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Old Jul 07, 2006, 09:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Missing You

You left, walked out of that door,
Only seconds ago I was kissing you,
Feeling your warm body against mine,
Feeling your soft lips and your smooth skin,
The memory of your eyes stay with me,
The way you looked at me with such love,
The love that I feel and know.

I love the way you walk,
Your hair flying in the back like wings,
Your hips swung from side to side,
I miss how you smell,
I miss we cuddle in each other's arms,
I always cherish the time we have together.


You say a week but it feels like an eternity,
Minutes seem like hours,
Hours seem like days,
Time is cruel to me,
But I know that I'll see you again,
Your face, your touch, the warmth of your body,
The words I say when you return are of Love.
"I love you" as we embrace each other.

well this a poem coz my gf aint around n i miss her...T.T.... plz comment
P.S thanks to Kat for helping me to get a few words right.
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Last edited by Blade X; Jul 07, 2006 at 09:18 AM.
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 09:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

... poor blade-san.. missing .. his love ...
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 09:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

I think it's impressive with the work from two person^^
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 09:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

I think it was a good poem. I enjoyed reading it and I think it conveys a strong sense of longing!

Just like poetry in school, yes
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 10:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

its a good poem ^ ^ keep it up
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 12:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

it seems we are feeling the same way.
great poem.
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 01:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

It was wonderful. Keep up the great work.
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 03:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

Wow This Is a fantastic Poem Great Jod Seriouly!!!!!!!
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 04:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

Aww shoot man I know how you feel. My girl is leaving soon and I won't see her 'till next summer. Very detailed, very desriptive, very beautiful. Captures all of those things you love about a girl. A few small grammatical errors that I'll point out.

Quote:
You left, walked out of that door,
I'd take out the left in the sentence, and put a period at the end. I dunno' if it's grammatically correct or not but it doesn't seem to fit.

Quote:
Your hips swung from side to side,
Should be swinging because the rest of the stanza is in present tense, while swung is past tense.

Quote:
I miss we cuddle in each other's arms,
add a "how" between miss and we.

Quote:
Hours seem like days,
I'd end that with a period but I don't think you have to.

Quote:
But I know that I'll see you again,
End that with a period.

Quote:
The words I say when you return are of Love.
I think it'd be better ended with a semicolon but I'm not positive, up to you I guess.

As I said, very very good, one of the first works to impress me here. I really feel you on that. Hope to see more works from you soon.
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 04:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Warrior
Aww shoot man I know how you feel. My girl is leaving soon and I won't see her 'till next summer. Very detailed, very desriptive, very beautiful. Captures all of those things you love about a girl. A few small grammatical errors that I'll point out.


I'd take out the left in the sentence, and put a period at the end. I dunno' if it's grammatically correct or not but it doesn't seem to fit.


Should be swinging because the rest of the stanza is in present tense, while swung is past tense.


add a "how" between miss and we.


I'd end that with a period but I don't think you have to.


End that with a period.


I think it'd be better ended with a semicolon but I'm not positive, up to you I guess.

As I said, very very good, one of the first works to impress me here. I really feel you on that. Hope to see more works from you soon.
Those grammatical corrections are all accurate ^_^ But IMO poems have to be more loose...... no grammatical constraints are needed. As long as a the meaning is expressed, I wouldnt really be bothered by grammar.

And it's a great poem Blade ^_^ No doubt about it. I hope you see her again soon
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Old Jul 07, 2006, 06:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: Missing You

I swear you people can be so foolishly ignorant sometimes. There's a reason I'm here bass, so you all don't have worry about it. So get over the fact that I correct people's work. People do the same to mine, and I thank them for the effort, not complain about it. Grammatical "constraints" as you call them apply to any form of writing, whether it's an essay or a poem. So everyone quit giving me this "grammar doesn't matter" because it does. It was a beautiful poem and I simply pointed out the human flaws, so everyone stay the hell off my back about actually giving some kind of helpful input. Like I said, it's a great poem, and like I said, it's the first time I've been really impressed with anything I've read here.
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