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Thread: Midnight Sun

  1. #1
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Midnight Sun

    I wrote this poem for someone very special in my life right now! I hope you all enjoy and critique my poem.



    Poets often speak words flowing wildly as rapids
    Bending words willingly within there hearts mind
    Yet often shying away from drawn out love poems
    Speaking only the harsh realities of everyday life

    Love in full bloom is one of the most beautiful things
    A possession unadulterated by corruption, money or power
    Dictating our moods as freely as our own minds
    New emotions, thoughts and feelings start to emerge

    Trying each and everyday to perfect our own hearts
    Never once does it boast, envy or brag tarnishing the name
    Desired by many and achieved by few is the way it's perceived
    Truly presenting an opportunity for one to open up and speak

    Chains of anger and wrath are often broken with this feeling
    Aches and pains vanish as it is administered to our bodies
    Allowing two friend, two hearts to become one
    Treasuring love as the greatest gift ever beheld

    (I know that you are not a member of this site, but I love you my midnight sun!)
    Last edited by BlueFox1; Jan 14, 2008 at 04:01 PM.

  2. #2
    Otaku Cruisin with crush Champion, Animal Rescue Champion abby724 is off to a good start abby724's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    Woah. That's the most beautiful, expressive, and cliché-free love poem I've ever read. It could be that perhaps all the love poems I've been reading are crap, but I'd rather go with the "BlueFox1 is a great poet" idea.

    I agree with your analysis of, popular, mainstream? I'm bad at finding the right words... poetry in your first stanza. Poetry (and I mean the good poems) has started to develop into a really melancholic and sobering form of expression.

    I love the flow and atmosphere, and tone in this poem. Right away, the reader can tell you're experiencing some pretty lofty and enlightening feelings, and it's nice to see those thoughts and feelings expressed so clearly in this poem.

    The only thing that I don't like about this poem are all the typos and grammar issues, but the pros definitely outweigh the cons. Oh, and I suggest changing "corrupt money or power" to "corruption, money, or power". "Corrupt money" didn't work out in my mind too well, and three is the magic number for writing, isn't it?
    GALERIE : Limited Internet access for certain reasons...

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    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    Thank you for the critique abby724 and also the wonderful comment! My emotions are in this poem because I wrote it for someone I care deeply about! As for the mistakes corruption does sound better and I will go and make the necessary changes to that particular line of my poem! As for drawn out love poems it truly is not my style I try my best to put the reader into my mind and get them to understand and feel what I do as I'm writing and also I want to thank you for the critiquing this poem the way you did!

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    I love this too... Poetry here on AO is untouchable today...
    In particular I enjoyed the lack of punctuation which speaks for itself in saying that this is fluid thought pure expression and emotion. Abby corruption does work so much better (not to say that corrupt money didn't speak for itself but corruption is another power and force which love can defy.)

    Not to mention your idea of love is pure untarnished by all of these modern and diminished descriptions for such a beautiful emotion and progressive chain of thought. It is truly good to see that in some places the pure form of love still exists.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    Thank you for you critque Corvus. My poem is pure thought and emotion, simply because it is written for someone that I like to refer too as my Midnight Sun! As for the punctuation, it does speak for itself because it is seriously lacking however, I will take that and apply it to my writing seeing that in the future it may come back to haunt me in my future endeavors to consider myself a writer/spoken word poet. But as you are writing a poem you really don't think about punctuation, simply because you are trying to stay inspired and get your thoughts onto paper, but it's still not excuse for going back and proof reading you work after it is complete hence forth a very vaild point. I appreciate you taking the time to critique my poem as well as the awesome comment, and I know at times it may sound like I'm being completely harsh but, truth be told I'm a true fan of anyone who can write a poem and have there thoughts as well as there meaning jump out and capture me with shear curiousity and compell me to read. The title of this poem was simply hard enough to come up with, but due to it being for the special person in my life I labeled it appropriate to name it after her.

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    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    i was not criticizing the lack of punctuation... I believe that in poetry punctuation should be used as a guideline to the reader to help them understand where your thoughts pause and how sharp that pause is... so I wasn't saying in any way that the punctuation was bad... merely saying that the lack of punctuation makes the thought itself flow smoother and is refreshing.
    The title is great! There is so much that is implied by the term midnight sun... It's amazing and if anyone comes off as harsh it'd be me in defense of my last piece. I think I scared people from leaving any further critiques on my new one...
    Like I said this is a great poem and I don't in any way believe that it has a need to be changed I was merely stating that I enjoyed the lack of punctuation because it goes against the normal way of things and it fits. (although this doesn't mean that if you were to find places to insert pauses and breaks in your next pieces I would not be entirely disappointed)

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  8. #7
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    Quote Originally Posted by Corvus View Post
    i was not criticizing the lack of punctuation... I believe that in poetry punctuation should be used as a guideline to the reader to help them understand where your thoughts pause and how sharp that pause is... so I wasn't saying in any way that the punctuation was bad... merely saying that the lack of punctuation makes the thought itself flow smoother and is refreshing.
    The title is great! There is so much that is implied by the term midnight sun... It's amazing and if anyone comes off as harsh it'd be me in defense of my last piece. I think I scared people from leaving any further critiques on my new one...
    Like I said this is a great poem and I don't in any way believe that it has a need to be changed I was merely stating that I enjoyed the lack of punctuation because it goes against the normal way of things and it fits. (although this doesn't mean that if you were to find places to insert pauses and breaks in your next pieces I would not be entirely disappointed)
    I honestly don't take it as you coming off harsh, but giving a great insightful critique to better me in my future writings. As for the title Midnight Sun, I refer it to the person that in my Darkest hour can make me smile and this poem written in my ideal image of true love is a tribute to her! I could only let my emotions and mind race to let the creative process begin! As for your poem you didn't scare anyone off you simply just need to convey your message on a level that other people here in the forum can understand. Remember this tip: Not everyone understands where your mind goes or how you think so in turn think like the reader, it gives them a chance to listen to the words as they begin to read and comprehend what is being said! (If you need anymore advice or just want to chat hit me up through private messaging!)

  9. #8
    Otaku ILikeApples5520 is off to a good start ILikeApples5520's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight Sun

    I definitely agree with Corvus.

    This poem is like you thinking out loud, and just expressing your thought and emotion without any holding back.

    Definitely hope to see more from you!


    Thanks to _gwenibe_ for this awesome sig!

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