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Thread: Look! A poem!

  1. #1
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Look! A poem!

    I have got a purpose.
    But can't seem to find the time.

    I really have no reason...
    ...But somehow, I've got the rhyme.

    I am lacking structure.
    But, I've got damn good design.

    Infact I lack alot of things.
    And thats how I'm defined.

    Maybe someday we'll REALLY speak.
    You'll say whats on your mind.

    But, right now... I'm a soul so lost.
    That no one cares to find.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    !flaminghate (Jan 10, 2008)

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    Banned ABC Crazy Champion flaminghate may be famous one day flaminghate may be famous one day
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    Re: Look! A poem!

    hmm...
    I like this poem, Peach_follows
    I love this part
    "But, right now... I'm a soul so lost.
    That no one cares to find"
    I know I don't comment mch
    so you should be honored!

    lol jk love the poem,
    I enjoyed it very much ^-^

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    Peach_follows (Jan 14, 2008)

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    Re: Look! A poem!

    Over all the structure of your poem is awesome. I like the usage of end rhyme through out your poem. I also like the emotion put behind this as you wrote. Hidden message but simply written. I can honestly apply this to myself as a writer and I must say you poems have a way of inspiring me to bring my best to this forum. Peach it is truly a privilege to read your work and thank you for sharing with all of us here in the forum. Over all my favorite line or stanza of this poem is:

    "I am lacking structure.
    But, I've got damn good design."

    my opinion flawlessly written so to you bravo and you get a standing O!

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    Peach_follows (Jan 14, 2008)

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    Re: Look! A poem!

    i like this poem Peach_follows its very good with the rhyming and everything all good hope to hear more from you.

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    Peach_follows (Jan 14, 2008)

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    Re: Look! A poem!

    Oh wow.. its simple... yet it can mean many things.. o.O nicely done there... like Blue said... nice structure... they are made and the rhymes were smooth... very well done there peachy... keep it up~!

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    Re: Look! A poem!

    there are some things tha i find problematic, but they are so minute that only after trying to find some, i found them - and even then it took some time.

    The first is a slight grammar thing with a missing coma here -> Infact, I lack alot of things.

    Next thing I noticed was the "we'll". That single word kills the fluidity of that line. After reading through a couple times i found that "we will" keeps the fluidity moving much better since we'll causes too much friction between the e and two l's.

    Other then those, good poem. A- grade from me.

    Visit my blog: Rewriting Life

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    Peach_follows (Jan 14, 2008)

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    Re: Look! A poem!

    Quote Originally Posted by flaminghate View Post
    hmm...
    I like this poem, Peach_follows
    I love this part
    "But, right now... I'm a soul so lost.
    That no one cares to find"
    I know I don't comment mch
    so you should be honored!

    lol jk love the poem,
    I enjoyed it very much ^-^
    Actually I noticed you are a "poetic shadow", who doesn't comment much. So, I truely DO feel honored! ^^

    Thanks flaminghate!
    Quote Originally Posted by zyta View Post
    there are some things tha i find problematic, but they are so minute that only after trying to find some, i found them - and even then it took some time.

    The first is a slight grammar thing with a missing coma here -> Infact, I lack alot of things.

    Next thing I noticed was the "we'll". That single word kills the fluidity of that line. After reading through a couple times i found that "we will" keeps the fluidity moving much better since we'll causes too much friction between the e and two l's.

    Other then those, good poem. A- grade from me.
    Thank you! it is so nice when someone actually takes the time to make constuctive critical comments. These are the comments I appreciate most of all. As they are what truely help one improve their writing. Thanks again.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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