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Thread: Midnight Lover

  1. #1
    Otaku BrokenLover101 is off to a good start BrokenLover101's Avatar
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    Midnight Lover

    Midnight Lover

    Looking at the stars
    I see two shining a little brighter
    As the warm summer wind
    Caresses my face a little more

    The stars become his eyes
    Those beautiful dark brown eyes
    They draw me in, memorizing me
    As everything else seems to vanish

    The wind becomes his hand
    As his body takes form
    It caresses my cheek gently
    Before his arms surround me

    I feel his breath on my neck
    Making my knees go weak
    With his tongue he slowly licks
    Making my breath hitch

    There in the night
    He touches me with delight
    Making sensations flow through me
    Ones I’ve never felt until that night

    Laying in each others arms
    Happy and reminiscent
    The wind begins to die down
    And the Midnight Lover slowly fades away
    Last edited by BrokenLover101; Nov 24, 2007 at 01:16 AM.
    X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X

    X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X

  2. #2
    Banned The White Wolf is off to a good start
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    Re: Midnight Lover

    Hey there

    Very nice poem. I feel it can be worked upon. The narration and choppiness of the poem can be improved. Also, the fact that you use "you" in the second stanza.. it just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. Here, let me show you:

    The stars become his eyes
    Those beautiful dark brown eyes

    They draw you in, memorize you
    As everything else seems to vanish
    The entire poem is just about you and your lover, who isn't really there.. Or is he?
    Anyway, That line. It corrupts the poem. The word, "you" murders the intimacy of the two characters involved, because you're letting the reader invision themself. That would be nice - if that is the effect you were looking for, but seeing as how the rest of the poem is written between "you" and "him", bringing in a third party view will ruin the moment. The urgency of it all.

    The ending can be worked upon as well. I felt it was rushed, and not thought through.

    It was a good poem, BrokenLover, with just a few bumps that can be overcome. =)

    *Also, I don't think you meant to say memorize in that highlighted line. I think the word you were going for was mesmerize

  3. #3
    Banned mveli2 is off to a good start
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    Re: Midnight Lover

    wow that poem was really good i felt the emotions and everything very good job hope to see more from u keep up the good work

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