Midnight Lover

Midnight Lover

Looking at the stars
I see two shining a little brighter
As the warm summer wind
Caresses my face a little more

The stars become his eyes
Those beautiful dark brown eyes
They draw me in, memorizing me
As everything else seems to vanish

The wind becomes his hand
As his body takes form
It caresses my cheek gently
Before his arms surround me

I feel his breath on my neck
Making my knees go weak
With his tongue he slowly licks
Making my breath hitch

There in the night
He touches me with delight
Making sensations flow through me
Ones I’ve never felt until that night

Laying in each others arms
Happy and reminiscent
The wind begins to die down
And the Midnight Lover slowly fades away

Hey there :)

Very nice poem. I feel it can be worked upon. The narration and choppiness of the poem can be improved. Also, the fact that you use "you" in the second stanza.. it just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. Here, let me show you:

Quote:

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The stars become his eyes
Those beautiful dark brown eyes
They draw you in, memorize you
As everything else seems to vanish

---

The entire poem is just about you and your lover, who isn't really there.. Or is he? :)
Anyway, That line. It corrupts the poem. The word, "you" murders the intimacy of the two characters involved, because you're letting the reader invision themself. That would be nice - if that is the effect you were looking for, but seeing as how the rest of the poem is written between "you" and "him", bringing in a third party view will ruin the moment. The urgency of it all.

The ending can be worked upon as well. I felt it was rushed, and not thought through.

It was a good poem, BrokenLover, with just a few bumps that can be overcome. =)

*Also, I don't think you meant to say memorize in that highlighted line. I think the word you were going for was mesmerize ;):

wow that poem was really good i felt the emotions and everything very good job hope to see more from u keep up the good work