Must read! needed title

starfire1036 · Jun 15, 2008, 03:04 AM

He stands there,
yet he does not move.
He sings to her.
With his words he soothes.

A slight smile
written across her face.
Dreaming for a while.
In this moment she feels safe.

He walks toward,
toward her.
Caressing her with every word,
for he is the one she is sure.

His hand upon her cheek.
The warmth travels.
Deep in her eyes his begin to seek.
Smiling as her mind scrambles.

I love you darling,
he says aloud.
I love you too, my prince charming,
said by her so proud.

For a young poor boy he is,
and a pincess before him sits.
She smiles,
as both their hearts shift.

Adriana · Jun 15, 2008, 09:33 AM

WOW this is soooooooo romantic and well written too you can clearly picture it in your mind and feel the warmth of their love!a very well done and keep it up!

basilisk888 · Jun 15, 2008, 12:09 PM

do I have to always crit. on format? oh well... it might be what you were planing or the type of format that you want to use but it just looks off.... its a nice poem with a nice topic but to have a great show of your work you not only have to write it nicely but present it nicely... but overall it is good...

Haruko Haruhara · Jun 15, 2008, 01:52 PM

So romantic and beautiful, not my kind of poem, but it is pretty.

starfire1036 · Jun 16, 2008, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basilisk888

do I have to always crit. on format? oh well... it might be what you were planing or the type of format that you want to use but it just looks off.... its a nice poem with a nice topic but to have a great show of your work you not only have to write it nicely but present it nicely... but overall it is good...

i personaly dont see anything wrong with kissy kissy romancey poems

basilisk888 · Jun 16, 2008, 10:23 AM

well for one thing you line in 4 words and you put a "." .... thats just a little wierd would not a , be better?

starfire1036 · Jun 16, 2008, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basilisk888

well for one thing you line in 4 words and you put a "." .... thats just a little wierd would not a , be better?

i write as if they are sentences but moved down a line ill show you

He stands there, yet he does not move.
He sings to her.
With his words he soothes.
A slight smile written across her face.
Dreaming for a while.
In this moment she feels safe.
He walks toward, toward her.
Caressing her with every word for, he is the one she is sure.
His hand upon her cheek.
The warmth travels.
Deep in her eyes his begin to seek.
Smiling as her mind scrambles.
I love you darling, he says aloud.
I love you too, my prince charming, said by her so proud.
For a young poor boy he is, and a pincess before him sits.
She smiles, as both their hearts shift.

dark1angel · Jun 16, 2008, 02:59 PM

Well in my point of view this poem really out of my league and i can tell that it may just be a perfect gift for a loved one, though i do not personally think that it would matter how messy it would appear right now. Poems that are written from the thoughts that were gather around and eventually will give more neatness into what it turns out. The title that is needed in the romantic poem is "Happy Wish".

basilisk888 · Jun 16, 2008, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starfire1036

i write as if they are sentences but moved down a line ill show you

He stands there, yet he does not move.
He sings to her.
With his words he soothes.
A slight smile written across her face.
Dreaming for a while.
In this moment she feels safe.
He walks toward, toward her.
Caressing her with every word for, he is the one she is sure.
His hand upon her cheek.
The warmth travels.
Deep in her eyes his begin to seek.
Smiling as her mind scrambles.
I love you darling, he says aloud.
I love you too, my prince charming, said by her so proud.
For a young poor boy he is, and a pincess before him sits.
She smiles, as both their hearts shift.

>.< jeez... people just do not understand me... oh well I ment something like this:

Quote:

He stands there, yet he does not move,
He sings to her,
With his words he soothes,
A slight smile written across her face,
Dreaming for a while,
In this moment she feels safe,
He walks toward, toward her,
Caressing her with every word for, he is the one she is sure,
His hand upon her cheek,
The warmth travels,
Deep in her eyes his begin to seek,
Smiling as her mind scrambles,
I love you darling, he says aloud,
I love you too, my prince charming, said by her so proud,
For a young poor boy he is, and a pincess before him sits,
She smiles, as both their hearts shift.

>.< thats just what I always see them as.... but nvm that.... sry everyone...

Corvus · Jun 17, 2008, 09:32 AM

I like it overall. A few things that could be tweaked but they don't need to be.

Blissfully in motion My sad attempt at a title
I got nothing.

Haruko Haruhara · Jun 18, 2008, 01:48 PM

I have a name, the feelings and powers of love. That is so stupid sounding to me.
But ignore the stupid part and eventually you or someone else will come up with a
title.

Jun 15, 2008, 03:04 AM	#1 (permalink)
starfire1036 Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 195 Thanks: 43 Thanked 15 Times in 14 Posts Credits: 8,417	Must read! needed title He stands there, yet he does not move. He sings to her. With his words he soothes. A slight smile written across her face. Dreaming for a while. In this moment she feels safe. He walks toward, toward her. Caressing her with every word, for he is the one she is sure. His hand upon her cheek. The warmth travels. Deep in her eyes his begin to seek. Smiling as her mind scrambles. I love you darling, he says aloud. I love you too, my prince charming, said by her so proud. For a young poor boy he is, and a pincess before him sits. She smiles, as both their hearts shift.
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Jun 15, 2008, 09:33 AM	#2 (permalink)
Adriana Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: somewhere nice with the people i love! Posts: 119 Thanks: 1 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Credits: 1,725	Re: Must read! needed title WOW this is soooooooo romantic and well written too you can clearly picture it in your mind and feel the warmth of their love!a very well done and keep it up! __________________ Visit my and jessie's story on this link!!hope you like it all http://www.animeonline.net/f101/gate...er-life-31158/
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Jun 15, 2008, 12:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
basilisk888 Devoted Otaku Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: death and life again Posts: 500 Thanks: 7 Thanked 14 Times in 13 Posts Credits: 14,011	Re: Must read! needed title do I have to always crit. on format? oh well... it might be what you were planing or the type of format that you want to use but it just looks off.... its a nice poem with a nice topic but to have a great show of your work you not only have to write it nicely but present it nicely... but overall it is good... __________________ fire is good to have in hand 0.0 Last edited by basilisk888; Jun 16, 2008 at 10:22 AM.
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Jun 15, 2008, 01:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
Haruko Haruhara Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Hattiesburg, MS Posts: 241 Thanks: 28 Thanked 17 Times in 16 Posts Credits: 7,809	Re: Must read! needed title So romantic and beautiful, not my kind of poem, but it is pretty.
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Jun 16, 2008, 10:23 AM	#6 (permalink)
basilisk888 Devoted Otaku Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: death and life again Posts: 500 Thanks: 7 Thanked 14 Times in 13 Posts Credits: 14,011	Re: Must read! needed title well for one thing you line in 4 words and you put a "." .... thats just a little wierd would not a , be better? __________________ fire is good to have in hand 0.0
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Jun 16, 2008, 02:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
dark1angel Tournaments Won: 1 Hybrid Humanoid Forever Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In a Purified Realm Of Lightness Posts: 560 Thanks: 71 Thanked 21 Times in 21 Posts Credits: 20,887	Re: Must read! needed title Well in my point of view this poem really out of my league and i can tell that it may just be a perfect gift for a loved one, though i do not personally think that it would matter how messy it would appear right now. Poems that are written from the thoughts that were gather around and eventually will give more neatness into what it turns out. The title that is needed in the romantic poem is "Happy Wish". __________________ Traveling so far can mean anything but in the real world your life can expand to your dreams. \|アスタロス\|
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Jun 17, 2008, 09:32 AM	#10 (permalink)
Corvus Otaku Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 301 Thanks: 11 Thanked 28 Times in 27 Posts Credits: 15,158	Re: Must read! needed title I like it overall. A few things that could be tweaked but they don't need to be. Blissfully in motion My sad attempt at a title I got nothing. __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time. http://www.animefever.org/ref/ref.ph...animefever.org
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Jun 18, 2008, 01:48 PM	#11 (permalink)
Haruko Haruhara Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Hattiesburg, MS Posts: 241 Thanks: 28 Thanked 17 Times in 16 Posts Credits: 7,809	Re: Must read! needed title I have a name, the feelings and powers of love. That is so stupid sounding to me. But ignore the stupid part and eventually you or someone else will come up with a title.
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