Listen for her scream

*Sashacat* · May 21, 2006, 05:20 PM

A crystal tear
A scream no one will hear
Watch her fall
This is the end

Possessed with hate
Help came just a little too late
She reached for love
Against her will

The walls closed in
Wishing for ways it could've been
Her breathe passed her lips
A scream no one could hear

From the roof top she fell
She never left her shell
A lie she lived for years
Her heart died from within

Eager eyes watched in horror
Her body hit the floor
No one heard the words said
"Love me until the end"

karinka · May 21, 2006, 05:57 PM

Good poem. I stink at poems myself.( not saying that you do. you rock at making poems! )

Zeffervelli · May 21, 2006, 06:25 PM

That is a touching poem, where'd you get, did you make it? I really like it.

*ketaro* · May 21, 2006, 07:28 PM

good poem sashycat, keep it up.

SousukeSagara · May 22, 2006, 04:36 AM

A little poem to read
But a long time to keep
Maybe I should say forever is not enough
For me to let you sleep.....

A very nice poem.....

Red_Wings · May 22, 2006, 05:16 AM

wooooow. Answering a poem with another poem. Shweet. Anyways, good poem. No offense but to me all of the words kinda poured together. I liked it but it all sounded too much alike.

Good, though.

*Blade X* · May 22, 2006, 05:31 AM

A suicide poem......to believe tht love has died in her heart n can nvr love again. it is a sad thing to see. To die because she believes the world is nothing but a cold world. Such a sad poem yet it is one to always bear in mind.

elie26 · May 22, 2006, 05:40 AM

oh tis is nc...real nc...i disagree with red_wings coz when u write a poem...u can't juz write it today then leave it for tommorow...poems r made in a moment....so yea...it really had the flow of it...i like it really much

sachiko ueto · May 22, 2006, 05:57 AM

it was a very nice poem... excellent job... I like the mystery and darkness in it... keep it up!

*Kasai* · May 22, 2006, 07:00 AM

Critique will be given.

Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:

Quote:

A crystal tear
A scream no one will hear
Watch her fall
This is the end

Possessed with hate
Help came just a little too late
She reached for love
Against her will

You couldve done this:

Possessed with hate,
A simple tear falls.

She reached for love against her will,
But help came a little too late.

The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.

*Sashacat* · May 22, 2006, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kasai

Critique will be given.

Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:

You couldve done this:

Possessed with hate,
A simple tear falls.

She reached for love against her will,
But help came a little too late.

The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.

MMmm...good suggestions and I see your point. Sadly enough it's how I write and I don't keep proper blah in mind while writing it.

May 21, 2006, 05:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Sashacat The Sassy Cat Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 187 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 401	Listen for her scream A crystal tear A scream no one will hear Watch her fall This is the end Possessed with hate Help came just a little too late She reached for love Against her will The walls closed in Wishing for ways it could've been Her breathe passed her lips A scream no one could hear From the roof top she fell She never left her shell A lie she lived for years Her heart died from within Eager eyes watched in horror Her body hit the floor No one heard the words said "Love me until the end"
Status: Offline

May 21, 2006, 05:57 PM	#2 (permalink)
karinka Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Now Currently Collecting Fire Quells Posts: 289 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 358	Re: Listen for her scream Good poem. I stink at poems myself.( not saying that you do. you rock at making poems! ) __________________ Mew!!!
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May 21, 2006, 06:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
Zeffervelli An Addictive Treat ^.^ Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 525 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 791	Re: Listen for her scream That is a touching poem, where'd you get, did you make it? I really like it.
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May 21, 2006, 07:28 PM	#4 (permalink)
ketaro kitty Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 4,221 Thanks: 27 Thanked 31 Times in 29 Posts Credits: 23,200	Re: Listen for her scream good poem sashycat, keep it up.
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May 22, 2006, 04:36 AM	#5 (permalink)
SousukeSagara Mercenary Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: War zones around the globe... Posts: 528 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 901	Re: Listen for her scream A little poem to read But a long time to keep Maybe I should say forever is not enough For me to let you sleep..... A very nice poem..... __________________
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May 22, 2006, 05:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
Red_Wings Newbie Join Date: May 2006 Location: America Posts: 70 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 210	Re: Listen for her scream wooooow. Answering a poem with another poem. Shweet. Anyways, good poem. No offense but to me all of the words kinda poured together. I liked it but it all sounded too much alike. Good, though. __________________ Come play with me...
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May 22, 2006, 05:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
Blade X AO's Demon Slayer Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Protecting my loved one. Posts: 1,606 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,446	Re: Listen for her scream A suicide poem......to believe tht love has died in her heart n can nvr love again. it is a sad thing to see. To die because she believes the world is nothing but a cold world. Such a sad poem yet it is one to always bear in mind. __________________ Thanks for the siggy Ky-lyrra
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May 22, 2006, 05:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
elie26 Elie Jelly Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Hell is an understatement Posts: 608 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Credits: 2,051	Re: Listen for her scream oh tis is nc...real nc...i disagree with red_wings coz when u write a poem...u can't juz write it today then leave it for tommorow...poems r made in a moment....so yea...it really had the flow of it...i like it really much __________________
Status: Offline

May 22, 2006, 05:57 AM	#9 (permalink)
sachiko ueto Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: himitsu..... Posts: 168 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 258	Re: Listen for her scream it was a very nice poem... excellent job... I like the mystery and darkness in it... keep it up! __________________ They say you can't use oversized signatures here on AO.
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