My Mind (Remix)

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Dec 26, 2007, 10:39 PM
59wayz

My Mind (Remix)

I sit here with my peoples
smoking on a fat cigar with an herbal flavor
The smoke fills the air with happiness appearing in a shapeless form
It rises and rises
then disappears, To never be seen again

As I puff this delicious herb I think to myself
Is this the mind I must wander?
Will this herb make me more knowledgeable?
Have my thoughts become more clear?
Is this how I imagine my voice to sound?

The truth is, I'm higher then life
I'm on top of the world
of course my own world
The world that doesn't exist
Or does it?
Dec 27, 2007, 09:52 AM
bratling

Re: My Mind (Remix)

Even though there was no definitive flow or form persay to this poem I understood it well and I rather enjoyed it. Well done. <3 The wording is lovely and the message was well spoken. I saw the smoke and felt the relaxation/release of anxiety.
Dec 27, 2007, 01:45 PM
The GunGrave of Trigun

Re: My Mind (Remix)

Sorry but really didnt care for it k but keep righting you well get better.
Dec 27, 2007, 06:47 PM
abby724

Re: My Mind (Remix)

Though I have to agree with bratling that there's wasn't much definitive flow or structure to talk about, I like the atmosphere you've set up. That blissful, ignorant air... And I haven't seen many poems on Anime Online on smoking (Marijuana, right? You mentioned a herb and it really sounds like it...), either. This one's actually... the word, there's something for this... Ah, yes! It speaks out, and it (especially the last stanza) lingers.
Dec 27, 2007, 08:54 PM
animechick

Re: My Mind (Remix)

Quote:

Originally Posted by The GunGrave of Trigun

Sorry but really didnt care for it k but keep righting you well get better.

first off disreguard that. thats not critcism at all. thats just not reading and a fake answer.

it was defiantly alright. it reminded me of a acid trip almost.but a good idea would be to take the ideas and make them flow. to a beat. whichever you choose but some kind of beat.im a free form writer also so i know this is harder for us but youll get it down.
Dec 29, 2007, 12:01 PM
atomik_sprout

Re: My Mind (Remix)

Quote:

Originally Posted by animechick

first off disreguard that. thats not critcism at all. thats just not reading and a fake answer.

it was defiantly alright. it reminded me of a acid trip almost.but a good idea would be to take the ideas and make them flow. to a beat. whichever you choose but some kind of beat.im a free form writer also so i know this is harder for us but youll get it down.

Agreed, don't pay that kid any attention. This isn't your best work, but it wasn't bad. I've already verbally told you what I thought about it before you posted, but I forgot to mention that I do like how you question the herb and what the causes and affects/effects are.

There was an issue with the flow, but I'm sure that it's hard to keep a good flow when you're writing straight from the top of the head--at random, pretty much. But, never-the-less, you did pretty good. :2thumbs: