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Nov 09, 2007, 06:13 AM
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| Fennes-One who prays  Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: o.O should i tell you.....nope i won't!!! XD
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 Credits: 15,096 | The moment.... The moment i touch you i feel safe. The moment i touch you i don't fear anything. The moment i touch you i'm not afraid of death. The moment i touch you i say i love you. The moment i touch you you say i want to be with you. The moment i touch you you kiss me. The moment you kiss me i kiss back. The moment you kiss me is forever. The moment you kiss me is eterity. The moment you kiss me is everlasting. The moment with you is a moment i always want. Heh this is my first poem. i hope you like....
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Nov 09, 2007, 06:18 AM
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 Newbie  Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: on the earth, in a town on a corner street.
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Credits: 982 | Re: The moment.... it's very beautiful. the feeling you get from the peom is like a still moment in time when you cant even determine what life is for but only for that moment... where everything dissapears and turns away just to alow you to be with that who you love... very beautiful... |
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Nov 09, 2007, 06:19 AM
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| Fennes-One who prays Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: o.O should i tell you.....nope i won't!!! XD
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Credits: 15,096 | Re: The moment.... thanks its was my first and it was kinda sudden so i didn't know if any one would like it...
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Nov 09, 2007, 06:19 AM
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  1 )3^^( )N  Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better...
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Credits: 59,118 | Re: The moment.... aww...it's such a sweet poem there renny  nicely done ^^ i like it...A suggestion though.. on your next poem...dont repeat the same words too much...  though this poem bolds how much the persona loves the moment...with the other person...it was nice.. and try to play with word some more.. do some experiments..you will find doing so is fun ^^Keep it up.. i'll be reading more of yours... and i try to help in anyway i can... |
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Nov 09, 2007, 11:42 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Fennes-One who prays Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: o.O should i tell you.....nope i won't!!! XD
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Credits: 15,096 | Re: The moment.... lol thanks but it might be harder cause this was like....*BOOM* and *Crash* and i had it but i love to read poems!!!but yeah i'll try to write more!!!
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Nov 09, 2007, 12:53 PM
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 Diamond in the Rough  Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Nibelheim
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Credits: 2,687 | Re: The moment.... That was a sweet poem you've written. =D It was simple yet interesting. Keep up the good work and I'll be looking forward to see more of your poems. xD |
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Nov 10, 2007, 03:13 PM
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| Newbie  Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Michigan USA
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Credits: 1,265 | Re: The moment.... heya renn, ur poem was awesome, i really loved it. you could use some more deeper words, and try not to start every line with the exact same thing, but other than that its good
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Nov 10, 2007, 04:02 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Fennes-One who prays Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: o.O should i tell you.....nope i won't!!! XD
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Credits: 15,096 | Re: The moment.... lol thanks!! but hey why is every one coplaining about me using the same word..... idk it just happen that way can you blame me????>.<
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Nov 11, 2007, 03:09 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Fennes-One who prays Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: o.O should i tell you.....nope i won't!!! XD
Posts: 530
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Credits: 15,096 | Re: The moment.... oh its not about me at all.....i don't know why i wrote it.....but really its not about me.....
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Nov 13, 2007, 01:20 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Angelic  Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Demon's Arms
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Credits: 49,192 | Re: The moment.... Well Renn ^^ I' m really happy to see a poem by you. I realy gasped when I saw that you have writen a poem. But I must say this is really too simple ^^ you can do better I agree with ray- there is just too much repetition... it has a reason of course- you have so much to say to this person, but... I wouldn't repeat the "the moment I touch you" that much. You could either use other sentences like start with "the moment I see you...", "the moment you smile...", "the moment you speak..." You know... build it up untill you come to "the moment you kiss me..." it would create some tension too....  anyways... this is very good for a first poem, lol ^^ I must find my first poem up here, it must have been terrible... And I hope damn much to see more from you!!!!! ^^ Cheers Renn!!!! |
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