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Thread: My Becoming Alive

  1. #1
    Newbie Naomi Vaine is off to a good start Naomi Vaine's Avatar
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    My Becoming Alive

    My heartstrings have tangled and knotted,
    wrapping my heart in layers which have hardened.
    Life has handed me a difficult hand,
    but still I hold tightly.

    Though inner demons are screaming demands,
    I carry on, pressing forward on this beaten path,
    through the darkness and flames of my past.

    Remembering all of their screaming fights,
    and every touch he made out of spite.
    I was young and vulnerable and knew too well,
    the world I lived in was now my hell.

    I’m standing on the edge of this chasm,
    holding tightly to the railing of the bridge,
    connecting to a world where pain will be gone in seconds.

    I tremble, trying to picture a place
    where clean hands will wash the blood from my face.

    There’s a man coming my way,
    gliding across the bridge that may become my fate.
    He stands before me and takes my hand,
    leading me on with loving demand.

    Crossing the chasm, now in a clearing,
    He untangles my heartstrings,
    and gives my numb body feeling.


    okay. here is one I wrote today. like that last one, please leave your HONEST comments.
    I think I've known you all along.
    I just lost your face in the crowed for a while.
    I think I've been holding my breath all my life, until you found me here tonight.
    So ask me now and I'll run away with you.

  2. #2
    Otaku crimson is off to a good start crimson's Avatar
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    Re: My Becomming Alive

    WOW!!! you like writing poems a lot don't you?

    i sure hope this doesn't represent the way you really feel deep inside... and i sure hope this absolutely is not how your real life is. 'coz the picture you're creating in my head and heart aren't that pleasant... in the awry case that it is, then i wish all the best for you. just like how the poem ended.

    the message of your peom though clearly abstract becomes concrete with the help of your imagery. it paints a clear picture of where the "i" is both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    i love the way that the poem sews itself together into a dramatic finish which not necessarily means that it is a means of escape, but rather a means of coping.

    overall, it is great. to make it better i would like to suggest less use of hifalutin words and less abstractions as to lessen the need of concretizing such things.

    i see great potential in you... and i wish to hear more from you... i find it satisfying to be able to read your poems... keep it up. ^^,
    i'll choose to love whoever i wish to love and nobody can stop me from doing so ----

    crimson
    edited from SamBakZa.net

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    Naomi Vaine (Jan 16, 2009)

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    Fallen Angel of Darkness mangalovertje may be famous one day mangalovertje may be famous one day mangalovertje's Avatar
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    Re: My Becomming Alive

    I love this one...
    It makes clear that you have to keep going on...
    No matter what happend in your path...
    Or what will happen...
    This one is very good...^_^...
    We are affraid of losing controle...But why should you be affraid of losing it...While you didnt have it...

  5. #4
    Newbie Naomi Vaine is off to a good start Naomi Vaine's Avatar
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    Re: My Becomming Alive

    Quote Originally Posted by crimson View Post
    WOW!!! you like writing poems a lot don't you?

    i sure hope this doesn't represent the way you really feel deep inside... and i sure hope this absolutely is not how your real life is. 'coz the picture you're creating in my head and heart aren't that pleasant... in the awry case that it is, then i wish all the best for you. just like how the poem ended.

    the message of your peom though clearly abstract becomes concrete with the help of your imagery. it paints a clear picture of where the "i" is both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    i love the way that the poem sews itself together into a dramatic finish which not necessarily means that it is a means of escape, but rather a means of coping.

    overall, it is great. to make it better i would like to suggest less use of hifalutin words and less abstractions as to lessen the need of concretizing such things.

    i see great potential in you... and i wish to hear more from you... i find it satisfying to be able to read your poems... keep it up. ^^,


    actually, I don't really write poems very much. I'm really used to writting lyrics. I love writting my very own lyrics.

    this poem was the hardest thing I have ever written, mainly because it is pulling out all thoses feelings and situations that I have faced all my life. and having to go back and revisit my past was really hard.

    I ended up crying really hard after finishing it. but it was a way to vent and just finally break through that glass wall that has been holding me back for such a long time and finally being able to release all that pint up anger, sorry, and lonleiness.

    thank you so much!!
    I'll keep your comments in mind.
    I think I've known you all along.
    I just lost your face in the crowed for a while.
    I think I've been holding my breath all my life, until you found me here tonight.
    So ask me now and I'll run away with you.

  6. #5
    Otaku lapislazuli is off to a good start lapislazuli's Avatar
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    Re: My Becomming Alive

    Whew ... you wrote that today? Pretty impressive, really! You really have a talent for writing poems and lyrics for that matter. Keep up the good work.
    But ... so sad ...
    Next time you'll write a happy one, a'ight?
    You are now breathing manually. :P

    E&OE;

  7. #6
    Newbie Naomi Vaine is off to a good start Naomi Vaine's Avatar
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    Re: My Becomming Alive

    Quote Originally Posted by lapislazuli View Post
    Whew ... you wrote that today? Pretty impressive, really! You really have a talent for writing poems and lyrics for that matter. Keep up the good work.
    But ... so sad ...
    Next time you'll write a happy one, a'ight?
    lol I wrote that one a few days ago. and I'll try to focus on a happier one for next time. thank you. ^ ^
    I think I've known you all along.
    I just lost your face in the crowed for a while.
    I think I've been holding my breath all my life, until you found me here tonight.
    So ask me now and I'll run away with you.

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