AM.
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Old May 22, 2006, 02:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: Listen for her scream

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kasai
Critique will be given.

Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:



You couldve done this:

Possessed with hate,
A simple tear falls.

She reached for love against her will,
But help came a little too late.


The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.
MMmm...good suggestions and I see your point. Sadly enough it's how I write and I don't keep proper blah in mind while writing it.
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