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Thread: The Memory Forgotten

  1. #1
    super effective Last Man Standing Champion FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd's Avatar
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    oh canada
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    The Memory Forgotten

    A ruptured heaven only fit for those clad in blood
    Oil stained tears meant to fall from dead eyes
    The seal and burden draped over indifferent hearts
    Cast out cold glances jousting the pure soul

    She's stuck somewhere replaying the same memory over again
    Revisiting continually the silent horror
    Dousing the guilt ridden soul in pity and hate
    Growing away from putrid flesh, discovering mind

    The forever-locked cathedral doors violently break apart
    Crudely smashing the remnants of stained humanity that remain
    All that can be seen is horror and deception
    Loathing seizes the physical form completely

    The one translucent memory still plays back stuck on repeat
    An opaque meaning is found but never understood
    Crooked cracks outline the flawed memories edges
    Deceiving the boundaries of pretend and known

    Film rolls back and the picture fades burnt gray
    She finally has the power to leave hollowed hallow earth
    The retention distilled into artificially downtrodden psyche
    The reminiscence coming to life, creating false will

    No longer breathing, her soul lay in the empty shell
    A slow, seeping hate fronting icy eyes
    Her frail grasp of the foreign word humanity weakening
    Hellish deeds witnessed only by cold moon rays

    The sad breaking of a vital young girl
    Building a delusional world to hide the grief
    The deep nothingness of mind being her secret paradise
    A wilting heart seconds away from immortal death

    One memory continues to exist even after death
    Sweet lips collide for the last kiss ten billion times over
    Abruptly a candle flame is taken from its pedestal
    Suffocated screams wail silently in her mind

    And it all happens over again played back by force
    Dying serenades pounding subconscious overtures
    A quiet pact forged in forgotten blood made with God
    Just to kill the invisible pain plaguing her malfunctioning heart

    The first line of this poem hit me while I was reading a book, a very odd book, after that I just kind of thought and thought about what I wanted to convey, here's what my mind fed me.

    At first I tried to not tell a story, I wanted only to form something that talked, in a way. As I wrote though, a story did start to come together and I'm rather happy with what it says.

    Throughout the poem I tried forming my lines so they had no real connection with what was said in the line above with the exception of the last two lines, I used those to conclude it, sort of. I couldn't think of a good way to end such a poem, I kind of wanted to keep writing, to give a distinct picture of my character, the nameless girl.

    I am very happy with this work, I don't think I want to revise this, it's just to good in my eyes, others may say against that though. If you do see flaws tell me how to fix them, please.
    the love you withhold is the pain you carry.

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: The Memory Forgotten

    You have a way with words. ^-^ I am really proud and glad that you are apart of my clan. Please, add this to the Library.

    I'm running out of time, but I can give a correct comment. So, post it in the Library and I promise to comment.

    As for now? your structure in the stanzas is very appealing.
    Seduced by Flesh

  3. #3
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility
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    Re: The Memory Forgotten

    I love the way you write poetry! Simply magnificent! Wow each line presents such a strong image and each word makes it come to life! I honestly wish that I could write like you, but you did a truly outstanding job on your work. I honestly don't see any mistakes other than punctuation, but please continue the great work!

  4. #4
    Newbie man of lost soul may be famous one day man of lost soul may be famous one day man of lost soul's Avatar
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    Re: The Memory Forgotten

    two words "freaking great".better then i ever could
    do in my life time.

  5. #5
    Newbie harjher may be famous one day harjher may be famous one day harjher's Avatar
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    Re: The Memory Forgotten

    while reading ur poem, i dunno but i just felt it was written with a soul... ( : it's great

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