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Thread: Listen for her scream

  1. #9
    Otaku sachiko ueto may be famous one day sachiko ueto may be famous one day sachiko ueto's Avatar
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    Re: Listen for her scream

    it was a very nice poem... excellent job... I like the mystery and darkness in it... keep it up!

    They say you can't use oversized signatures here on AO.

  2. #10
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Listen for her scream

    Critique will be given.

    Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

    You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:

    A crystal tear
    A scream no one will hear
    Watch her fall
    This is the end

    Possessed with hate
    Help came just a little too late
    She reached for love
    Against her will
    You couldve done this:

    Possessed with hate,
    A simple tear falls.

    She reached for love against her will,
    But help came a little too late.


    The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.
    Last edited by Kasai; May 22, 2006 at 07:04 AM.
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  3. #11
    Otaku Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat may be famous one day Sashacat's Avatar
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    Re: Listen for her scream

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai
    Critique will be given.

    Poems do not need to rhyme. With a little more editting this good be fairly good poem. Try to switch up the breaks in the poem. It seems everyone is using the same bloody format.

    You also have two actions happening in one staza. Slightly anoying, in fact, really annoying. Instead of this:



    You couldve done this:

    Possessed with hate,
    A simple tear falls.

    She reached for love against her will,
    But help came a little too late.


    The other verses of your stanzas are extraneous.
    MMmm...good suggestions and I see your point. Sadly enough it's how I write and I don't keep proper blah in mind while writing it.

  4. #12
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Listen for her scream

    Understandable. That's why you lay down the poem for later editting. that way you get the best possible outcome. -shrugs- Just saying that your make no sense, even if you're trying to sound poetic.
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